I feel like I have reached a plateau. I don't think that I will ever feel better than I do now, and I am not very good right now. I've probably had, at the very most, a few hours of feeling truly at peace since June 1, 2010. Those moments came when my husband would unexpectedly make me laugh, when talking to other babyloss Mom's on the phone, spending time with my nephew and that time we found our cat when we thought that we never would (he had been missing for 18 hours).
That's it. A few hours of peace in over 3 months. I don't know how I can keep going on at this rate. There are times when I don't feel completely churned up inside and like I just want to throw up or hurt physically somehow to take the emotional pain away. I just feel like that most of the time. I know that I probably will feel better. I know that I never thought that I would feel as "good" as I do now right after Jacob was born. I thought I would walk around in total devastation forever (which I do, I just deal with it better). I thought that I would never smile again and mean it. But I have. I still felt sad while smiling though.
We drove to the cottage last night and I just sat in the van crying most of the way there (it is 3.5 hours away). I should be 35 weeks pregnant right now. I wouldn't have gone to the cottage this weekend if that had still been the case. I shouldn't be waiting for the results of my latest hCG blood test to see if I have passed everything from my miscarriage in August. I should be uncomfortable. I should be starving all the time. I should be enjoying feeling Jacob kick all the time and excitedly telling others that he is kicking so that they can feel it too.
I shouldn't know nurses on the L & D floor at the hospital yet. I shouldn't know what labour pains feel like yet. I shouldn't know the heart stopping moment of hearing the words "I can't find his heartbeat". I shouldn't be having flashbacks to those 2 days. Those 2 days should have just been regular days. I should be packing my hospital bag and choosing the outfit that I would bring Jacob home in.
I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant again yet. I should be planning my maternity leave, which would have started at the end of September. I should be training the person who would be covering my responsibilities at work for the next year. I should be wearing maternity clothes.
At the cottage today, a chipmunk crawled up my leg for a peanut when I was sitting on the deck. It was so cute, but I was judging whether Jacob weighed more than the chipmunk when he was born (he did).
Tomorrow I am covering the nursery at church. Half of me is scared to do it and half of me is happy to do it. My sister originally volunteered, but she is pregnant and the nausea just started last week and she feels too sick. So I said I would do it for her. I said I couldn't at first (and my Mom would) because I was worried it would upset me too much. I'm still worried about that. But it might be nice to hold a baby. It won't be nice to think of what should have been. I fully expect to cry tomorrow as I hold the babies. I'll just have to try and stop it before the parents come back to pick up their babies. Lucky parents.
I'm just sad. I just miss my baby.