My baby dying has made my threshold for stress lower than it was before and I have been feeling a lot of stress lately. I have been dealing with it – it is the usual stress that comes with moving, finances, my baby dying, my dreams for the future being dashed….you know, the usual. But it has been getting worse lately and at times today I have felt like I have come to a breaking point. When I started bleeding last Friday, 9 days after AF finished, it got worse. I have no idea why I am bleeding and I feel like it has ruined any chance of getting pregnant this month. That leaves me only one more month to try before Jacob’s due date in October. My hope is getting smaller and smaller that it will happen. I called my OB’s office yesterday and explained what was happening to the nurse. She talked to my OB, who has ordered an HCG blood test, which I will do today.
Then, late last night, I discovered a lump in my breast. I really don’t need this right now (or ever), on top of everything else. This isn’t the first one I’ve found one, but it is a new one and it scares me. It feels different than the others. My mind started running wild. What if it is cancer? What if I die? What if my husband loses his baby and his wife? He will be in the new house all alone. I can’t stand that thought. If I don't die, but it is cancer, I will have to go through all kinds of treatment and surgery AND I won't be able to get pregnant until that is all done, which would be a few years. And I would have to retrieve some eggs before that and store them so that they don't get damaged by the treatments. I was so anxious this morning. I cried, I felt more depressed than usual. I felt like I was reaching the breaking point. Last night when I got home, there was a card from a wonderful, dear friend (thanks Allison!). I have read and re-read that card so many times today. It helps me feel a little less stressed every time I read it. I have had encouraging words from the people that I have told about this latest development. People keep assuring me that it is probably nothing. I know that it probably is nothing, but what if it isn’t? It still makes me feel better to hear that though. I told Ted and he didn’t act worried at all, which makes me feel better.
I called my family doctor’s office. He isn’t there, but I said that I would see anyone, so I am going in today at 3:20. I hope that the doctor I see orders an ultrasound or something. I’m also going to ask if any autopsy reports came in after July 13th and ask for copies of those.
I don’t feel as panicky now as I did this morning. My heart is still pounding a little harder than usual though. I’ve been talking to Jacob more than usual since finding the lump, asking him to help me. I just lay in bed holding his blanket, crying and talking to him.
It doesn’t help that today is a Tuesday either.