Friday, April 8, 2011

Aching

Today my heart is aching for the belly I once had.

Last night I was looking through the blog posts I wrote in June and came across a picture of my belly at 18.5 weeks. I just stared and stared at it. I got Ted to look and said that I couldn’t believe I was so big. How could the baby growing in there at that time (still alive) now be gone? If you asked me when I was the happiest, in my life, it was when my belly was that big. I could feel Jacob kicking, I was visibly pregnant and I was/am married to the man of my dreams. I had/have a wonderful family, wonderful parents, wonderful sisters, a wonderful nephew. I had so much to look forward to, and I was enjoying and cherishing every single day at the same time. We were worried about the ultrasound results and Jacob’s left leg, but I figured that at the worst, he would need an operation to correct his foot. The happiness was all-consuming. I can’t imagine ever being that happy again, no matter how many more times I’m pregnant, no matter how many living babies I get to carry in my arms. One will always be missing.

Now I am left aching with empty arms, a broken heart and a flat (ish) belly.

9 comments:

Searching for Serenity said...

This is something I'm really struggling with right now too. Being pregnant and carrying a baby is such a beautiful experience. It goes quickly, and for some of us TOO quickly.

I pray you get to experience that joy again some day.

*hugs*

Michele said...

((hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

Our lives truly will never be the same. <3 It seems impossible to know the kind of happiness we knew then. For as much joy we may have ahead of us, a piece of our heart will always be missing (searching?). We can try to fill those missing pieces with memories, mementos, and special rituals, but those just can't replace what should have been. I can't imagine life ever being so carefree. I hope that you will soon find ways to ease the aching. I love you!

Becky said...

I couldn't agree more with this post. Too be so happy and then just have it ripped from you. Hopefully being pregnant again and then bringing a baby home will ease some of our pain, but you are right someone will always be missing and that sucks
Thinking of you and hoping for better days ahead

cullensblessings said...

I am so sorry for the ache Dana.. I wish I could help ease the pain that we all suffer... and of course I wish I had a way to ease my own.
Know that you are thought of with love..
I also wanted to tell you about the necklace you asked about in case you didn't see my response on my blog...
The necklace is by a California designer named Jes Maharry… she does beautiful work. I did not buy this exact version (the beaded ‘chain’ but opted for one with just a leather 33″ cord. Let me know if you want her contact info- there is a very kind woman who works for her that I can refer you to.

The Wellman's said...

*hugs*

Sheri said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I wish there was something I could say or do to make the pain go away. Sending you a big hug and warm thoughts. I hope things turn around for you soon...

Raquel said...

Yes, your belly is flat...but your heart is full. Full of all the wonderful happy memories of Jacob and the love you have for him.

Sending hugs your way! <3

little vitu's mom said...

Your post resonated my feelings to the tee.I'm living with this feeling everyday.