Flashbacks and other things

My hCG level is now zero. The nurse at my OB’s office called first thing this morning. At least I don’t have to do anymore bloodwork. My hair is also falling out. It stopped falling out shortly after I got pregnant with Jacob and I may have lost a strand or two here and there over the summer, but nothing like this. Now I just look at my shirt and there are several strands lying on it. And my milk has almost dried up.
Although I know all of these things have to happen, I hate that they are. They are more physical signs that Jacob and angel #2 are gone.

I was afraid to ask the nurse about when we can try again, but I did. She said to wait one normal period, which I think might be coming soon. I also asked how long it would take for my milk to dry up and she had no idea. She suggested that I call the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital, but at least she acknowledged that I might not want to do that. In some ways I want to, just so that I can tell someone Jacob’s story as I’m asking the question. Just so that one more person knows about his life.

I’ve been having more flashbacks lately. Last night I was lying in bed, remembering how on a Monday 3.5 months ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in labour with my baby. Today, being a Tuesday, is a little tougher than usual. But then I’ve had a lot of hard days lately, so I can’t really say that it was worse than Sunday. I’ve decided to light a candle for Jacob every Tuesday. I don’t know why I didn’t think of doing it sooner. Last night, Ted and I were on the couch watching TV and I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop. It was like the early days. We would be sitting there together, he’d have his arm around me and I’d sit there sobbing.

Yesterday on the way to work, Ted told me that he’d had a flashback the night before to the moment when I called and told him on the phone that Jacob had died. He said the same feeling he had at that moment washed over him and he felt so incredibly sad all over again. I just held his hand and tried to hide my tears from him as I knew he would stop talking if he saw me crying.

I’m not only having flashbacks to “the” 2 days. I’m also having flashbacks to when I was pregnant and how happy I was. I see someone at work and I remember the day I told them. I see a pickle and I remember the day I threw one up and the terrible heartburn I had for 4 hours afterwards. I see the couch I lay on every night for almost 2 months because I just felt too sick to sit on it. I’m wearing my Spring/Fall coat now. I wore it while pregnant, watching and feeling it get tighter and tighter until I couldn’t do it up anymore. Now I’m wearing it again and there is plenty of room in the belly area. It goes on and on and on. Sometimes the memories make me smile. Sometimes they make me cry. Sometimes I smile and cry at the same time. The other day I found a piece of paper that I wrote down the times that I felt Jacob kick. Of course, it was the day before I found out that he had died, so he wasn’t him kicking at all. But I look at the handwriting and think of how happy I was that day. How I wish I could go back in time.

I saw a picture of a 9 week old baby that was miscarried a few days ago on the BCC. It convinced me that the little clear ball I held on the day of my miscarriage on August 20th was my second baby. At least I got to hold him/her. I just wish I could have taken that little one home and buried him/her. I can’t beat myself up about it. What’s done is done. I didn’t even know it was a miscarriage at the time. It crossed my mind, but I didn’t know that I might possibly have been pregnant until 5 days later.

Jacob, we miss you and love you more than we can ever possibly tell you. We miss your baby brother or sister too. I hope you are taking care of the little one. It seems funny to refer to someone as smaller than you. I realized the other day that you are almost definitely the youngest person buried in the Memorial Garden. I’m so sorry that you died so young.