If I thought my feelings were all over the place before, they really are now.
When I got home from work on Wednesday night, there was a message from the nurse at my OB’s office. She said, with some surprise in her voice, that the blood test I did on Tuesday for HCG came back positive and my doctor wants me to do another blood test.
Ted and I couldn’t believe it when I listened to the message. We listened to it again, and then I listened to it several more times. We are excited, but we are scared to be excited. We are hopeful, but we are scared to be hopeful. I am scared of the let down if I find out that I’m not pregnant or if I am having a miscarriage. I did 2 HPT’s on Wednesday night and they were both negative.
Yesterday I drove to my OB's office to get the requisition. It was horrible being there again. My heart was pounding the whole time. The last time I was there was for my 6 week postpartum appointment. The room was full of pregnant women, I felt like I was in a minefield and didn't know what the next second would bring or how long I could last there.
I saw a pregnant woman park near me and I followed her up to my doctor’s office….at a safe distance so that I couldn’t see her on the stairs. She was about 5.5 months along. My belly was just slightly smaller when I lost Jacob. We were both waiting to give our names, but the nurse was on the phone so I walked out of the office and stood in the hall. I didn’t think that I would be able to control the tears, which had been coming on the drive there, if I kept standing there. When she stopped talking, I went in and waited, but another patient came out of the exam room and she started talking to the nurse. My doctor came out too and just seeing her face made me flashback to lying on the exam table, watching her face for any signs of hope when she was trying to find Jacob's heartbeat. I finally got to talk to the nurse and told her I was there to pick up the requisition. I already knew what they were looking for, but I wanted to ask to make sure I was right. So I confirmed that if the HCG level is up, then I am indeed pregnant. If it has stayed the same or has gone down, I’m having a miscarriage or there was tissue left from the birth that is just now, almost 3 months later, making itself known. I asked what the next step is if the level hasn’t gone up and she said that we’d have to wait and see. I assume it will be an ultrasound and maybe a D&C. I’m not having any significant pain, just a little achiness in my abdomen now and then. Wouldn’t a miscarriage hurt more? But if I am pregnant, how can I be bleeding this much this early on during pregnancy, and still be pregnant? I also had a normal AF from Aug 6-11 and as far as I know, I didn't ovulate before the second round of bleeding started, so I would had to have gotten pregnant in July. I know some women bleed during pregnancy, and that gives me some hope.
They won’t have the results of the bloodwork until Tuesday. I explained that I am supposed to have a mammogram on Tuesday because I also have a lump and I don’t want a mammogram if I am pregnant. So she said to call her Tuesday morning to get the results. I guess I’ll call the mammogram place today and tell them the situation so they don’t charge me for canceling an appointment the day of. I am also frustrated that the results will be available on Monday, but my doctor’s office is closed on Monday, so they can’t tell me what they are until Tuesday. They will just be sitting there and I won’t be able to get to them.
I did alot of crying yesterday. ALOT. And now I am tired. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I am happy that there is a chance I’m pregnant, very happy. I just hope it is true and that this whole nightmare doesn't get worse by needing a D&C.
I didn't sleep well last night....I kept waking up with my heart racing. Tuesday seems so far away.