Thursday, March 31, 2011

March 2010 in review

I wonder if women who give birth to a living baby think so much about what their life was like a year ago. Do they get to a certain date and remember how on that date last year, they found something that helped with the nausea? Or are they so happy and busy with their baby (and sleep-deprived) that they don't think about it. Are they glad the pregnancy is over? I really have no idea, since all I know are pregnancies that ended too soon and there was no baby to take home after, just keepsakes and memories.

March 2010 was a very happy month for Ted and I, but also a difficult one as I felt physically terrible for almost the entire month. But the happiness and excitement outweighed the nausea.

Unfortunately I didn't write in a journal in March 2010. I intended to. I even bought one, but I just felt too sick to sit down and do it. Luckily I jotted some things down in a calendar and I have been able to patch together other events from emails and pictures.

March 4, 2010 - 9 weeks pregnant. I went out for lunch with the department for someone's birthday. I very carefully chose what to eat from the menu because I had to make sure there was nothing in it that could hurt the baby and just thinking about certain foods made me nauseous. No one at work knew that I was pregnant yet. On the walk back to work, I ended up walking beside my coworker who smokes. I made sure to stay as far away as I could from her and I made sure not to breathe in the smoke. I sent an email to Laurie that day, saying that I felt pretty sick when I was at lunch, but managed to hold it together. I later sent an email to Ted saying that I couldn't eat tofu that night. Just the thought of it made me feel sick.

March 5, 2010 - There was a lunch event that my company bought tickets too. I arranged for people to fill our table, and I went too. I don't remember who was speaking that day. The Minister of Finance I think. I rode the TTC to the hotel with Laurie from work. I told her that I was married to Ted and she got so excited. I wanted to tell her that I was pregnant, but we were waiting until 12 weeks, so I held back.

March 7, 2010 - I already did a separate post on what happened on this date. Ted and I went to visit our coworker who had a baby boy on February 19th. I felt very nauseous that day. As I held Ethan, I pictured holding my baby in 7 months.

March 10, 2010 - I went out at lunch, determined to find a candy I could suck on as I thought it would help with the nausea. I had already tried ginger candies (which were disgusting). I clearly remember standing in PharmaPlus and looking at all the bags of the different hard candies. I must have been there for 30 minutes, reading the ingredients and figuring out which ones were the best. I felt very sick while doing this. I always had my black "throw up bag" handy. I still have a black bag in my coat pocket. I have no plans to take it out. I also have some Werther's candies in my coat pocket from that time. No plans to remove them either. Laurie also came by my office with Ben. Jen took a picture of me holding him. I already posted about this here.

March 11, 2010 - 10 weeks pregnant. My cousin, Katherine, is in a movie called Tying Your Own Shoes, about adult artists who have down syndrome. The Toronto premier was on this night. We had planned to go, but as the date approached, I got worried about going because I threw up most nights and I didn't want to be in the theatre and either throwing up in my black bag, or running out of the room hoping to get to the bathroom in time. No one in my extended family knew that I was pregnant yet, so I just told them I was sick. I do regret not going. And of course, I didn't throw up that night.

I sent this email to Lindsay about the movie: "I really want to see the movie, but I feel really sick at night (have thrown up the last 2 nights) and even if I last through the movie without throwing up, I will feel sick the whole time. Dad told them yesterday that I am sick and can’t come, but not why I am sick. Not telling anyone until April." I sent another one to her that said: Right now I have to suck on Werther’s most of the day to stave off the nausea. Or eat or drink juice, but I’ll gain weight fast if I keep that up. Water even makes me nauseous. Here’s hoping it stops after the first 3 months!

I read somewhere that women who have alot of nausea when pregnant have children whose IQ's a generally a little higher than children of mother's who don't have nausea. When I was really sick, I thought about that and was glad that at least it was doing something good for my baby.

March 12, 2010 - Every year I organize a visit for the interns in the Ontario Legislative Programme. I book meeting rooms, catering and 4 people to speak to them. I organize material to be sent to them ahead of time, and I help with a tour of our building once they arrive. It was very difficult to prepare for this as I felt so sick during the majority of the planning. Work in general was hard. It is hard to sit at your desk all day when you are nauseous and tired. I started getting dissatisfied with my job, but once the nausea stopped so did the dissatisfaction. The interns came and the visit went well. I was in a picture that was taken of the interns and the other staff at my company and I stare at it now. We went down for lunch after the picture was taken and I had a reprieve from the nausea once I started eating. Having something in my mouth almost always helped.

March 13, 2010 - We did some belly pictures. One of the big regrets I have is that we didn't do them every week. If only I could turn back time. I found out a few weeks after they were taken that the date set on the camera was wrong, so I'm not even positive of the dates that the pictures were taken. I've done my best to estimate.

10 weeks

March 14, 2010 - Today was a turning point. Lindsay would sometimes come over and we would watch a movie. When she got to our condo around 7pm, she brought some crackers and a bag of Werther's with her. I thought it was really sweet that she did that. We watched the movie Up, which was really cute. The breakthrough came while watching the movie. I hadn't sat up on the couch at night for about 4 weeks. Halfway through the movie, I didn't feel so horrible so I tried sitting up and it was fine. I sat up for the rest of it and felt halfway human again.

March 15, 2010 - Sent this email to Lindsay: Thanks for bringing all that food last night. I brought the crackers to work and have had at least 20 of the Werther's so far. That was a very nice surprise.

