Conference, a tree and a visit from a baby

Last Thursday I went to a course away from the office. I managed to pay attention to the trainer for a whole hour out of the 6 hour course. I still thought about Jacob and imagined others at the table asking if I have any kids during that hour, but I knew what was going on and was able to concentrate on it. Then my ability to concentrate left and I spent the rest of the day in my dream world while I kept removing all of my hair that was falling out off the desk.

I think this is the first hour in 3.5 months that I have concentrated on anything that was kind of boring for so long. Actually, since I concentrated on anything for so long that didn’t directly have to do with baby loss.

AF started on Thursday. I’m hoping that I’m pregnant next month at this time. Maybe I’ll even know before Jacob’s due date, but with the timing, that would be very lucky.

I was so obsessed with being pregnant before his due date up until a few weeks ago. I guess the miscarriage with angel #2 (name to be decided) has increased the hopelessness. Now it seems like a pipe dream. I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive to this point without being pregnant already, without having that hope.

September seemed so far away last June. I’m amazed I’m still alive sometimes. I couldn’t even imagine making it this far right after he was born.

I got a letter from the funeral home that we worked with for Jacob’s cremation. In addition to being really nice to us and not charging us anything for their services, the letter we got said that they are planting a tree in Jacob’s memory! I was reading this on Front St. in Toronto, a very busy street, and I started crying right there. I met up with Ted at the GO Train and showed him the card the funeral home sent. I could tell that it really touched him, I thought he might even cry but he didn’t.

Yesterday a coworker, who I barely know, brought in her 9 month old baby boy. She knows people I work with, so she brought him up and everyone stood around looking at him and trying to make him laugh. Once upon a time I would have been one of those people. I decided that I would make an appearance. They were in the hall right outside my cubicle and I had to get up and walk by a few times, so I didn't want to look antisocial. I'm pretty sure that the baby's Mom has no idea that my baby boy died. She might not even know that I was pregnant. Anyway, I stood there for about 30 seconds and couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't crying yet. I had to stay at my desk because I needed to print something and then leave for an event I was organizing. As I was waiting for the document to open, he started laughing. An adorable, infectious baby laugh. I took out Jacob's ultrasound picture and started crying. I told Jacob how sorry I am that he will never get to laugh like that, that he will never get the chance to be admired by so many people who will all exclaim over how cute he is and ask to hold him.

As I was sitting at my desk crying, no one who was looking at the baby could see me. My co-worker Jen, who is such a nice person and has been amazing since Jacob died, came over, put her hand on my shoulder and quietly asked if I was OK. I said I was, but she saw the tears in my eyes and the ultrasound picture in front of me. She said she was sorry and left. I was so touched. I wondered if any of the people there who know what happened, which was most of them, were wondering if it was hard for me to see Evan (which, coincidentally, is the name we called Jacob before he was born. We almost named him Evan, but Jacob had always been a front runner too and he seemed like a Jacob).

Anyway, I love Jen for doing that and I love that the funeral home is planting a tree in Jacob's memory.