Last year

April 23, 2010

I sent an email to Ted one year ago today.

Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam.

More and more people at work were finding out that I was pregnant and almost everyday, someone stopped me and said congratulations or sent me an email. It was so nice.

We went to Jessie's house for dinner that night. Laurie and Ben and Lindsay and Brian came too. We ordered pizza and just sat around and talked and played with Ben. It was fun. Alot of pictures were taken of Ben, so I was hoping that I was in the background of some of them. Jessie sent me 2, but one of them you can only see the top of my head and my legs, because Ben is standing in front of me, and the other one you can't see my head, but you can see my belly...even though you can't see how big it is.

April 23, 2011

We went to Lindsay's house for Easter dinner. As Ted and I waited at the GO station for the train, there was a warm breeze and I missed Jacob even more. As much as I've been looking forward to the warm weather, it also reminds me of both how happy I was at this time last year, and of how much pain I was in last summer. I told Ted this and he said he felt the same way.

I was at Laurie's house for a few minutes before leaving. She is due on April 30th and is uncomfortable and frustrated and scared of the labour. She is just ready for the baby to be here. But she also said she feels bad talking to me about that because she knows I would do anything to be in her position. I said that I would, but I know pregnancy is uncomfortable and I want her to be able to talk to me.

Once we were at Lindsay's, I only cried once in the bathroom. Jacob's absence was everywhere.

We went to church on Good Friday. THere was a baby a few rows behind us who cried on and off throughout the service. We should have had a baby there too. My Mom said later that she was worried that it would bother us. We've decided not to go to church today. There will be more babies and pregnant women there and we don't want to deal with that. Ted's grief is hitting harder lately and every night for about 3 weeks, I've had some kind of dead baby dream.