Sunday, April 10, 2011

Another chance to speak of him

Yesterday I went to the mall to have my eyebrows threaded. I normally do them myself, but they needed some professional attention.

I lay down on the table and Meenu, the woman doing my eyebrows, saw my necklace, picked it up and asked what it was. I think she saw the side with the baby feet. She asked what it was for and I replied that my son was stillborn and I wear the necklace for him. She just said something like "that's nice" and started getting the stuff ready. I figured she just didn't hear me and was going to leave it at that. I guess it then sank in what I said and she asked me what I said. I said that my son was stillborn, so I wear the necklace in his memory. Then she asked what I meant, so I said that my son wasn't alive when he was born. She stopped and just looked at me for a moment, then she said how sorry she was, at least 5 times. She didn't seem embarrassed that I had had to repeat it so many times, and then explain what I meant, but I didn't care. She just kept saying how terrible it was. I said that he was born 10 months ago and we got to hold him and take pictures. She asked if we knew what happened. I didn't want to get into the whole amniotic band syndrome explanation, so I just said we think there was a cord accident (which the bands likely caused). 

Then she told me that her mother gave birth to 6 girls and 3 of them died. I think 2 of them were stillborn and the third died at 3 months because she had chicken pox. I asked if her Mom named the stillborn babies and she said no, that it wasn't really done back then. I said that I didn't know how her Mom did it, losing one (I didn't tell her about my miscarriages) was enough, I couldn't even imagine surviving three babies lost so late. She said that back then, they just kept trying again. Then she said that there are only 2 left, so I don't know what happened to the other sister. 

Then she told me that when she was 7 months pregnant, she was married to a jerk who pushed her down the stairs and she almost lost the baby. She was in the hospital bleeding for 3 days, but then the bleeding stopped and she carried the baby to full-term and she is now 8 (and she separated from the jerk husband 3 years ago). 

She finished and I went to find Ted and told him what happened and how much I liked talking about him.

A little later, we ran into the minister (Rev. Mike) from my church and his wife, Yvonne. Rev. Mike was amazing when I was in the hospital and then he helped alot with the funeral home too. One time I was crying at church, 3 months after Jacob was born and I had just worked in the nursery that morning and saw pregnant women everywhere, and Yvonne saw me and came over and hugged me for awhile. We talked for a few minutes in the mall and I brought up the subject of Laurie's baby, saying that we are waiting for the baby to come. I saw a quick look go over their faces, I don't know if it was surprise that I could just say that without breaking down or if it brought Jacob more prominently into their thoughts. Either way, I liked it. 

Laurie, Ben and Mom and Dad came over last night. I'm surprised at how well I handle seeing Laurie's belly now. I can't see her bare belly, but I don't feel like I'm being swallowed into a black pit when I see it anymore, which I am really glad about. I am very careful not to touch it when we hug though. I had to stay away from her for a little while when she was at the 5-6 month stage, but it hasn't been too bad since then. Ted told me after they left that when I had gone upstairs for a few minutes, Mom reached over and rubbed Laurie's belly. I don't know if they didn't think he could see or if they didn't think it would bother him, but it did and he felt really sad after.

Today Ted and I went to church. We went by Jacob's garden of course, standing there for a few minutes in the rain. We then went back inside for tea/coffee. Towards to the end, my Mom was talking to 2 of her friends/acquaintances. She introduced Ted and I to the one we didn't know, Elsie. She pointed in the direction of the garden and it sounded like she asked if there was a baby over there. I looked over to see if there was, but couldn't see anyone over there. Then I thought she might have confused me with Laurie and thought that I had a baby there. Then my Mom asked if she meant in the garden (it is weird to write that....does she mean the baby in the baby is in the is that possible?) and Elsie said yes. I said that yes, that is my baby in the garden and she pulled me towards her and hugged me and said "God Bless You". I was surprised that she said anything, and I loved it. I told her how nice it was that she did, that I really liked it. I love that Mom has told all her church friends. After she left, Ted said that my face was red and asked if I was OK. I was. When someone mentions my baby and shows that they care and they are sorry, I'm always OK. 


LauraJane said...

Hi Dana,

You had written comments on my blog yesterday and left your email address- I don't think it's written correctly though as I cant e-mail you...

I can't imagine what it would be like back in "the day" when these things weren't recognized. Heck, I kinda still feel like they're kept hidden and quiet, and it drives me crazy. I'm so glad your mom has told all her friends, it's so important for her to have their support, and to know they in turn support you too.

JenJen said...

It's always better when our babies are acknowledged rather than avoided! I LOVE talking about Lily! I always leave conversations about her in a better mood :)

I'm so glad that you were able to talk about your sweet Jacob ((hugs))

Raquel said...

I am so glad that you got to talk about Jacob. It is so theraputic! I know for me it is a chance to make people realize how important Jeremiah is to me and how he will always be.

Sending hugs your way!

cullensblessings said...

It is days like this.. when there are people who recognize our children as part of this world, that we find a bit of faith in humanity. It's the small steps I suppose...
sending you love

car said...

Glad you got the chance to share Jacob with some people who were supportive of you.