Feeling down

Dear Jacob,

I'm just feeling sad today. I miss you beyond words. I keep seeing things that remind me of my pregnancy with you. We were in a Shopper's Drug Mart today and I saw the area where you can test your blood pressure. I used to stop by and do that when I was pregnant with you every few weeks.

Today I should have gone to Dr. A for my 35 week check up. Instead I was in her office picking up another requisition for blood work because of the miscarriage. At least there were no pregnant women in there for once. Because we were at her office, we drove near the hospital where you were born. I saw the corner where I was standing after Dr. A couldn't find your heartbeat and I was waiting for the light to change so I could get to the hospital for an ultrasound. It was the longest walk of my life, even though it only lasted about a minute. That corner is where I called your Dad from and told him that Dr. A couldn't find your heartbeat, but I kept trying to reassure him and me that you were probably just hiding, even though I knew you were too big to do that.

Today was the first day of school.  I spent some time watching the kids arrive at the school across the road. Many of them came with both their parents, who took turns taking pictures with their kids. I was particularly fascinated with a family with 2 little boys. We will never do that with you.

Little did they know a woman with a broken heart was watching them from her window.

Yesterday I found my maternity clothes. I sorted through them to give Laurie's clothes back to her. I also saw the clothes that I wore when I was pregnant with you. I buried my face in the part of the clothes where my belly was and cried. I gave Laurie's clothes back to her (I just can't give her the ones that were meant for me to wear with you, that I either bought or that were gifts). I told her which ones of hers I wore (most of them were still too big) in case she doesn't want to wear them during her current pregnancy. I did try them all on, but you were still alive when I did that. There was one pink blouse that I was going to start wearing the very week you were born. It was painful seeing it, and seeing the jeans and the pants that I had already started wearing.  This grey blouse almost fit. This picture was taken on May 9th, Mother's Day....about 2 weeks before you died. I was so excited that I would be able to start wearing it soon. Your Aunty Lindsay gave it to me for my birthday and your Aunty Jessie put french braids in my hair.

I can't believe the size of my belly in that picture.

I also found the maternity books that Laurie loaned to me. When I was still pregnant, I would mark the applicable month with a bookmark and read it all the time. Now all of the bookmarks were in the babyloss sections. What to Expect When You're Expecting actually has a couple of pages of fairly good information. Of course, I didn't even look at those pages before you died. I was sure to take all of those bookmarks out before giving the books back to her.

I was eating dinner tonight, a nice dinner your Dad made, and I was suddenly overcome with dread of your due date. I am just dreading it.  Your Dad got up from the table to do something and I started crying.

We went to bed early last night because the TV in the bedroom is hooked up, but the TV in the living room isn't and we were too tired to do it. Your Dad was in bed about an hour before me. I kept stalling and then I realized that I was stalling because I can't just lie in bed because thoughts of you consume me. I always think of you, but when I am just doing nothing, I feel like I am going to die from the pain.

Your Dad told me today that he was really sad. He just felt really down. He said that the recent miscarriage made all the pain of losing you come back again. He was walking around looking like I usually do, like I still do, we are just used to seeing me that way. He thought that after losing you, we would get pregnant again and everything would be fine. Oftentimes when we do something, it doesn't work out the first time, but the second time always does. He thought it would be the same with our future children. Losing a second baby has made him feel more hopeless, as well as sad about angel #2.

The funny thing is, I didn't really know what to say to him when he said how sad he was. I should know this. I guess I've said everything to him before when he told me he was sad, but I felt so helpless that I couldn't say anything to make him feel better. Then I started saying that the next one will work, that soon we will have a baby and he said it makes him feel better when I say things like that.

Your Dad walked up to me in the Shopper's and said that we should get a doppler next time I'm pregnant. I've been planning on doing that all along, I guess I never told him that though. I think I'll have to limit myself to listening to the baby's heartbeat in the morning and once at night or I'll be carrying that thing around, checking every chance I get.

I love you. I miss you. I'll never be whole without you.

Mom