Friday, August 27, 2010

Moving

Dear Jacob,

Yesterday was our last day at the condo and I have mixed feelings about leaving. This is the place where I was pregnant with you and I have so many wonderful memories there - of lying in bed and on the couch and looking at and rubbing my belly; of standing in front of the bathroom mirror, watching my belly get bigger and bigger; of looking down at my feet in the shower one day and realizing that I couldn’t see them anymore (and of throwing up in the shower one day when the nausea was really bad...I laugh at that memory now); of taking my belly pictures in the hall; of calling everyone when I was sitting in the living room, telling them that I was pregnant and listening to their reactions (which included a few screams of happiness); of looking out the living room window in the middle of the night as I ate a few crackers because I woke up starving; of getting up three times a night to pee; of running to the bathroom halfway through dinner to throw up, with my hand over my mouth hoping I would get there in time; of feeling you kick and sitting on the couch with your Dad resting his hand on my belly, hoping that he would be able to feel it too. He never did get to.

But the condo is also the place where I have spent the darkest days of my life after I lost you. The days when I didn’t want to wake up in the morning because I knew you would be gone. The days when I woke up crying and fell asleep crying and cried all day in between. The days of feeling completely devastated and completely hopeless. Not all of those days have passed. Many have come, stayed awhile, left for awhile and come back. Many will be with me forever, or that is how it feels right now.

Today we went for the final walkthrough of our new house. The house we bought in April because of you. It has 4 bedrooms upstairs, plenty of room for you and your siblings. I had your room picked out. I imagined bringing you home from the hospital to this house. I imagined walking to your Aunty Laurie's most days to visit and so that you and Ben could play together. I imagined hanging out with your Grandma when I was on maternity leave with you. I imagined you going to the school across the road and of taking you to the nearby parks and watching you play in the splash pads.

Now the house seems so, so empty. It is big and empty. When we went back to see the house the 2nd time before putting an offer on it, your Dad was taking some pictures and I happened to be on the stairs when he took one. I looked so happy and hopeful there. I was almost 16 weeks pregnant with you and thought I was out of the woods. Little did I know the rollercoaster ride that I'd be getting on soon and that I will never be able to get off.

I am still excited about the house and I'm glad that we now live in the same city where your ashes are buried. I feel like a better Mommy now because I will be able to visit you more often. I talk to you alot and I think of you all the time, but I just like being able to go to the garden, it makes me feel like you aren't so alone. We drove by it tonight and it was so dark in there. It bothers me that it is so dark, but I know that's silly. I'm babysitting Ben on Wednesday and I want to take him to the garden for awhile. There is just something about seeing him play around the garden where you are. But I also just want to go there, sit on the bench and cry my eyes out. If I could, I'd lie over the place you are buried and sob.

I miss you so much. You will always be my sweet, sweet boy. If only I could hold you again, if only I could kiss you one more time.

I love you forever,

Mom

5 comments:

Julie said...

i hope that your new home will be a fresh new start... and a lovely home for jacob's younger siblings. good luck w/ your move!

mommy4boys said...

I am sorry for all the mixed feelings right now. Just know you are doing great. Enjoy little Ben today. I am sure he'll have fun in the garder.
Lots of hugs!
Carrie

Violet1122 said...

What a cross-roads you are at! I hope your new house will feel like "home" soon. Of course, Jacob will always be with you, no matter where you go on this earth.

I remember moving from my last house, after my first two losses. I thought I was doing OK with everything until the last day or so we were there. I was afraid that somehow I wouldn't feel the presence of my babies as much in a new home. I can honestly tell you - my fears were unfounded.

You mention how the new house seems so big. In no time at all you will be filling your hew home with memories, and of course Jacob will always be a part of them. Hopefully soon, Jacob will have siblings that will fill up your home faster than you can blink.

You've got a lot on your plate right now - please take good care of yourself!

Danae said...

Dana,

I haven't been around much over the last week, and I just got caught up on reading your blog posts. It sounds like this has been one of the ultimate roller coaster rides this week for you. I pray the lump you found isn't anything bad, and I pray that you are indeed pregnant with your rainbow.

I know moving into your new house is bittersweet. All the plans you had for this new house are suddenly so different, and I so wish Jacob could be there with you right now.

I think of you often my dear friend and I wish I could make this week a little bit easier for you. If you need me for anything, please let me know.

Sending you lots of love and lots of hugs, and thinking about you today and everyday!

Drew's Parents said...

I am crying with you, Dana. This transition that you are in is incredibly difficult. Everything should be drastically different and these next stages we are embarking on feel so empty without our sons. I hope that Jacob's sibling will soon be making your new house feel like a bustling home. Remember that Jacob will be there too. He will always be there with you, watching over his family.