Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Breaking Point

My baby dying has made my threshold for stress lower than it was before and I have been feeling a lot of stress lately. I have been dealing with it – it is the usual stress that comes with moving, finances, my baby dying, my dreams for the future being dashed….you know, the usual. But it has been getting worse lately and at times today I have felt like I have come to a breaking point. When I started bleeding last Friday, 9 days after AF finished, it got worse. I have no idea why I am bleeding and I feel like it has ruined any chance of getting pregnant this month. That leaves me only one more month to try before Jacob’s due date in October. My hope is getting smaller and smaller that it will happen. I called my OB’s office yesterday and explained what was happening to the nurse. She talked to my OB, who has ordered an HCG blood test, which I will do today.

Then, late last night, I discovered a lump in my breast. I really don’t need this right now (or ever), on top of everything else. This isn’t the first one I’ve found one, but it is a new one and it scares me. It feels different than the others. My mind started running wild. What if it is cancer? What if I die? What if my husband loses his baby and his wife? He will be in the new house all alone. I can’t stand that thought. If I don't die, but it is cancer, I will have to go through all kinds of treatment and surgery AND I won't be able to get pregnant until that is all done, which would be a few years. And I would have to retrieve some eggs before that and store them so that they don't get damaged by the treatments. I was so anxious this morning. I cried, I felt more depressed than usual. I felt like I was reaching the breaking point. Last night when I got home, there was a card from a wonderful, dear friend (thanks Allison!). I have read and re-read that card so many times today. It helps me feel a little less stressed every time I read it. I have had encouraging words from the people that I have told about this latest development. People keep assuring me that it is probably nothing. I know that it probably is nothing, but what if it isn’t? It still makes me feel better to hear that though. I told Ted and he didn’t act worried at all, which makes me feel better.

I called my family doctor’s office. He isn’t there, but I said that I would see anyone, so I am going in today at 3:20. I hope that the doctor I see orders an ultrasound or something. I’m also going to ask if any autopsy reports came in after July 13th and ask for copies of those.

I don’t feel as panicky now as I did this morning. My heart is still pounding a little harder than usual though. I’ve been talking to Jacob more than usual since finding the lump, asking him to help me. I just lay in bed holding his blanket, crying and talking to him.

It doesn’t help that today is a Tuesday either.

13 comments:

Julie said...

oh, sweetie. i can't finish reading this right now or i will be late for a meeting. i'm going to come back later and finish reading, but i wanted to tell you you are not alone! i'm saying a prayer for you as i type this. i hope you hear back from your dr's office soon.

hugs!

Poor Lucky Me said...

Now that I've been through a tragedy, I can't stand it when people say "it's probably nothing" or "I'm sure it'll be ok". So I'll say to you what I would want to hear:
You and your husband have been through such terrible pain and heartache and you are surviving. You are breathing and functioning, even if you feel like a part of you is gone forever. You have an angel looking after you now, let him give you love and strength. Let your fears and stresses pass through you.

I'll tell my angel to look after you too. And I'll worry for you, so you can take a little time off of worrying.

xo

Lara + Chris said...

I'm so very sorry. I hope beyond hope that everything is okay. I know when you've been on the losing side of statistics they mean nothing anymore. I hope your week gets better and that you get good news.

Elaine said...

Dana, I am so sorry you are going through this. It really does pour when it rains. It's not bad enough we have to deal with having a dead child but we then have to conquer a hundred other things life throws at us. I know it doesn't help to hear it but the lump is likely nothing to worry about. I hope the doctor can reassure you quickly and take at least that off of your mind.
It is an odd request for us mothers to be the ones asking our sons for guidance but I do believe they are there for us. And they are watching over us sending us their love.
Some days are tougher than others, especially Tuesdays. I'm feeling the physical effects today.
Will be thinking of you today and hoping all goes well at the drs. xoxo

Lucid Anne said...

Oh Dana. I will be praying HARD for you love. <3

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry about all this. It's pouring, I know. Thinking and praying for you tons today (as I go out to mow the grass. :)
Sending tons of love your way today and everyday!
Carrie

Michelle said...

Dana, sorry you are going through this...I will pray for you (((HUGS)))

Julie said...

so i think you should be at the dr's right now, and i hope they'll give you good news that you can worry not so much.

Angela said...

Oh, mama. Reading through this and got chills up and down my arms. Losing our babies is so hard, it really should be the last bad thing that happens to us. As a recent visitor to the land of the dark I know how nasty a place it is to visit. Thinking of you today as you deal with this doctor's appointment. Praying so hard for you.

Drew's Parents said...

I have been thinking about you all day and hoping and praying that you received good news at the doctor. I want to reach out and hug you so badly right now. I love you! xoxoxo

Melissa said...

Thinking about you and praying for you to find the strength to get through this.

Rhiannon said...

Thinking about you and praying for you Dana! You have been through the ringer already...I know that you need some good news at this point and I really, really hope that it comes! Hugs!!!

Jennifer said...

I pray that you'll get through this. Please remember we are here for you. Sending you love and peace of mind. *HUGS*