Update

Things went about as well as I could have hoped for yesterday. The doctor I saw (not my regular family doctor, but I wouldn’t mind seeing him again in the future) felt the lump and said that it feels like a cyst. He has ordered a mammogram, an ultrasound and a needle biopsy just to be sure….all of the tests that I want to have done. I’m having the mammogram and ultrasound on August 31st and I call the surgeon I’ve been referred to tomorrow to make an appointment. I could have had the mammogram and ultrasound done today, but it was at the same time that we are meeting with the lawyer to close on the condo and the house. I don’t think a week will make much difference if it is bad anyway.

I felt so fragile all day yesterday, and several times today. On the GO train on the way to Oakville, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I just stared out the window thinking of Jacob. Remembering the other time I took the train there to see my OB for my 16 week appointment, the first and last time I heard his heartbeat. It was the most wonderful sound. What I would give to hear it again, to have him with me again……

I got to the doctor’s office early because of the train schedule so I went to do the blood work my OB ordered first. There were only 2 people waiting when I got there and I got called back right away. Of course, who is standing behind the desk where I hand over the requisition? A pregnant woman who is about 7.5 months pregnant. A punch in my stomach would have hurt less. I was really hoping that she wasn’t the one who would take my blood and she wasn’t. I wondered if the person taking my blood would try to make small talk about my being tested for the HCG hormone and what I would say….I imagined it would go something like this:

Tech: So, you might be pregnant? Isn’t that exciting!

Me: Maybe, but if I am, I’m probably having a miscarriage. It could also be leftover tissue from when my baby was stillborn 2.5 months ago.

Tech: Stunned silence or a muttered ”I’m sorry”

If the pregnant lab tech had taken my blood, I wouldn’t have told her about Jacob. How could I tell a pregnant woman that my baby died while I was pregnant. It wouldn’t be fair.

After the tech left and I was applying pressure to my arm, I started crying. I had a few tears come down my cheeks, but I managed to stop them before she came back. As I was leaving, there was a new pregnant woman waiting to be seen, laughing with a friend. I got out of there so fast and burst into tears as soon as the door shut behind me.

While I was waiting for the train to come to go back to Toronto, there was a mother and 2 little boys waiting near me….about 3 and 5 years old. I just watched those boys for awhile, wondering if I would ever take my small children on the train and to the CNE. Will I ever hold my child’s hand? I wondered if that mother has ever lost a child or was she lucky and had 2 kids and no problems having those kids.

Once I was back on the subway, my eyes kept welling up with tears. I ended up putting on my sunglasses to hide it.

When I got home, I found a beautiful card from Carrie which brightened my day (thanks Carrie, I love it!). I started working, cleaning out the fridge and freezer, moving-related stuff. Ted got home and we talked about everything that happened at the doctor’s again (I called him right after the appointment). He said how relieved he was and that the thought of losing me really put our other worries about moving and finances and setting everything up into perspective. He is right, it did. He acted like he wasn’t worried about the lump when I first told him, which is what I needed at the time, but last night he admitted that he had been pretty worried.

Then I talked to a wonderful friend on the phone and actually laughed a lot with her. She can always make me feel better, but I was surprised how much I laughed, given how terrible I had been feeling.

Yesterday was really, really tough….the worst day that I have had in a few weeks. The tears were right below the surface the whole time. If I was still pregnant, I would have had an appointment yesterday morning to see my OB for a regular checkup. Instead I was having a blood test done to figure out why the heck I am still bleeding and getting tests ordered for a lump.

I want to thank everyone who left me a comment yesterday, sent me a note or called me. Every single one of you has helped me so much. Each time a new comment was left, I felt a little bit better. I can’t even begin to express how all of my BLM friends have helped. Knowing that so many people, who have been through their own horrible tragedies, were thinking about me definitely helped get me through the day.

Thank you all so much!