Monday, May 23, 2011

May 23, 2010

I wrote a journal entry on this date, about the ultrasound on the 17th, getting referred to Mount Sinai and talking to Dr. A.

I also wrote this:

The baby wasn't giving me alot of kicks for a few days, just one or two, but I can feel a slight shifting movement sometimes and then the area I felt the shifting is hard. I felt alot more kicks yesterday, which I just love. I haven't felt any on the outside yet and I'm looking forward to that day. Ted has felt the shifting when resting his hand on my belly.

My favorite times of the day are when the baby kicks and in the morning and at night when I am lying in bed and can really feel the outline of my uterus and just imagine my little baby in there. My baby! I love him already. The picture that we got after the ultrasound on Monday is so cute. He has big lips (Ted's), an adorable nose and a long neck. Everyone at work was saying what a good picture it is. Mom showed it to Dad and said "doesn't it just make you love him!" and Dad said that it sure does and seeing the picture makes him feel closer to the baby.

The next time I wrote in my journal was June 3rd, 2 days after he was born.

I'm always trying to figure out when he died. The ultrasound I had on May 31st said that it looked like he had been gone for about a week. I still felt kicking up until the day I found out he was gone, but I felt the shifting movement more often.

When I was induced, the first thing that happened was that the shifting movement and my belly getting hard on one side got more and more frequent and then it got painful. Was he gone a few days before May 23rd and that's why I felt that then? But then why did I feel alot more kicking on May 22nd (and for a few days after... I felt kicks until the day I found out he died)? Had he slowly been getting weaker and weaker, then he had a little fight left in him on the 22nd and then he died?


ccc said...

Oh, I am so sorry for what happened to you. I still replay over and over the events and days that led up to me finding out about our son dying. He had died beforehand too, and I still am trying to figure out what day it is exactly. I remember the shifting feeling and I remember one night my whole uterus felt extremely hard--I think that was the night.
Take care and sending lots of hugs.

fireworksandrainbows said...

I too think back and wonder when his life line abrupted. We were in a "near" accident the night before on the 401 near Morningside on our way home from Pickering. A car lost control and hit the guard rail right in front of us in our lane.

I clutched my belly trying to protect my baby in case there was a collision.

Looking back, I wonder if the stress of the situation was the final straw. An 80% abruption is what the pathology report said, and I wonder if it happened then.

We could drive our selves crazy trying to figure out when...

Rhiannon said...

Your journal entry is so happy and so full of hope...makes me sad knowing that your world was about to come crashing down and also makes me smile because I can feel your joy in your words and I can see how much sweet Jacob was loved by so many.

I think we will always try to pin point when things went wrong and I hate that we will probably never really know for sure.

Thinking of you and sending love. <3

Drew's Parents said...

So heartbreaking <3 Your journal entry is so happy and excited...As always, your writing is so vivid.Your love and excitement is clear. Not knowing what exact day he died is difficult. I hope you can find some comfort knowing that he was safe, warm, and loved each and every moment. <3