Happy Anniversary

Today is our 1st wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful wedding and we almost had a wonderful first year. I am so grateful that Ted is my husband, that I married someone that I really love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Ted and I have known each other for 10 years and I remember the first time I saw him. I liked him long before we started dating (and he liked me long before too). We dated for 3 years before getting married, but we had already known each other for so long that it feels like we have been together forever. I can't imagine life without him.

We have experienced so much this year. We got married, went to Greece, France and Monaco, we got pregnant and excitedly watched our baby grow and fell more in love with him everyday, we bought a house and went through a lot of stress to sell the condo, but eventually we did. I started a new job just over a year ago and he started a new job a few months ago. We found out there might be something wrong with our baby. Then our baby died. I called Ted and told him over the phone that Jacob had died and he had to wait over an hour before he could get to me and find out exactly what was going on. We went through 18 hours of labour together, then we held our baby as long as we could. We decided what to do with our baby's body and now we visit him in a Memorial Garden. Instead of rubbing my big belly and going to prenatal appointments, we walk with the heavy burden and sadness of a child's death looming over us.  Then I started bleeding and we found out that I might be pregnant. Then we found out that I had had a miscarriage. Then I found a lump in my breast (within days of the miscarriage - so far the lump looks to be a cyst). Then we moved and have started life in a house that is really nice, but was bought at this time because our baby was on his way. I met some wonderful new friends and have discovered from my old group of friends who are the true friends. Ted was by my side through everything.

Today isn't the way I expected it to be. I should be 36 weeks pregnant, not trying to get pregnant for the third time.  I am still grateful for everything that we have (and of course very sad for the babies that we don't have). Ted has been my rock. He always has been, but especially in the past 3.5 months. He has been so patient with me spending so much time on the internet, knowing that it was the only thing keeping me sane in the early days and it is often the only thing that brings me some peace now. I have also spent hours on the phone with other BLM's, another thing that keeps me sane and brings me some peace. Even though Ted has felt lonely at times, he didn't say anything because he knew/knows it is helping me to heal.

Ted has been right there with me. He has felt his own devastation and has been strong for me. He has made me leave the house when all I wanted to do was hibernate inside and hide from the world. He has made me eat when I didn't want to eat, he has chosen my clothes for me when I couldn't figure out what to wear and ended up sobbing because of it. He has hugged me as I have sobbed and felt like I was just going to rip open from the pain. He checks on me everyday at work, several times a day. He has answered the question "how is she" too many times to count and didn't mind that people weren't asking how he was too.

He has watched the woman he married change and has worried that she will never return. He has worried alot about that.

Today we are going to the CN Tower for lunch to celebrate our anniversary. I am determined to be happy today (as much as I can be). I'm determined not to dwell on losing my babies today. Ted deserves to have me present today, to just celebrate what we do have. I don't feel too badly today yet either. Yesterday was a pretty good day. We had Ben for the day and it is hard to feel the crushing pain when there is a little 2 year old looking up at you and smiling, holding on to you when he is scared of something (in this case, a guy dressed as a dog at a fall fair), go past the garden where Jacob is buried and wave and say "Hi Jacob", totally umprompted, smile with excitement when he sees horses, put his head on your shoulder when he is tired and cry when it is time to leave because he is having so much fun.

Here is to hoping for another good day today and a great life with my wonderful husband.