Friday, August 6, 2010

It's here

AF came today. I kept hoping that it wouldn't, but it did. So now it really is back to square one. No more hope that I am pregnant right now. I haven't cried about it yet, maybe because I was at work when it started. Just last night I was saying to Ted that 2 of the symptoms I often get when it is about to start haven't shown up yet, so I started to get hopeful again. 

I know this is only the first month that we have tried and that it would be pretty amazing if it did happen the first month, but it has happened to others so I hoped it would happen for us. 

I'm trying to look at the bright side. Maybe the baby we are meant to have isn't ready to be conceived yet (this point will only continue to make me feel somewhat better if I get pregnant in the next month).

We are moving at the end of the month. Maybe if I was pregnant now, the move would somehow hurt the baby. But I doubt it because I would know that I'm pregnant and I wouldn't lift a thing.

Maybe my body just isn't ready to carry a baby yet. Maybe by not getting pregnant this month, I am being saved from losing another baby. I'd rather wait another month (or 2) to get pregnant than lose another one. Of course, I would never want to change getting pregnant with Jacob. Even if I could have been saved all of the grief, he is my baby boy and I am so proud of him. I can't imagine not knowing him. I loved every minute that I was pregnant with him and every little kick made me happy beyond belief. Every ultrasound I went to was one of the highlights of my life (except for the last one). I loved seeing him move around, I was so proud that he wouldn't stay still for the measurement and that his heartbeat was so strong. I just couldn't believe that I was actually having a baby. I love that I got to carry such a special baby.

I'm just trying to come up with things to make me feel better, but I'm starting to feel more and more depressed about it.

My trigger for today is the cans of gingerale in the fridge. We bought them months ago when my nausea was really bad. I only had a few at the time. Now everytime I open the fridge they are right there. I also have a can of apple juice in there that I never opened. I used to pour it in water bottles and drink it on the subway on the way to work. It was the only thing that kept me from throwing up on the train (until I discovered Werther's Originals). 

I've had some cramps and back pain today, but I haven't taken anything for it. Before I got pregnant with Jacob, I would have. Part of me thought that I shouldn't just in the off chance that I was actually pregnant and just having some spotting (AF was light this morning). I am also in the mindset of not taking any pills, except vitamins. I didn't take anything other than vitamins when pregnant with Jacob, not even tylenol,  and it seems strange to me that I am allowed to now. 

I hope we get some good news at the beginning of September. It would be a nice way to start out our lives at our new house.

12 comments:

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Praying that you get good news in September!!!

Andrea said...

Oh, sorry to hear. It is so hard when you are hopeful each month and then AF comes. I'm there with you. I hope next month is your month! Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.

car said...

If only there was way to know when we would be pregnant, the waiting would be SO much easier if we didn't all get our hopes up every single cycle. Hope this next one is the one for you.

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry! HUGS.

Julie said...

so sorry it didn't work the first month out. that would have been wonderful. i agree - even though things ended the way they did, i wouldn't change having kenny for anything (other than him being alive, of course).

wishing you baby dust for september!

Violet1122 said...

I'm so sorry AF showed up. I know how disappointing that must be. I remember after my first two losses when AF showed up for me - it was devastating. Like I knew for sure there was no more baby inside me. That sounds dumb, obviously I knew I had miscarriages, but there is something so upsetting when your body get "back on track" and you are nowhere near emotionally ready to be back to normal.

I'm praying you feel some comfort this weekend - please be gentle on yourself.

Jennifer said...

Sending you hugs and love. Hang in there, dearie.

Lucid Anne said...

I'm so sorry Dana. :( I love you and I know your rainbow is coming. <3 Keep the faith mama!!

Drew's Parents said...

I am so sorry that this wasn't the month. Our bodies play such cruel games with us...Give us symptoms and signs that allow us to get our hopes up. I guess one way to look at it is that you have another few weeks to build up your folic acid intake and all of your other vitamins. I also use AF as a time to enjoy a glass of wine! I figure I should have something I want if I have to deal with the disappointment of not being pregnant. Hopefully this will be your last AF for many many months and that the next time it arrives you will be taking care of your precious rainbow baby. Hugs and love!

Elaine said...

AF is a hateful old woman isn't she?!?! I'm waiting this weekend to see if she comes.

Sending you a big hug, I know this will be a stressful time.

Emily said...

If I could give you any advice, and I know this is hard to follow, but try not to set a time line of 'when I should' be pregnant by.
I did that last year trying to get pregnant with Aidan and it was SO stressful. I had wanted to get pregnant by the end of the summer, then by my birthday and finally it happened before Christmas, but for those 9 cycles that it took to conceive I was a total wreck. I stressed out about it ALL the time and it really did impact my mental wellness.
So, I know as much as it would be wonderful to be pregnant by such and such a date (Jacob's due date being #1), it may not work out that way.
I know I'm stating the obvious here and heck, next month could very well be 'your month' but I just wanted to say that I know from experience just how devestating it can be to set yourself up for failure that way. And the last thing you need right now is to 'fail' at something. Your son died...be gentle with yourself. It will happen and when it does it will be the right time.
(I say this but of course am still crossing fingers for us both that it happens again soon).
Much love.

Shanna said...

I'm so sorry this wasn't your month either. I hate being hopeful and then being disappointed. Hopefully next month will bring us better news!