Monday, August 30, 2010

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for

That title should only be about getting the keys to our new house tomorrow.

Tomorrow I find out if I’m pregnant or not and I am getting more anxious as the day goes on. I know sleeping won’t be easy tonight.

I don’t think I am pregnant. At least, that is what I tell myself so that the disappointment tomorrow won’t be so great. It will be though, I don’t think there is anyway that I can protect myself from it. I felt nauseous on and off over the weekend, I felt a little bit of heartburn and I fell asleep on the couch at night. I haven’t had heartburn since I was pregnant with Jacob and it is so rare for me to fall asleep on the couch. I did it almost every night when I was pregnant though.

I’ve taken 4 pregnancy tests at home and they have all been negative. I hate having to wait to find out what my latest blood tests says. If it turns out I’m not pregnant, then I have to figure out why I had the strange bleeding and the hCG came back positive.

At least all this is distracting me a little from the lump I have and the upcoming mammogram and ultrasound I’m supposed to have tomorrow (of course, no mammogram if I am pregnant).

I also got some big news on Saturday. I am very happy about it, but also apprehensive. My sister is 5 weeks pregnant. A few weeks ago, maybe a month, she asked how I felt about them trying again. I said that she should go ahead, that she shouldn’t put her life on hold because of what happened to me. She knew for a few days before telling. She was understandably worried about telling me, but I started to ask about when she was ovulating and she didn’t want to lie to me, so it came out. My first reaction was to say congratulations and hug her. I felt genuine happiness for her. I still do. But as time passed on Saturday, the thought of seeing her belly grow while mine stays the same really started to weigh heavily on me. I know that if I’m not pregnant now, I could be soon. But what if I can’t even get pregnant before this baby is born at the end of April (I’m trying to be positive about her pregnancy and not say “if” the baby is born at the end of April. I have to remind myself to talk this way around everyone. Not if. When.) I should have a 6 month old baby boy in April. Laurie has also offered to be a surrogate for me, should it come to that. She has been offering this for years, ever since we were teenagers and I had the cyst on my fallopian tube and we were wondering if my ovary could be saved (it was). She has brought it up several times lately too, which I think is so sweet and kind of her.

Laurie and I went to the local splash pad on Saturday morning with Ben and we took turns watching him. When she was watching him, I sat by the side and saw all of these little boys, from about 1.5-4 years old, running around in the water. The 1.5 year old boy got to me in particular. Watching his awkward steps, watching his Mom hold his hand. Then I noticed that 2 of the boys were named Jacob. That did it. I sat there crying and crying, complete with chest heaves and all. I had my sunglasses on and I was trying to control it so that no one would notice. Laurie did though and she came over and asked if I was crying. I said yes and she hugged me and said it would happen for me soon. I asked how she could tell I was crying and she said my lips were really red.

There was also a woman there who was about 7 months pregnant. If Jacob hadn’t died, I would have been at the park with them that day, bigger than she was. Maybe we would have started talking about our pregnancies, who our OB was. All that.

I went to the garden after to visit Jacob. This was the first time that I have been there alone and I’ve wanted to do that for awhile. I just stood there and cried and talked to him a lot. I sat on the ground near the garden for awhile and I walked around it several times. I got the leftover bubbles from the wedding last weekend (which I still have to write about) and blew them over the garden, imagining him running around trying to catch the bubbles. One of the millions of things he will never get to do.

We had the walkthrough at our new house on Friday. It was fine. The last time I was there, I was still pregnant. There is a picture of me walking up the stairs the second time that we saw the house. I look happy in the picture. Hopeful. Not a trace of sadness. Now there is sometimes a trace of happiness in my eyes, but it is mostly sadness.

I got to talking with our real estate agent while we were there. I spent more time talking to her than I did walking around the house. When Jacob died, she sent an email saying how sorry she was and that she had lost a baby too. It turns out that she lost Amie at 4 months and had a D&C. When I said that I gave birth to Jacob and we held him, a look of horror crossed over her face. We talked a lot about it and she said some intuitive things, like it is good we didn’t lose him in our new house so we don’t have that association, but it must be hard since we bought the house because he was coming. She also told a cute story. She had another daughter after losing Amie. This one’s name is Charlie. When anyone asks Charlie how many siblings she has, she always says she has a brother and 2 sisters and she either says that her sister Amie is dead or is in heaven. Our agent often has people come up and give her their sympathies and express amazement at how cheerful she is, since Charlie makes it sound like she lost Amie recently (it happened 15 years ago). I think it is really cute how Charlie has just made Amie such a big part of her life. A sister that she never even met, but is still important to her.

Sunday was easier than Saturday. Today isn’t so bad either (so far). I am nervous about tomorrow though.


Julie said...

i SO understand about it being so hard to see little ones right now, and to hear about others' pregnancies. i have been feeling especially down about this stuff the last few days, today especially. know that i am thinking about you, and what a big day tomorrow will be, for so many reasons. i will also be thinking about jacob on wednesday.

car said...

I hope all the test results come back the way you want them to and you can at least enjoy part of the experience of moving into your new house.

Rhiannon said...

I have been thinking about you and your big day tomorrow, all weekend. I know you have a lot on your mind right now with tomorrow and Jacob's 3 month angelversary on wednesday, I hope that you are able to get some much needed rest tonight. I think that is so sweet of your sister to offer to be your surrogate, what a true testament of sisterly love. You are lucky to have her for your sister. I am the same way when I see children and when I talk to people who are pregnant. I have to make myself say "when" not "if". Know that I am thinking about you and sending prayers your way.

Drew's Parents said...

I am always amazed by your strength. I know we just have to keep going...what choice do we have? You have been thrown hit after hit this past week, yet your love and kindness always shines through. I want you to hear good news so badly tomorrow. <3 <3 <3

Mandi B. (WTE July 2010) said...

I don't know you personally, but I found your blog and read it all. I wanted to make sure I caught up before I posted anything. I weapt when I read this. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what it feels like. I just wanted you to know that there's someone else out there who has you, your husband, and Jacob in their thoughts and prayers.

Elaine said...

I know that feeling, the ouch and the excitement all at once at learning someone you love is being blessed with a baby. I also know that pessimistic voice that says "if." "If" the baby lives. "If" the baby is born. It's completely normal to have that reaction and I'm so glad you are able to be there for your sister as hard as it is. I look at my nephew completely different now. I love him just a little more than I already did because he is the boy in my life that I got to watch grow.
It will be hard for you to live in the new house and imagine all of the things that you would be doing at this time. It is a fresh start for you and hubby. Maybe it would help if you still made a space in the house that's Jacob's? That way when the house is filled with his siblings and all of their stuff you will have a place set aside that is Jacob's and the whole family will know he is always there.
I really hope you're pregnant and healthy. I hope all of the tests go well tomorrow. Tuesdays could use some good news!!


Melissa said...

I will be thinking about you tomorrow and I hope everything turns out well. Sending you lots of hugs!

Angela said...

You've been on my mind. I know you have so much going on right now and I want you to know you're not alone. I think of you, and Jacob, often.

My sister-in-law is pregnant, about 10 weeks, so I know how you feel. You want to be happy for your sister, but it's so hard without Jacob in your arms.

I'm glad you were able to spend some time with Jacob at the garden.

I hope moving into the new house goes well and I am anxious to hear what happens tomorrow.

Love you lots. Praying for you.