Yesterday was a surprisingly good day…probably the best day I’ve had since losing Jacob. I don’t know what it was. I still missed him and thought about him a lot, but there were moments, albeit very brief ones, when I felt like my old self, moments I never thought I would have again.
Nothing special even happened yesterday. We got up, went to church, I got some blankets to put in the box I’m going to donate to the hospital where Jacob was born (and bring there on his due date), we got some groceries and went home and did some unpacking. I got a few RSVPs for my Mom’s party next Sunday, Ted put together the bookshelves and I started putting my books on them. Mom called and wanted to me to go to some open houses with her. We were looking around a house and I was genuinely interested, not just pretending to be. Is this my old self coming out? And I did something when I was out with Ted. I can’t remember what it was. I made a joke out of something or other. Right after I did, it struck me that I haven’t done that since May 30th. What was really amazing was that it just came naturally.
Of course, last night I got into bed and was lying there and suddenly the sadness was everywhere again. Ted walked in the room and saw it right away. He got into bed, we hugged and I started crying and crying. He said that he was sad too and I said that it is almost 4 months. How is it possible that it is almost 4 months? On Saturday, Ted was in the backyard doing yard work. I was watching him out the kitchen window while I did dishes and I started imagining what it would have been like to watch Ted and Jacob doing that work together. A little boy and his Dad. A moment we will never have with Jacob. One of millions of moments we will never have.
There was a white butterfly that kept flying around and once it got really close to Ted. I finally grabbed the camera to go and get a picture of it, but it left by the time I got out there. We were driving around later that day and I mentioned something about the pregnancy, some little moment that made me smile. Sometimes we can talk about it that way now. It can make us smile to remember something about it, to remember how happy we were then. Then Ted said that he suddenly got really sad and he wonders what Jacob would have looked like. I said that he would have looked like Ted, but with my cheekbones. We were silent after that for awhile.
I have been missing my baby belly a lot lately. On Saturday I was sitting eating dinner and suddenly the absence of that weight was overwhelming. Later on I bent over, and the absence of that weight struck me again. This happened all the time in the early days, but it hasn’t happened in a month or so. I still rub my belly, as I always have since finding out I was pregnant and then losing Jacob, but I don’t think about the feeling of the weight as much. Also, for the first time in a month or so, I looked down and saw the way my shirt was resting on my belly, so different from how it did when I was pregnant. In the first 2 months after he was born, I looked at that all the time. Almost every time I moved, I was very aware of how my shirt was fitting differently and I hated it.
Ben made me happy again. He and Laurie came over on Saturday night and we played and had fun as usual. Laurie told me that the other day Ben’s Dad Andy was saying words to Ben to see what he would respond with. When Andy said “Aunt” Ben said “Dana”. Ben has 5 aunts, so I was pretty happy that I was the first one he thought of. It has been my goal since the day I found out Laurie was pregnant with him to be his favorite aunt. Looks like I’m succeeding.
I just found out that the woman at work who was pregnant at the same time as me, and was 2 weeks ahead, had her baby last night. The baby is alive, which I am very happy about. I am also very happy that she had a girl and not a boy. My wonderful husband called me as soon as he found out so that he would be the one to tell me and to make sure that I’m OK. I did get choked up, but it has passed (for now anyway). Ted also got me a card today. It has pictures of butterflies on it and a nice note from him. He wrote "Jacob" beside one butterfly and "August" beside the other one. August is what we are calling the baby that we lost in August. I talked to Ted about naming that baby awhile ago and he said it was too painful to talk about at the time. Today he called out of the blue and said that we never named that baby. So I told him that I had been calling the baby Scout, but he didn't like it that much. So then I said that I had come across another baby loss Mom who named her babies after the month they were born. So August it is for now. I'm not totally satisfied with that name though, so it might change again.