I miss you

Dear Jacob,

I miss you so much. I miss you all the time, but I'm just missing you so much tonight. I can't seem to stop crying. I miss everything about you. I feel so lucky that I was chosen to be your Mom, I'm just so sad that I couldn't keep you.

Today Dad and I went out for dinner and sat on the patio, which faced the street. A pregnant woman walked by with a tank top on and I couldn't stop staring at her belly. I asked Dad if that was how big I was and he said that it was. It seems like so long ago....it is hard to believe that I was ever that big. I miss having you inside of me, I miss rubbing my belly, I miss feeling your kicks...what I would give just to feel you kick me again, just to hold you one more time.

I know I carry you around in my heart, I know that you are always with me and I know that you are an angel. But I didn't want an angel baby, I wanted a baby that I could raise, that I could teach, that I could just love more than anything. I do love you more than anything, but I can't hug you, I can't kiss you, I can't brush your hair, I can't kiss your cuts all better, I can't show you off to other people, I can't read you stories at night, I can't sing you lullabies, I can't watch you make a funny face when you try a certain food for the first time and don't like it, I'll never hear your sweet little voice and I'll never see your eyes light up when I walk in the room.

I am so proud of you baby. I was so proud of you at every ultrasound when the technicians said how much you were moving around, so much that it made it hard for them to get your measurements. It was ridiculous how proud I was of you. I watched you on the screen and saw you flipping from side to side, opening your mouth, stretching your neck, moving your arms and legs all around. I also remember staring at your arms and legs when I was holding you. They were so still. I couldn't believe that you had died, you had such a strong heartbeat and you moved around so much. How could you have been so healthy and then just died? I need an answer, but I'll never get one. Will I ever be at peace with that?

There are alot of songs that I've heard other babyloss mom's talk about, but I just couldn't make myself listen to them yet. When I was pregnant and emotional, every time the song "Wavin' Flag" came on the radio, I would start to cry because it made me think of all the injustice in the world and of all the suffering children. Your Dad and I would laugh at how I cried every time I heard it, it would start just by hearing the first few notes of the music. I just can't listen to that song now, it reminds me so much of when I was pregnant and so happy.

Tonight I listened to "I Will Carry You" by Selah. I read the book about the little girl that the song was written about, so I'd been meaning to find it. It is a beautiful song and I've been crying ever since I listened to it 2 hours ago.

I just hate that babies die, I hate that there is so much pain in the world and so many Mommy's, Daddy's, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends are missing babies that died way too soon. That there are so many empty cribs,  broken hearts and lost dreams in the world.

I hate that we don't have you anymore. I hate that time is passing and each day takes me further away from the last time I held you and kissed you. I don't want to move further away from that time. I know that time makes the pain of losing you a little easier to bear most days, but I am still so devastated. I dreamed of you for so long and we wanted you so badly.

I love you so much.

Mom