I don’t feel good today. I don’t feel good any day, but I just feel so down right now. I feel down and hopeless and vacant. I feel like a shell.
I have so many wonderful people in my life, so many people who care and I am very grateful for that. But nothing will ever bring my babies back. My babies will always be dead. Nothing will change that. It is hard enough losing Jacob, but now knowing that I’ve lost another baby…it is just too much sometimes.
I can't wrap my head around it. They are never coming back.
I feel guilty that I think about Jacob more than I think about Angel#2. That baby deserves attention too, but I knew Jacob so much better. I kissed him, I rocked him, I felt him kick, I saw him moving. I didn't even know I was pregnant with #2 until he/she was gone.
If I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again, I think that baby will die too. I don’t have a good track record when it comes to keeping babies alive, so how can I ever trust that my body will do it. I know I should be more optimistic, but I don’t have the strength right now.
So that is how I am feeling at this moment in time. I’m also feeling guilty for feeling this way. I know other people have been through more than I have, but that doesn’t take my pain away.