April 1 - the past and the present.

Today is Jacob's 10 month anniversary. It has been tough so far. If I'm not actually crying, the tears are just below the surface.

It is also one year ago today that I had my first appointment with Dr. A for Jacob's pregnancy. I never would have guessed that I would be in my current position then.

We took the day off work and drove to Oakville for the appointment.

At that first appointment, I got the basic package that pregnant women get. Information on what you can and can't eat, and what pills you can and can't take. There was information about pre-natal classes, cord blood storage and a chart to record kick counts when the time came (which it never did). There was also a form to fill out for the hospital for when I was admitted on what foods I don't like. I never did fill out the form, I was waiting to do it when I was further along. I also got all of my appointment times until the due date. Every month until August, then every 2 weeks until mid-September, and then every week after that. I still have the card that they are written on, of course.

Jan told me that I would go and do the urine test each time I came in. So I did it and waited to be called in. I felt special sitting there, finally one of the pregnant women.

Then we were put in the room and Ted took some pictures.

I was happy and full of hope. This is the only exam room at her office that I can go into now. She has 2 and the other one is where she couldn't find Jacob's heartbeat. I told them I can't be in that other room again.


The "good" room is where I waited for the autopsy results at my 6 week post partum appointment. It is where we went when we found out that Cub was gone. It is where I went again after waiting a week to lose Cub naturally and wanted the misoprostal afterall. This room has good and bad memories. Although the bad memories in this room are painful, I just can't face the other room again. The "good" room is also where I heard Jacob's heartbeat for the first time. That memory trumps all others.


I remembering hearing some kids from a local school outside playing a game. Dr. A came in the room, she seemed so happy for us, saying congratulations while putting her hand on my knee. We went over the usual questions about our health and she said that this was her first October baby. She had referred me to a fertility clinic in January to do follicle studies ultrasounds because no regular ultrasound clinic in Toronto did it. The appointment was for February 19th. When I found out I was pregnant, I called and cancelled it. I told Dr. A this at the first appointment, saying that someone would probably be really happy to get the time slot and she said it was  nice that I did that. I didn't think it made sense for me to go in.
She asked if we wanted to do the IPS screening and I said that we did, so she gave me the requisitions. We asked about an amnio because of my age and she said I could have one, but that she has alot of patients in their 40s who don't get it. We decided not to. The 1 in 200 chance of losing the baby was too scary.

Then she said that she would try to find the baby's heartbeat, but that it often can't be heard with the doppler at 12 weeks, so not to worry if she can't find it. I really, really wanted to hear it, of course, but she couldn't find it after trying for a few minutes. It was disappointing, but I didn't leave there worried. She didn't look worried and had told us ahead of time that she might not be able to find it. If that happened now, I'd beg for an ultrasound that day.

Overall it was a good day. I felt like I would be well cared for there. We were excited and couldn't wait for everything that was to come.

Last night was the first Face2Face meeting in Toronto and it was so nice to connect with other baby loss Mom's in person. We all got along well, we all told our stories and there was alot of tears. The waitress came up while I was telling Jacob's story and everyone was crying. It made us all laugh though, how brave she was to walk up to a table of 5 crying women.

I told his story twice last night. I met with Kaki for dinner and told her, and heard about her sweet daughter Isla. Then I told it again when the whole group got together. It's strange. I never know what is going to happen when I start telling it. Will I lay out all the facts with no tears or will I cry my way through it? Last night I was at a loss for words. I had a lot of pauses while telling them about Jacob and I hated that I wasn't crying. But then I started to describe his adorable right foot, his lips, his nose, his eyes, his shoulders. Then I said how much I worry that I didn't kiss him enough, that I didn't tell him I love him enough, that I didn't rock him enough and the tears came. I couldn't talk for a minute because of it. I know I did all those things, I just wish I could have done them for the rest of his life. I said how bad I feel when I leave the garden. I feel like he is cold and lonely and scared of the dark and his Mommy isn't helping him.

I took the GO train home with Jackie and had a really good talk, as I always do with her. I got home and felt pretty good. I usually do after talking to baby loss Mom's. Then I went in the closet to figure out what I would wear the next day and picked out the shirt that I wore a year ago today. Then I realized it, started crying and have felt bad ever since. It seems that the 10 month anniversary is worse than the 9 month.

I am very sad today.