Back to square one

I am almost at the end of the 2ww and I should know in the next few days whether or not I am pregnant. I'll be so incredibly disappointed if I'm not. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, I was pretty disappointed as each month went by and AF showed up. But that disappointment is nothing compared to what it will be this time.

I bought some pregnancy tests the other day but I haven't used any of them yet. I'm scared to. I still cry everyday for Jacob, but I will just be adding to the grief and uncertainty about the future if I find out I'm not pregnant this month. I have this goal of being pregnant before Jacob's due date in October. I know his due date will be incredibly hard whether I am pregnant or not, but at least I will have a new pregnancy to give me hope, a new baby to think about and be excited about. I know I will also be worried the whole time and I won't relax until I have a breathing, healthy baby in my arms.

Childbirth used to seem a little scary to me. Now it isn't as scary, I guess since I've been through it (even though Jacob wasn't full-term). I know I was fortunate that his birth was a relatively easy one, especially since he was breech and that could have caused a bunch of other problems. What is scary now is being pregnant...will I get past the first trimester? Will I get past the second trimester this time? Will the baby be healthy? Will the baby live?

I hate that I am back to taking my temperature every morning, that I obsess if it goes down even a tiny bit. I keep comparing my temperature to what it was when I got pregnant with Jacob and it is close so far, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

I get little symptoms here and there. If I feel a wave of nausea (which always goes away quickly), I wonder. If something smells stronger than it usually does, I wonder. One of the first signs that I was pregnant with Jacob was that I couldn’t stand the smell of bananas. I'm really trying to tell myself that I'm not pregnant and that it's not the end of the world if I'm not, but I’m still hopeful. I tell myself that it might even be better if I’m not because it gives my body that much more time to get ready for a pregnancy. And besides it just taking time to get pregnant in general, it might take a little longer because of my age and because of the damage to my right fallopian tube. If only I could know when I would get pregnant, then I could relax a little......

I hate being back to square one in the pregnancy game. I hate even more that I should be 30 weeks pregnant today with Jacob and all I have are a few items, some pictures, my memories and my tears.