AF came today. I kept hoping that it wouldn't, but it did. So now it really is back to square one. No more hope that I am pregnant right now. I haven't cried about it yet, maybe because I was at work when it started. Just last night I was saying to Ted that 2 of the symptoms I often get when it is about to start haven't shown up yet, so I started to get hopeful again.
I know this is only the first month that we have tried and that it would be pretty amazing if it did happen the first month, but it has happened to others so I hoped it would happen for us.
I'm trying to look at the bright side. Maybe the baby we are meant to have isn't ready to be conceived yet (this point will only continue to make me feel somewhat better if I get pregnant in the next month).
We are moving at the end of the month. Maybe if I was pregnant now, the move would somehow hurt the baby. But I doubt it because I would know that I'm pregnant and I wouldn't lift a thing.
Maybe my body just isn't ready to carry a baby yet. Maybe by not getting pregnant this month, I am being saved from losing another baby. I'd rather wait another month (or 2) to get pregnant than lose another one. Of course, I would never want to change getting pregnant with Jacob. Even if I could have been saved all of the grief, he is my baby boy and I am so proud of him. I can't imagine not knowing him. I loved every minute that I was pregnant with him and every little kick made me happy beyond belief. Every ultrasound I went to was one of the highlights of my life (except for the last one). I loved seeing him move around, I was so proud that he wouldn't stay still for the measurement and that his heartbeat was so strong. I just couldn't believe that I was actually having a baby. I love that I got to carry such a special baby.
I'm just trying to come up with things to make me feel better, but I'm starting to feel more and more depressed about it.
My trigger for today is the cans of gingerale in the fridge. We bought them months ago when my nausea was really bad. I only had a few at the time. Now everytime I open the fridge they are right there. I also have a can of apple juice in there that I never opened. I used to pour it in water bottles and drink it on the subway on the way to work. It was the only thing that kept me from throwing up on the train (until I discovered Werther's Originals).
I've had some cramps and back pain today, but I haven't taken anything for it. Before I got pregnant with Jacob, I would have. Part of me thought that I shouldn't just in the off chance that I was actually pregnant and just having some spotting (AF was light this morning). I am also in the mindset of not taking any pills, except vitamins. I didn't take anything other than vitamins when pregnant with Jacob, not even tylenol, and it seems strange to me that I am allowed to now.
I hope we get some good news at the beginning of September. It would be a nice way to start out our lives at our new house.