Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Feeling down

Dear Jacob,

I'm just feeling sad today. I miss you beyond words. I keep seeing things that remind me of my pregnancy with you. We were in a Shopper's Drug Mart today and I saw the area where you can test your blood pressure. I used to stop by and do that when I was pregnant with you every few weeks.

Today I should have gone to Dr. A for my 35 week check up. Instead I was in her office picking up another requisition for blood work because of the miscarriage. At least there were no pregnant women in there for once. Because we were at her office, we drove near the hospital where you were born. I saw the corner where I was standing after Dr. A couldn't find your heartbeat and I was waiting for the light to change so I could get to the hospital for an ultrasound. It was the longest walk of my life, even though it only lasted about a minute. That corner is where I called your Dad from and told him that Dr. A couldn't find your heartbeat, but I kept trying to reassure him and me that you were probably just hiding, even though I knew you were too big to do that.

Today was the first day of school.  I spent some time watching the kids arrive at the school across the road. Many of them came with both their parents, who took turns taking pictures with their kids. I was particularly fascinated with a family with 2 little boys. We will never do that with you.

Little did they know a woman with a broken heart was watching them from her window.

Yesterday I found my maternity clothes. I sorted through them to give Laurie's clothes back to her. I also saw the clothes that I wore when I was pregnant with you. I buried my face in the part of the clothes where my belly was and cried. I gave Laurie's clothes back to her (I just can't give her the ones that were meant for me to wear with you, that I either bought or that were gifts). I told her which ones of hers I wore (most of them were still too big) in case she doesn't want to wear them during her current pregnancy. I did try them all on, but you were still alive when I did that. There was one pink blouse that I was going to start wearing the very week you were born. It was painful seeing it, and seeing the jeans and the pants that I had already started wearing.  This grey blouse almost fit. This picture was taken on May 9th, Mother's Day....about 2 weeks before you died. I was so excited that I would be able to start wearing it soon. Your Aunty Lindsay gave it to me for my birthday and your Aunty Jessie put french braids in my hair.

I can't believe the size of my belly in that picture.

I also found the maternity books that Laurie loaned to me. When I was still pregnant, I would mark the applicable month with a bookmark and read it all the time. Now all of the bookmarks were in the babyloss sections. What to Expect When You're Expecting actually has a couple of pages of fairly good information. Of course, I didn't even look at those pages before you died. I was sure to take all of those bookmarks out before giving the books back to her.

I was eating dinner tonight, a nice dinner your Dad made, and I was suddenly overcome with dread of your due date. I am just dreading it.  Your Dad got up from the table to do something and I started crying.

We went to bed early last night because the TV in the bedroom is hooked up, but the TV in the living room isn't and we were too tired to do it. Your Dad was in bed about an hour before me. I kept stalling and then I realized that I was stalling because I can't just lie in bed because thoughts of you consume me. I always think of you, but when I am just doing nothing, I feel like I am going to die from the pain.

Your Dad told me today that he was really sad. He just felt really down. He said that the recent miscarriage made all the pain of losing you come back again. He was walking around looking like I usually do, like I still do, we are just used to seeing me that way. He thought that after losing you, we would get pregnant again and everything would be fine. Oftentimes when we do something, it doesn't work out the first time, but the second time always does. He thought it would be the same with our future children. Losing a second baby has made him feel more hopeless, as well as sad about angel #2.

The funny thing is, I didn't really know what to say to him when he said how sad he was. I should know this. I guess I've said everything to him before when he told me he was sad, but I felt so helpless that I couldn't say anything to make him feel better. Then I started saying that the next one will work, that soon we will have a baby and he said it makes him feel better when I say things like that.

Your Dad walked up to me in the Shopper's and said that we should get a doppler next time I'm pregnant. I've been planning on doing that all along, I guess I never told him that though. I think I'll have to limit myself to listening to the baby's heartbeat in the morning and once at night or I'll be carrying that thing around, checking every chance I get.

I love you. I miss you. I'll never be whole without you.



Emily said...

I felt pretty down today too. I was crying on the subway on the way home from work. I hope no one noticed. Sometimes it's just too much to hold in and as soon as I'm away from work and the constant go, go, go, it just drops on me. Heavy. Sad. Hopeless.
I'm sorry about your recent miscarriage. What a way to kick you when you're down. Hope tomorrow's a better day.

