Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I miss you

Dear Jacob,

I miss you so much. I miss you all the time, but I'm just missing you so much tonight. I can't seem to stop crying. I miss everything about you. I feel so lucky that I was chosen to be your Mom, I'm just so sad that I couldn't keep you.

Today Dad and I went out for dinner and sat on the patio, which faced the street. A pregnant woman walked by with a tank top on and I couldn't stop staring at her belly. I asked Dad if that was how big I was and he said that it was. It seems like so long is hard to believe that I was ever that big. I miss having you inside of me, I miss rubbing my belly, I miss feeling your kicks...what I would give just to feel you kick me again, just to hold you one more time.

I know I carry you around in my heart, I know that you are always with me and I know that you are an angel. But I didn't want an angel baby, I wanted a baby that I could raise, that I could teach, that I could just love more than anything. I do love you more than anything, but I can't hug you, I can't kiss you, I can't brush your hair, I can't kiss your cuts all better, I can't show you off to other people, I can't read you stories at night, I can't sing you lullabies, I can't watch you make a funny face when you try a certain food for the first time and don't like it, I'll never hear your sweet little voice and I'll never see your eyes light up when I walk in the room.

I am so proud of you baby. I was so proud of you at every ultrasound when the technicians said how much you were moving around, so much that it made it hard for them to get your measurements. It was ridiculous how proud I was of you. I watched you on the screen and saw you flipping from side to side, opening your mouth, stretching your neck, moving your arms and legs all around. I also remember staring at your arms and legs when I was holding you. They were so still. I couldn't believe that you had died, you had such a strong heartbeat and you moved around so much. How could you have been so healthy and then just died? I need an answer, but I'll never get one. Will I ever be at peace with that?

There are alot of songs that I've heard other babyloss mom's talk about, but I just couldn't make myself listen to them yet. When I was pregnant and emotional, every time the song "Wavin' Flag" came on the radio, I would start to cry because it made me think of all the injustice in the world and of all the suffering children. Your Dad and I would laugh at how I cried every time I heard it, it would start just by hearing the first few notes of the music. I just can't listen to that song now, it reminds me so much of when I was pregnant and so happy.

Tonight I listened to "I Will Carry You" by Selah. I read the book about the little girl that the song was written about, so I'd been meaning to find it. It is a beautiful song and I've been crying ever since I listened to it 2 hours ago.

I just hate that babies die, I hate that there is so much pain in the world and so many Mommy's, Daddy's, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends are missing babies that died way too soon. That there are so many empty cribs,  broken hearts and lost dreams in the world.

I hate that we don't have you anymore. I hate that time is passing and each day takes me further away from the last time I held you and kissed you. I don't want to move further away from that time. I know that time makes the pain of losing you a little easier to bear most days, but I am still so devastated. I dreamed of you for so long and we wanted you so badly.

I love you so much.



Angela said...

This is a wonderful and sweet letter to Jacob, but so sad too. I love that song. I listen to it often and it always makes me cry. So much love to you.

Emmy said...

Just gathering you into my arms and giving you a hug, wishing I had some meaningful words to make it better. I've got nothing, except that, for every day that takes you further from the last time you held Jacob, you get a day closer to holding him again. I love you!!!

Drew's Parents said...

Your letter to Jacob is beautiful, Dana. That song really touched me too. I hate that there is so much loss and pain out there. We should have been holding our babies not mourning them. I am sending you an abundance of comforting thoughts, big hugs, and caring prayers. You are in my heart today, as you are everyday. Love you <3

Andrea said...

Such a beautiful letter and all the same words in my heart. Thinking of you and sending love and hugs!

Elaine said...

Dana, that is such a beautiful letter. I'm sending you big virtual hugs. I know how much you love and miss your little guy. You will get to see him again one day and I know that seems like a long time away and you want him with you now. But you will get him forever. Jacob would be proud of his Mommy. The fact that you are willing to share your journey and your story with the rest of us is a testemant to how strong Jacob's Momma is.

Anonymous said...

Oh Dana. <3 So beautiful. I really relate to that pain with the healthy ultrasound. I feel the same- we were at L&D the very morning of the day V died... and she was perfect, happy and bouncing and good heart rate.. they were even like "you have a happy baby!" :(

Violet1122 said...

Dana, I wish there was a way I could give you a great big hug right now. I will never understand it - why you lost your Jacob, and why I lost my babies. NEVER.

I cried reading the part about being proud to be a mom - but wishing that Jacob wasn't an angel baby. I have shed many, many tears thinking about all the things I could have done, all the things I would have done, if I had the opportunity to raise my babies. If only we had the chance to do those things...

I wish there was something I could do to ease your sorrow - please know that I think of you so often. You are always in my prayers. I pray that you find some comfort, some peace throughout the day. I pray that you feel Jacob's presence near you when you need it most. I pray that your rainbow baby sparks into your life soon.

I especially wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog - you have no idea how much it affected me, in a lovely way. You give me the gentle encouragement that I need so much. I know I'm an emotional basket-case most of the time, but you always make me feel like I'm an OK person.

Please know I'm always here for you

((Big Hugs))

Danae said...

Sending you lots of hugs tonight. I wish Jacob could be there with you, still happy and healthy. My heart aches for the things we will never get to do with our little ones who have just hurts so much.

As always, lots of love to you and Jacob!!

car said...

I can't listen to Wavin' Flag anymore either. (I don't like hearing "When I get older, I will be stronger" because Reid won't ever get older or be stronger.) I don't listen any meaningful songs anymore, it just hurts too much.

Hope you are having a better night tonight.

Jennifer said...

Dana, this is such a moving letter to your Jacob. It shows how much he is so loved and remembered by you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

mommy4boys said...

You love Jacob so much! I hate that you had such a hard day today. I am thinking of you.
Lots of hugs your way

Rhonda said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Julie said...

i, too, think about all the things our precious boys will never get to do, or that we will never get to do for them. it's simply unfair.