My amazing, wonderful friend Allison, who has given me so much support and a wonderful friendship, gave birth to her rainbow baby Genevieve on Monday night. I am so thrilled for her, Josh and their families. Genevieve is such a beautiful little girl and I know she will grow up surrounded by love and with her big brother watching over her.
When I joined the babycenter community support group in June 2010, I got to know a group of woman. As Allison was in labour, I realized that she is the first of that group to give birth to her rainbow baby. I’m sure she never guessed that she would be the first in the early days after losing Drew and over the summer of 2010.
Several of the women I met then are now pregnant. Some, like me, have lost a baby since losing their first. Many are due in the coming weeks and then another batch are due in September/October. I am very, very happy for them, but I am also sad for me. I feel left behind. As much as I want to know what is happening in their lives, I find it hard to read their blog posts about their pregnancies, especially when they are in weeks 19-21, since that is when Jacob died and was born. I breathe a sigh of relief when they pass 21 weeks. But my heart skips a beat when I read about the baby dancing in their belly and I long for it even more. I still read the blogs most of the time, unless I’m having a particularly bad day. Most of it is wanting to know how they are and some of it is just to torture myself.
I find it surreal to think of where we all were at this time last year. Many of them had already given birth to the baby(ies) they lost and some of us were still pregnant for another month or so before joining the group no one wants to be a part of. Now, one has given birth, 11 are pregnant, three of us have had at least one more loss (I’ve had two…and one of the pregnant Mom’s had a second loss last September), and 6 have not become pregnant again yet.
Where we have been, what we have been through and where we are now. It has been a long, hard journey. There was no telling who would become pregnant again and carry to term and deliver a healthy baby, who would get pregnant again but lose their baby or deal with severe complications again and who would still be trying to get pregnant, many months after their loss.
None of us have an easy road and we all struggle in different ways. The pregnant women worry, the non-pregnant women worry. The non-pregnant will worry longer....worry longer about getting pregnant and then have all the worry of a pregnancy after loss, if we are lucky. There is no getting away from it. We all miss our lost babies with an ache that can’t be described. That is one thing that will never change.
6 comments:
dana, i feel like i could have written most of this. i HATE the fact that it is so painful and reassuring at the same time to read about rainbow pregnancies and rainbow babies. i'm just so completely jealous and bitter ALL the time. it's such a paradox that i could be thrilled for the existence of rainbow babies in general, but so bitter about the fact that it hasn't happened to me. in so many ways, i am feeling left behind, and then i feel terribly guilty that i could take comfort in knowing i'm really NOT the only one who's not pregnant yet. b/c why should i be happy that anyone else is just as UNhappy as i am? it's exhausting and confusing!
I can really SO relate to this post. I cried when I saw that Genevieve made it here safely. Like you said, she is our first rainbow and to see her is a feeling that can't even be described, I just felt so happy in my heart.
You put it perfectly, we all struggle with different things but in the end we are all the same, we miss our babies more than can be verbalized. But through it all, we are here for each other and I am so thankful for that everyday. Lots of love. <3
That last paragraph sums it up. We all worry regardless of our circumstance and we all ache with a pain that will never go away.
I am so happy to hear of one of us getting pregnant but I'm still bitter about non BLM's getting pregnant. It just doesn't seem fair when some people have it so easy. And then I feel guilty about that. lol You can't win.
As one who has luckily gotten pregnant and so far so good I can't thank you enough for still following my blog and being my friend. I know it hasn't been easy for you and for others but I really don't know where I'd be if it weren't for all of you online ladies I've met this year.
I agree completely. I had to wait so long to even try to get pregnant after Mikayla's birth and already people were starting to announce their rainbow pregnancies. I felt left out, but then once I became pregnant with Chase I felt hopeful. After losing him too, and having to wait again, I feel it's hard to know where I belong. I know it's a struggle for us all though, no matter what stage we are in. Someday I hope we are all blessed with living children, but I truly believe there will always be this hole in my life where Mikayla and Chase should be.
I can relate to this completely....and although I'm not in a time in my life where I'm ready for a baby again. I know that it's all I want, which makes it even more devastating when we can't have it just yet. I will keep hoping and praying that you will join that other group soon, Dana, and the many others that commented here. And that maybe some of that heartache will ease up just a bit. ((hugs))
It's hard to put into words the set of emotions I have been experiencing the last month. I was so moved by this post. First, from your kind words. Your friendship and love has given me so much strength. And also by your insightful reflection on our journeys. Where we started last year, where we are now, and where we long to be. While holding our sweet rainbow, I miss Drew and and think about all of the babies who have passed away. I also wish for each of the beautiful women I have met on this journey to have their dreams fulfilled. My heart is heavy with yours this week. I love you and I love Jacob!
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