Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hopeless

I don’t feel good today. I don’t feel good any day, but I just feel so down right now. I feel down and hopeless and vacant. I feel like a shell.

I have so many wonderful people in my life, so many people who care and I am very grateful for that. But nothing will ever bring my babies back. My babies will always be dead. Nothing will change that. It is hard enough losing Jacob, but now knowing that I’ve lost another baby…it is just too much sometimes.

I can't wrap my head around it. They are never coming back.

I feel guilty that I think about Jacob more than I think about Angel#2. That baby deserves attention too, but I knew Jacob so much better. I kissed him, I rocked him, I felt him kick, I saw him moving. I didn't even know I was pregnant with #2 until he/she was gone.

If I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again, I think that baby will die too. I don’t have a good track record when it comes to keeping babies alive, so how can I ever trust that my body will do it. I know I should be more optimistic, but I don’t have the strength right now.

So that is how I am feeling at this moment in time. I’m also feeling guilty for feeling this way. I know other people have been through more than I have, but that doesn’t take my pain away.

11 comments:

Jessica said...

No it never takes our pain away to know others have it worse. It doesn't make our pain lessen. I worry about the same things as you but I am seeing a specialist that will HOPEFULLY figure out what is going on because I didn't think I could handle losing two babies so of course I can't imagine living through another loss. Thinking of you today! <3

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time this week. Know that I am thinking of you today. I will try and give you a call tonight and we can talk some.
Sending you love and hugs
Carrie

Julie said...

i think it's perfectly understandable that you are missing jacob more than Angel #2. as you said, you didn't even know about that baby until s/he was gone. and jacob you carried for so much longer, felt him move, saw him on ultrasounds, gave birth to, and held in your arms. you have nothing to feel guilty for, and lots of people who love you and your angels.

{{hugs}}

Drew's Parents said...

I sent you a message before I saw your post here. :( I wish I were there to give you hugs. You love both Jacob and your angel so much. I truly believe that they know it and that they feel it. You are a wonderful mother to your angel babies and will be an amazing mother to your Earth babies too. I understand why you have the feelings of hopelessness right now. Know that I doubling up on my hope and well wishes for you today (and everyday). I am sending you very specific baby wishes this month! <3 <3 <3

Michelle said...

(((HUGS))) try not to feel guilty...my first miscarriage at five weeks I did not know I was pregnant and it was hard, but losing Liam was a lot harder for me.

Elaine said...

I've had those feelings. Those vacant days when not only can I not really function but I actually don't want to. I get what you're saying about the guilt. Having a possible ecotopic in August didn't really even faze me other than feeling the frustration and emotional turmoil. But as much as I totally think life begins at conception I was not torn up about a possible loss of life. I do feel a little guilty about that but I think it's just my mind and heart protecting me. It knows at this time I just can't handle anymore.

Angela said...

I've had days like this too. When you feel empty and wrung out and kicked around by the grief, the weight of your loss. It makes sense that you miss Jacob more than your angel. You interacted with Jacob, you felt him move and kick, and your birthed him. As you said, you didn't know about your angel until he/she was gone. I'm sorry today is so hard. I'm thinking of you and if you want to talk let me know.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. After losing Gabe and then 4 more babies, I know what I feel like in terms of not believing in my body. I know that losing Gabe was harder.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm hoping it will be kinder to you.

Violet1122 said...

Dana, I understand every word you have written here. It's only natural you would think about Jacob more than your second baby - but I also know it's hard not to feel guilty about that.

I lived in the lowest pit of hopelesness for so long... and I can promise you that one day you will find yourself hopeful again.

I'm so sorry this has been such a bad day for you. Please know I am thinking of you all the time... ((Big Hugs))

butterflymom said...

Hugs to you, hun. And a lovely blog award coming your way... Please check out my latest post (I'm so honored....) I am honored to know you and have you be a part of my journey. Thank you, Dana.

Rhiannon said...

Dana, I am so sorry that you are hurting. Of course you miss your babies. I think it is natural for you to miss Jacob more, but of course you love them both. Be gentle with yourself and know that you have lots of support out here from people who love you. Hugs, my friend.