Jessica said...

New to the BLM penpals... Just wanted to let you know I am sorry for all the sadness. My first angels due date is in 20 days. I am dreading it even more than before because a friend is having a planned c-section that day. Our recent 2nd loss brought on a lot of pain that I held in back in Feb. and this just made it all compound! My doc and friends convinced me one miscarriage was more "common" but two is just different. No one knows what to say now... thank God for BLM's blogs or I don't know what I would do. **hugs** to you!

Violet1122 said...

Hi Dana,

I'm sorry today has been such a lousy one. There are reminders all around, aren't there?

I'm really so sad and so sorry about your recent miscarriage. My heart just breaks for you, because I remember the overwhelming feeling of hopelesness... and I wish you would never, ever have had to have known something like that.

I'm also so sad for your husband. My husband, too, was always convinced the the next pregnancy would work out fine... and it just killed me to see how sad and disappointed he was when we lost them.

That being said - there is always reason to hope. I've learned this, even though I still struggle with fear. Don't ever let your sadness or fear keep you from trying again.

Keeping you in my heart and prayers... I hope the coming days are better.

((Big Hugs))

Mrs.Spit said...

Oh Dana, I'm so sorry that today was so difficult.

I found that the anticipation of Gabriel's due date was so much worse than the actual due date its self. We went away, and that helped some.

Thinking of you.

Drew's Parents said...

I am sending you the biggest hugs right now. I love the picture of you. You are so beautiful. I can just imagine how happy you were when the picture was taken, and how active Jacob was moving his little arms and legs.
I hate that you and Ted are having to go through this pain. I know I have said it so many times, but it is so completely unfair. We should be so close to holding our boys in our arms. October never seemed so depressing. My heart is with you, and I am so hopeful that you and Ted will eventually have the rainbow you are dreaming about. <3 xoxo

Elaine said...

I'm so sorry your day was horrible. I wish I could give you and your hubby a big hug. It's nice that he opened up to you about his feelings. I think my hubby often holds a lot in because he doesn't want me to feel worse. But that actually makes me feel worse! Yesterday was a tough day for me too watching the kids go to school. I should be carrying B around in a sling and walking sissy to school. It sucks. I hope you get some answers from the blood work.


Shanna said...

I'm sorry you had a rough day. I have those days more often than I'd like. I find when I'm alone I am consumed with sad thoughts. It's the only time when my mind is free to think and it goes right to thoughts of my little boys.

I also found the time leading up to the due date was worse. When it's here, it's sad, but all that anxiety about how you will react on that day goes away and you can just cry. It's a relief because you're not counting every day you would be pregnant anymore. That said, the due date for my second baby is coming up next month and I'm starting to get all that anxiety again. It sucks!

It makes it so difficult to have hope when you think "next time will be better," but it isn't. But we have to keep hoping that next time WILL be better or what else will keep us trying? (((hugs)))

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry today have been so rough. The sadness is oppressive and so hard to get out from under it some days. Thinking of you. <3

Preity Angel... said...

I am very sorry to hear about your loss dear..I want to give you a big hug.. I also went through this.. I had a stillborn baby boy in 2008 now I have a baby girl 5 months old.. i would say please beleive in God.. if possible email me at preity_jolly@yahoo.com

Rhiannon said...

Thinking of you, Dana. I know some days are so hard and I can't imagine what you are going through just having had a miscarriage. I am so sorry for that. I find myself just watching families, too. It hurts so much to think of all of the things we will never get to do with Harper. And even if we do have other children, she will always be the missing piece. I am sorry you are having a rough day. Sending you a big hug!

Jennifer said...

Sending you lots of love and hugs especially through the difficult days. I know it's not always easy for us to find a little bit of relief from the sadness of our loss but I'll pray that one will come to you soon. (((hugs)))

Danae said...

I'm sorry that day was so bad Dana. I hope the week got a little bit better.

I bought a doppler with Bailey and used it often. I bought it from Amazon (and u/s gel) and I will be using it when we finally get pregnant again.

I wish I could take some of the pain away from you. I hope you have had some peaceful moments. I've been thinking of you and Jacob often.

Sending you love and hugs my dear friend!