Friday, March 25, 2011

More than half missing

I am sad today. That is nothing new, but it seems worse today than usual. Maybe it was the 4-month pregnant woman I sat beside on the GO train. Even though I couldn’t see much through her winter coat, I still know that she is pregnant. I thought I was OK at the time. I hoped that her baby wouldn’t die.


I stayed home from work yesterday because I have a cold. I rarely take a sick day, so I decided that I shouldn’t push myself to go in and they probably wouldn’t want me at work anyway, spreading my germs. I spent several hours writing blog posts on things I remember from March and April 2010 when I was pregnant. I got 2 pictures at the first ultrasound I had with Jacob, when the IPS screening was done. I have 2 copies of one picture (because I called them when he died and asked for a copy of all the pictures they took, but they only gave me one) and I can’t find the other one. I searched everywhere that his belongings are. Then I cried and cried and felt like a terrible mother. I apologized to him many times. I took a picture of the ultrasound picture months and months ago, but it isn’t that great. I do have CD's of the 2 ultrasounds I had in May, so I have alot of u/s pictures, but losing even one is too much. I also can’t find the necklace that my Mom gave me after he died and that really bothers me too. I have been searching for months for it. I think they both got misplaced when I moved, but I was so careful with his things. Ted reminds me that I’m only human and it is expected that I will lose something. That’s true, of course, but I can’t accept that I would lose something belonging to my baby. I’m sure the ultrasound picture and the necklace are in the house somewhere, probably in an obvious spot. I just wish I knew where.

Ted has been sad the past few nights too. As he was making dinner on Wednesday, I was sitting in the kitchen with him and he was trying to figure out why he felt so sad and restless. We talked about it and I said that it is a feeling of turmoil and dissatisfaction, which he agreed with. I feel like that almost all the time and I have given it a lot of thought. I know what it is, of course -  all because our babies died.

Before Jacob was conceived, we were a family of 2 and we were happy. Then I got pregnant and we became a family of 3. Then he died and we became a family of 3 minus 1. Then August and Cub died. Now we are a family of 5 minus 3. How can someone feel complete when more than half of their family is missing?

March 27, - I found the other ultrasound picture! Now I just need that necklace.

9 comments:

Becky said...

Oh I am so sorry you are having such a bad day. I really hope you find the necklace and the other u/s picture. I would be really upset if I lost or misplaced any of my things from Liam. My husband and I are a family of 3 minus 1 and I feel so incomplete as a family also although I feel horrible that you have 3 losses. I pray for better days ahead and hope one day your family will be at least a little more complete

Elaine said...

I dread losing something of Blaine's too, even things that just remind me of him but aren't really his. I have to keep everything like I would have kept all of the memories of his childhood. I have actually strategically distributed copies of his footprints. I figure it I put them in different places (like my mom's, my wallet, work, home) then I'm not likely to lose all of them.
I hope you and Ted have better days ahead of you. You both deserve so much happiness after the 2010 year of hell.

Michele said...

((hugs))

ccc said...

I am not sure if you are religious, but St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost items. Whenever we cannot find something and we have looked hard and still cannot find it, we ask St. Anthony to pray for us to find it. Nine out of ten times it shows up. I really hope you find them.

Missy said...

I identify with this day. I wish I knew why or could at least understand why our families are missing members. I hope your missing items return and that tomorrow is a better day. All my love to you mama~

Laura said...

I hope your weekend goes better than your week did. Maybe it's the changing of the season...it seems everyone's having a bad week. I've been fighting with a cold for the week and my husband also had a sad week. (He said he's had the song Tears in Heaven stuck in his head for 4 days).
Sending thoughts and love to you today...

Violet1122 said...

I've missed reading your blog and knowing how you are doing. I'm sorry you are sick and feeling so sad.

I can imagine how frantic and upset you are about the necklace and picture. I am sure they will turn up at some point - and I hope it is soon!

I am sad knowing how you feel about most of your family "missing". Even now that I have a baby here on earth with me - I still feel that way sometimes. But I remember how much worse the feeling was before my son got here safe and sound. No one should ever have to feel that way.

I'm praying for you and Ted - I hope some joy and a BFP come into your life soon!

Sending big hugs...

Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that you found the ultrasound picture! I hope the necklace comes up soon! My heart was aching as I read how you explained the emptiness to Ted. I had never thought about the losses comprising a majority of your family. I wish they weren't missing from your arms. It's so painfully unfair and cruel. Jacob, August, and Cub are so loved by their mommy and daddy. They will always be in your hearts, but I understand the feelings of loneliness make their physical absence unbearable at times. I am holding your hand and sharing big supportive hugs. My hopes and wishes are with you and Ted!

cullensblessings said...

my heart just breaks at this.....