Saturday, September 11, 2010

Plateau

I feel like I have reached a plateau. I don't think that I will ever feel better than I do now, and I am not very good right now. I've probably had, at the very most, a few hours of feeling truly at peace since June 1, 2010. Those moments came when my husband would unexpectedly make me laugh, when talking to other babyloss Mom's on the phone, spending time with my nephew and that time we found our cat when we thought that we never would (he had been missing for 18 hours).


That's it. A few hours of peace in over 3 months. I don't know how I can keep going on at this rate. There are times when I don't feel completely churned up inside and like I just want to throw up or hurt physically somehow to take the emotional pain away. I just feel like that most of the time. I know that I probably will feel better. I know that I never thought that I would feel as "good" as I do now right after Jacob was born. I thought I would walk around in total devastation forever (which I do, I just deal with it better). I thought that I would never smile again and mean it. But I have. I still felt sad while smiling though.


We drove to the cottage last night and I just sat in the van crying most of the way there (it is 3.5 hours away). I should be 35 weeks pregnant right now. I wouldn't have gone to the cottage this weekend if that had still been the case. I shouldn't be waiting for the results of my latest hCG blood test to see if I have passed everything from my miscarriage in August. I should be uncomfortable. I should be starving all the time. I should be enjoying feeling Jacob kick all the time and excitedly telling others that he is kicking so that they can feel it too.


I shouldn't know nurses on the L & D floor at the hospital yet. I shouldn't know what labour pains feel like yet. I shouldn't know the heart stopping moment of hearing the words "I can't find his heartbeat".  I shouldn't be having flashbacks to those 2 days. Those 2 days should have just been regular days. I should be packing my hospital bag and choosing the outfit that I would bring Jacob home in. 


I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant again yet. I should be planning my maternity leave, which would have started at the end of September. I should be training the person who would be covering my responsibilities at work for the next year. I should be wearing maternity clothes.


At the cottage today, a chipmunk crawled up my leg for a peanut when I was sitting on the deck. It was so cute, but I was judging whether Jacob weighed more than the chipmunk when he was born (he did).


Tomorrow I am covering the nursery at church. Half of me is scared to do it and half of me is happy to do it. My sister originally volunteered, but she is pregnant and the nausea just started last week and she feels too sick. So I said I would do it for her. I said I couldn't at first (and my Mom would) because I was worried it would upset me too much. I'm still worried about that. But it might be nice to hold a baby. It won't be nice to think of what should have been. I fully expect to cry tomorrow as I hold the babies. I'll just have to try and stop it before the parents come back to pick up their babies. Lucky parents.


I'm just sad. I just miss my baby.

9 comments:

mommy4boys said...

Dana,

You're doing very well! Don't judge your grief and don't set expectations for your grief. I am sorry you are having such a hard time, but it is expected. The day will come when you will look back at this time and realize you've done it! You're living and right now that is all you need to do. I know tomorrow will be hard in the nursery, but you can do it. And there is really no safer place (other than home) to cry.

Jessica said...

I'd say personally that anyone who has the guts to write about their grief is doing better than those that don't. Hugs to you!

Angela said...

I know that plateau, it's not a fun place to be. You're doing so well. I think it is healing to hold babies, but definitely scary too. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I know Jacob's due date is approaching and that it is weighing on your mind.

Love you, mama. Here if you need me.

Mrs.Spit said...

You are exactly where you are supposed to be. This is a very hard time - the last of the shock has totally worn off, and you are realizing that this doesn't change.

I'm sorry Dana.

There is life after death, I promise you.

butterflymom said...

Dana,
I'm so proud of you...you are working so hard at dealing with all the grief you are experiencing. Be kind with yourself and know that you are doing what's best for you. Hugs to you, hun. Hang in there.

Elaine said...

you're doing an amazing job handling this. You should be so proud of yourself. there are so many should haves and shouldn't haves. I should be ttc right now. I should be working tomorrow. But I know I have to focus on the positive that I have in my life and what is to come. I hope you did okay in the nursery at church, you're much braver than I am, I can't even visit my new niece yet.

Violet1122 said...

Dana,

I'm sorry you have been feeling particularly low this weekend. As someone who has spent a lot of time in the "depths of despair" please take it from me that it does not last forever. This is not how your "story" ends. I know that's hard to believe, considering where you are right now. You've had a rough summer - and I think you are handling it as well as can be expected. I'm very, VERY proud of you. I admire your strength and kindness a great deal.

I hope the church nursery thing went OK - you show a lot of courage, doing that. And I hope the coming days are a little easier on you.

Wish I was there to give you lots of big hugs!

Drew's Parents said...

You are such an amazingly strong woman, Dana. And you are a wonderful mother to Jacob. I wish we could have that alternate reality where we are still with our sons. Accepting our situations as they are feels so unacceptable most of the time. I hope that the current plateau you are on can find some upward movement here soon and that peaceful moments become more and more frequent. I know the next month is not going to be easy...I will be thinking about you, holding you, and hugging you each moment! (((Hugs)))

Rhiannon said...

I just read this today but I hope that you were able to make it through yesterday. You are so brave for volunteering at the nursery for your sister. I am not sure if I would have been able to. I am curious to hear how it went for you.

I think that you are doing the best you can right now. There is no time limit on grief. Just remember how far you have come. You have been through what no mother should ever have to go through, we all have, the fact that we are still living, still here is an accomplishment.

I also can't stop myself from thinking about all the what should have been's...it's torture but I can't help it.

Thinking of you and Jacob and hoping you have a gentle day. Hugs!