March 17, 2010 - Laurie had something to give me, so I went over to her office at lunch (just a 5 minute walk from my office) to get it. She works for the Children's Aid Society. Since it was March Break, there were events at her office for the kids. There were about 50+ kids there and they were all taking turns dancing. It was really good.

March 18, 2010 - 11 weeks

March 25, 2010 - 12 weeks. I felt very relieved to get to 12 weeks, I thought I was out of the danger zone.

March 31, 2010 - The weather was starting to get nice. Antoinette, a friend at work, called and asked if I want to go for a walk at lunch, which we usually do in the summer. Nothing special happened. I just remember trying to decide whether or not I should go. I decided the exercise would be good for me and wouldn't do any harm to the baby.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I signed up on the babycenter community (BCC) October 2010 birth club. I received weekly emails about how big my baby was and what developments the baby was making. I looked at the picture every day.

I don't know what day it was. I'm pretty sure that it was in mid-March to late-March. I got up at night to pee, as usual, and I couldn't pee. I knew I had to go, but nothing would come out. I sat on the toilet and leaned back, leaned forward, trying different positions. I knew that there must be pressure on the urethra and I hoped that by changing my position, the pressure would alleviate. This happened for about 24 hours and then magically stopped and went back to normal. I went on the BCC October 2010 birth board to start a post and ask if it had happened to anyone else and I found a post by someone else that had been added in the past few hours about the very same thing. It seemed that a bunch of us were having it at the same time.

I have random memories of throwing up too. I was in the middle of eating dinner one night on the couch. I had to put down my plate really fast, put my hand over my mouth because I was past the point of no return, and run to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. Another time (this happened more than once) I was having a shower and would lean over and throw up in the bathtub. The only time I wasn't at all nauseous was in the middle of the night. I always woke up to pee, and I was always hungry when I woke up. I would grab a few crackers and standing in front of the living room or den window and watch the traffic below while I ate them. Just me and my baby.

There was a commercial for Tropicana that came on TV every morning. I got up, turned on the local news and got ready for work. The commercial always made me teary. Tropicana went to a Northern community that doesn't get any sunlight during the winter. They brought a giant balloon, put it the sky and lit it. There was one little girl who does a double take when she sees the balloon and that is the scene that got to me every time. Another commercial that I can't watch now.

I think it was also around 12 weeks that I started noticing a weight in my lower belly when I bent over, even just bending over the bathroom sink when brushing my teeth. I miss that feeling so much.

Ted had to make dinner every night because I just couldn't do it. The nausea was too strong. Every weekend, we went to Oakville to go to open houses. The drive there was not fun. It was cold out, but I had to have the window down to help with the nausea. The song "Wavin' Flag" was on the radio all the time then. Every time I heard it, I would start to cry. I was just emotional in general and that song always made me think of all the kids who are born into bad circumstances and try hard to improve their lives. Of the dreams they have. As soon as the song started, we would laugh because we knew the tears would come soon. I haven't listened to that song since Jacob was born. Just hearing the first few bars of the song brings tears to my eyes.

When we were in Costco once, I decided that I really had to have some lemonade. Ted got it for me from a vending machine and it made such a difference! From then on, I always had juice or lemonade with me. Just a little sip would help make the nausea a little better for a few minutes. I couldn't stand to drink water, as it made the nausea worse.

I went to Indigo most days at lunch and would hang out in the pregnancy book aisle. I'd grab a book or two, find a place to sit, and read them. I remember hoping that someone at work didn't see me, since no one knew I was pregnant yet.

Laurie loaned me a book called "The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy". It was so funny. Even though I felt too sick to read a book in general, I managed to read this one at night because it was just so funny. It had alot of good information about all the embarrasing things that can happen to you when pregnant. I read it again when I was pregnant with Cub. Now that I've read it when pregnant with 2 babies who both died, I won't be reading it next time I'm pregnant.

I got my haircut when I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I hesitated to do it, because I didn't want to be around any hair dye, that's how paranoid I was. I went anyway, telling myself not to be so paranoid, and when the hairdresser asked if I had kids, I was so happy to say that I was pregnant.

10 months ago today that we found out that Jacob had died and our lives were turned upside down.


Sherri said...

Beautiful, bittersweet memories. With my first pregnancy, I cherished every second... I wasn't working, and I felt really good, so I had lots of time to just enjoy Jenna. While I was pregnant with Kristen.. I used to laugh, because I was so busy chasing Jenna around, I'd forget that I actually was pregnant... except for when I was sick (which was often, and from early on.. 4wks actually) So my pregnancy with her was more of a blur, which I really truly regret, now that those are some of my only memories of her. But I used to feel her more when I was driving somewhere, must have been the way I was sitting.. I LOVED those flutters and kicks...

The Wellman's said...

I've been thinking a lot about you this month, not only due to all the memories of Jacob but the fact I was so excited to be sharing milestones of Cub and this little one together--everytime something happens it's hard not to think about what is going on with you. As having a 10 year old I can tell you at least I still remember so much of my pregnancy with Calvin--I remember the date I felt his first kick, when I got the flu---all sorts of stuff!

If you ever want to talk you know I'm always around!!!

Drew's Parents said...

So many special memories <3 <3 <3 I think it is great that you are recording the moments that you had with Jacob. You will be able to hold on to those as the years begin to pass. It seems impossible that his 1 year birthdays is approaching. Know that so many people are remembering your little boy. We are grieveing for what was and everything that could have been. But we are also celebrating Jacob's beautiful life and the memories he created and the love he shared. I am sending you BIG BIG hugs!