Wednesday, September 1, 2010

3 months

Dear Jacob,

I miss you. Every second of every day. I go to sleep thinking about you and I wake up thinking about you. I think about you all day long. I still sleep with the blanket that you were wrapped in at the hospital. It makes me feel closer to you and I can't imagine sleeping without it now.

I can't believe it has been 3 months since I had you in my belly, since I held you in my arms and since I kissed you. Because of you, this has been the best and the worst year of my life. You made my dreams come true. Then they were destroyed because we lost you. Everyday since I found out you died has been so difficult.  It is difficult to find the joy in the things that I used to. Sure, I smile and laugh more than I did a few weeks ago, but there is always sadness attached to them. I know others think that I am back to normal, but I am faking it. It isn't as hard to do as it once was, but I am still doing it.

I just don't feel like I can express how much I love and miss you in this letter. I will never be able to show you how much.

I woke up really sad today, baby. It was about 4am and I started crying right away.  A pretty big cry, like the ones shortly after you were born. I kept looking at the time, thinking about what was happening 3 months ago today at that time. Your Dad and I hugged for a while and your Dad said that he pictures you as a 9 or 10 month old. He doesn't like to look at the pictures that were taken of you after you were born because it is just too painful for him to see the pictures of his dead son.
I lay in bed for about 2 hours, then finally gave up trying to fall asleep and went on the internet. I go there alot. The women I have met have really helped me through losing you. I watched the video for the song "I Will Carry You". One of Ben's dolls, which is about the size of a newborn, was lying nearby and I found myself holding the doll like I would a newborn as I listened to the song and sobbed. The words to the song have been running through my head all day.

We left for the new house at 7:30am because the cable guy was supposed to come anywhere between 8am-5pm. On the drive there, the tears kept coming. Moving into this house is just so different than it was supposed to be.

Thank you for sending me some signs today. I just loved them and 2 of them were signs I've never had before. The first was the nice white butterfly that kept fluttering around me in the backyard as I was looking at the pond. It came so close I thought it might land on me, but it didn't. I've seen that butterfly around the backyard all day today, or at least a white one is always there.

I lit at candle for you at 8:59am. I wanted to get it going for 9am, the time you were born. Just as the clock changed to 9am, the candle just extinguished. I tried lighting it again later, but it just wouldn't light. Then I went to the car to go to the store and a really big and beautiful monarch butterfly flew around me. I just stood staring at it as it soared around the car. I've seen alot of butterflies since losing you, but none of them flew as high as this one. I watched this one as it flew to the top of the trees until I couldn't see it anymore. I haven't seen a monarch for about 2 weeks.

Then I went to Aunty Laurie's house to pick up some stuff. Ben was watching Toy Story while I was in the basement and I thought I heard him calling my name. I came up calling to him and Laurie said that he was actually calling your name. She had asked him what the name of a character in the movie was and he suddenly started calling "Jacob" several times really loudly. We haven't mentioned your name to him in awhile so although he has said it before, nothing prompted him to do it today, except you maybe. I've been babysitting him all afternoon and he asked where you were once. Being with Ben all afternoon made it hard to feel as sad as I would have if he hadn't been there. We sang songs together, played hide and seek, danced in the living room and jumped on the trampoline. I also got lots of hugs and kisses from him.

All of those signs, your Dad, all of the women who have left me notes today and Ben have made the day much easier.
We went to the garden where your ashes are buried tonight. I talked to you awhile and then went home.

I hope you are happy up in Heaven baby. I know that you must be. You have so many friends up there and now you have your brother or sister.

I love you baby.



Angela said...

I'm glad Jacob sent you lots of signs today. Sweet baby boy knew his mama needed to know he is okay. I've been thinking of you today. I know things have been hard lately.

Drew's Parents said...

Jacob was a busy boy today! <3 I am so glad that he sent you so many signs. The candle and Ben calling his name gave me goosebumps. I think he was feeling all of your love and was letting you know how much he loves you back. Maybe he was also letting you know that he is taking good care of his brother or sister. I hope that you are able to get a good night's sleep and that you have good dreams. I am going to light another candle for our boys this evening. <3 Love you to you!

Julie said...

thought of you and jacob yesterday. ken won't look at pictures, either. he hasn't looked at kenny's pictures or touched any of his things since we came home from the hospital.

Elaine said...

I'm so happy you got signs from Jacob. He was right there with you just as he is always. And I know he'd give you a big hug and kiss if he could. The blowing out of the candle gave me chills, that was such a sweet hello from your little guy.
It's good you have Ben. Being an Aunt is awesome and I love my nephew tons.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

thinking of you :)

Violet1122 said...

I'm so glad you felt Jacob's presence throughout the day. But I know that even those signs does not erase all the pain.

I'm sorry your new house is a reminder of what isn't right - and what should have been. You've been through the wringer in the last few months, and I pray for you every day.

My husband doesn't like to talk much about our losses, although I know he is sad about them. I'm glad you and your husband can openly talk about the different ways you grieve. Hold on to each other during the darkest times - from all you've said about your husband, I can tell he is a great guy.

I'm glad you are able to more easily visit the garden - and I have absolutely no doubt that Jacob is in heaven. Just think of what a joyful reunion that will be someday!

Sending you lots of big hugs...

Danae said...

I'm glad Jacob sent you signs on that day. I'm sorry I wasn't around for it. I thought of you so often on that day (as I do everyday) and was hoping you were having a peaceful day.

I know it's been difficult, with the last couple of weeks having making it even more so, and I just wish I could give you a big hug and have a good cry with you.

Please know I think of you, Jacob, and his little brother or sister often, and I wish for moments of peace for you.

Sending you many many hugs and lots of love! <3