Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Ben is their only grandchild? What about Jacob?

So it is Tuesday and Tuesdays are typically bad days for me. I had a surprise last Tuesday when I noticed that it was 10:30am and I hadn’t relived what happened the day Jacob was born from 6-9am like I had always done since he was born. No such luck today. I am reliving it all, sitting here crying at my desk as I do.
 
We got the cats back on Friday so I got up 15 minutes early today to spend some time with them before getting ready and leaving for work. I lay on the couch and turned on HGTV and Colin and Justin’s Home Heist was on. When I was pregnant, I always got up a few minutes early and lay on the couch feeling my belly and would watch the end of that show. Well, it just brought it all back and I started crying and crying as I lay there. Oliver came and lay on my chest and put his paw on my cheek. It was pretty cute, but I just want my baby back.

I got really upset over something on the weekend. We have a big family reunion on my Mom’s side of the family on August 15th. The organizer sent an email to each family asking how many people are coming. My parents wrote back and said that each of their kids, their kids spouses and their only grandchild Ben would be attending. Their *only* grandchild. Who was that baby they all held on June 1 and cried over? Did they really have to use the word *only*? Couldn’t they have just said their grandchild Ben? I called my Mom and told her that I was upset about it. She said that all of her friends talk about their grandchild that way if it is their only one. They always say “only grandchild” before the child’s name. But do they all have one living grandchild and one dead grandchild? I don’t think so. And they cc’d me on the email, so they knew that I’d see it. Also, the email was sent (and I saw it) on the 2 month anniversary of Jacob’s birth. They didn’t say a thing to me about it being 2 months, no one in my family did, but they sent that email and twisted the knife a little bit more. I am trying to get over it, but I’m having trouble. I know they didn’t write it to hurt me or deny Jacob’s existence, but couldn’t they have been a little more thoughtful about it. My Mom is usually really worried about hurting people’s feelings - didn’t it occur to her that this would hurt mine?

I’m so grateful to all of my babyloss Mom friends who acknowledged his 2 month birthday. I would have been even more of a mess that day then I was if no one had. I appreciate you all soooo much.

14 comments:

Elaine said...

This is really hard and something I am struggling with as well. It's good you were able to talk to your mom about it and hopefully she will be more sensitive to it in the future.

Drew's Parents said...

What a painful experience to have to go through...and to have to deal with all of that on the 1st?! I am so sorry that you had such a cruel few days. I hope that your mom was able to understand why you were hurt by the RSVP. It is hard to know how our families define our babies. I wonder if they acknowledge them in conversation..."yes, I have nephew but he passed away." I think the least that our families can do is to acknowledge our babies to us and in front of us. I can (kind of) understand a coworker ignoring what happened, but a family member? Like you said...it just twists the knife even deeper. I am so sorry and am thinking about you and Jacob. (((hugs)))

Rhiannon said...

Strangely, I had a very similar experience over the weekend. It was pretty hurtful to me and I am sorry that you had to go through it too. I hope that your Tuesday gets a little better. Thinking of you!

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry for the added hurt. It's really hard when it seems like the grandparents are "forgetting" the pain. Today is a hard Tuesday for me too. I hope yours gets a little better.
Carrie

Michelle said...

sorry you had to go through that.. I hope your mom is more sensitive to you in the future (((HUGS)))

loribeth said...

Here from LFCA (catching up on my reading after vacation). I am sorry for all that you've been through. I see from a previous post that you're from the Toronto area. My dh & I used to attend (& then facilitated) a perinatal bereavement support group -- it helped us enormously. I loved my daily online support fix, but it really helps to be able to meet & talk with "real life" bereaved parents too. www.pbso.ca

Kristi said...

(((hugs)))

Lucid Anne said...

I actually called my dad Sunday just specifically so I could confront him on my fears that he does not consider Valentina to be his grandbaby. :( It was all fine and worked out, but it was totally something I had to do to prevent something like this happening to me. (And I'm sure it will anyway.) (Just wait till Christmas, this stuff always happens at holidays right?)

Melissa said...

I'm sorry I can understand you being upset that would have hurt me too. ((hugs))

Violet1122 said...

The "only" comment would have crushed me too. I'm sorry that happened; it must have been a slap in the face.

I try to be forgiving and understanding when someone says something that is hurtful - but it's REALLY hard sometimes. I think people who don't have to live the grief day in and day out like we do feel that not talking about it, not thinking about it, not acknowledging it, can make everything OK.

We know better, don't we?

((Big Hugs)) I hope the rest of your day was a little better. I think of you so much - I pray for you to feel some comfort and to feel your Jacob near.

Julie said...

that would be SO hard, especially coming from the people you expect to be most supportive. i'm so sorry. i hope you are able to get through that family event with a little peace, and maybe even enjoy yourself - even just a little!

hugs.

Jennifer said...

It's so heartbreaking when our own loved ones forget about our babies. Hugs and love to you.

Andrea said...

It is so hard when family isn't as supportive as you hoped. You would think they would be there first and foremost. I'm sorry that you have to deal with more hurt on top of everything else. Hugs to you!

Monica said...

My mom told my niece that she was her favorite granddaughter (only living granddaughter) right in front of me, I could tell she realized what she said but didn't take it back or apologize at all. It's so hard sometimes. Hugs