That title should only be about getting the keys to our new house tomorrow.
Tomorrow I find out if I’m pregnant or not and I am getting more anxious as the day goes on. I know sleeping won’t be easy tonight.
I don’t think I am pregnant. At least, that is what I tell myself so that the disappointment tomorrow won’t be so great. It will be though, I don’t think there is anyway that I can protect myself from it. I felt nauseous on and off over the weekend, I felt a little bit of heartburn and I fell asleep on the couch at night. I haven’t had heartburn since I was pregnant with Jacob and it is so rare for me to fall asleep on the couch. I did it almost every night when I was pregnant though.
I’ve taken 4 pregnancy tests at home and they have all been negative. I hate having to wait to find out what my latest blood tests says. If it turns out I’m not pregnant, then I have to figure out why I had the strange bleeding and the hCG came back positive.
At least all this is distracting me a little from the lump I have and the upcoming mammogram and ultrasound I’m supposed to have tomorrow (of course, no mammogram if I am pregnant).
I also got some big news on Saturday. I am very happy about it, but also apprehensive. My sister is 5 weeks pregnant. A few weeks ago, maybe a month, she asked how I felt about them trying again. I said that she should go ahead, that she shouldn’t put her life on hold because of what happened to me. She knew for a few days before telling. She was understandably worried about telling me, but I started to ask about when she was ovulating and she didn’t want to lie to me, so it came out. My first reaction was to say congratulations and hug her. I felt genuine happiness for her. I still do. But as time passed on Saturday, the thought of seeing her belly grow while mine stays the same really started to weigh heavily on me. I know that if I’m not pregnant now, I could be soon. But what if I can’t even get pregnant before this baby is born at the end of April (I’m trying to be positive about her pregnancy and not say “if” the baby is born at the end of April. I have to remind myself to talk this way around everyone. Not if. When.) I should have a 6 month old baby boy in April. Laurie has also offered to be a surrogate for me, should it come to that. She has been offering this for years, ever since we were teenagers and I had the cyst on my fallopian tube and we were wondering if my ovary could be saved (it was). She has brought it up several times lately too, which I think is so sweet and kind of her.
Laurie and I went to the local splash pad on Saturday morning with Ben and we took turns watching him. When she was watching him, I sat by the side and saw all of these little boys, from about 1.5-4 years old, running around in the water. The 1.5 year old boy got to me in particular. Watching his awkward steps, watching his Mom hold his hand. Then I noticed that 2 of the boys were named Jacob. That did it. I sat there crying and crying, complete with chest heaves and all. I had my sunglasses on and I was trying to control it so that no one would notice. Laurie did though and she came over and asked if I was crying. I said yes and she hugged me and said it would happen for me soon. I asked how she could tell I was crying and she said my lips were really red.
There was also a woman there who was about 7 months pregnant. If Jacob hadn’t died, I would have been at the park with them that day, bigger than she was. Maybe we would have started talking about our pregnancies, who our OB was. All that.
I went to the garden after to visit Jacob. This was the first time that I have been there alone and I’ve wanted to do that for awhile. I just stood there and cried and talked to him a lot. I sat on the ground near the garden for awhile and I walked around it several times. I got the leftover bubbles from the wedding last weekend (which I still have to write about) and blew them over the garden, imagining him running around trying to catch the bubbles. One of the millions of things he will never get to do.
We had the walkthrough at our new house on Friday. It was fine. The last time I was there, I was still pregnant. There is a picture of me walking up the stairs the second time that we saw the house. I look happy in the picture. Hopeful. Not a trace of sadness. Now there is sometimes a trace of happiness in my eyes, but it is mostly sadness.
I got to talking with our real estate agent while we were there. I spent more time talking to her than I did walking around the house. When Jacob died, she sent an email saying how sorry she was and that she had lost a baby too. It turns out that she lost Amie at 4 months and had a D&C. When I said that I gave birth to Jacob and we held him, a look of horror crossed over her face. We talked a lot about it and she said some intuitive things, like it is good we didn’t lose him in our new house so we don’t have that association, but it must be hard since we bought the house because he was coming. She also told a cute story. She had another daughter after losing Amie. This one’s name is Charlie. When anyone asks Charlie how many siblings she has, she always says she has a brother and 2 sisters and she either says that her sister Amie is dead or is in heaven. Our agent often has people come up and give her their sympathies and express amazement at how cheerful she is, since Charlie makes it sound like she lost Amie recently (it happened 15 years ago). I think it is really cute how Charlie has just made Amie such a big part of her life. A sister that she never even met, but is still important to her.
Sunday was easier than Saturday. Today isn’t so bad either (so far). I am nervous about tomorrow though.