I am sad today. That is nothing new, but it seems worse today than usual. Maybe it was the 4-month pregnant woman I sat beside on the GO train. Even though I couldn’t see much through her winter coat, I still know that she is pregnant. I thought I was OK at the time. I hoped that her baby wouldn’t die.
I stayed home from work yesterday because I have a cold. I rarely take a sick day, so I decided that I shouldn’t push myself to go in and they probably wouldn’t want me at work anyway, spreading my germs. I spent several hours writing blog posts on things I remember from March and April 2010 when I was pregnant. I got 2 pictures at the first ultrasound I had with Jacob, when the IPS screening was done. I have 2 copies of one picture (because I called them when he died and asked for a copy of all the pictures they took, but they only gave me one) and I can’t find the other one. I searched everywhere that his belongings are. Then I cried and cried and felt like a terrible mother. I apologized to him many times. I took a picture of the ultrasound picture months and months ago, but it isn’t that great. I do have CD's of the 2 ultrasounds I had in May, so I have alot of u/s pictures, but losing even one is too much. I also can’t find the necklace that my Mom gave me after he died and that really bothers me too. I have been searching for months for it. I think they both got misplaced when I moved, but I was so careful with his things. Ted reminds me that I’m only human and it is expected that I will lose something. That’s true, of course, but I can’t accept that I would lose something belonging to my baby. I’m sure the ultrasound picture and the necklace are in the house somewhere, probably in an obvious spot. I just wish I knew where.
Ted has been sad the past few nights too. As he was making dinner on Wednesday, I was sitting in the kitchen with him and he was trying to figure out why he felt so sad and restless. We talked about it and I said that it is a feeling of turmoil and dissatisfaction, which he agreed with. I feel like that almost all the time and I have given it a lot of thought. I know what it is, of course - all because our babies died.
Before Jacob was conceived, we were a family of 2 and we were happy. Then I got pregnant and we became a family of 3. Then he died and we became a family of 3 minus 1. Then August and Cub died. Now we are a family of 5 minus 3. How can someone feel complete when more than half of their family is missing?
March 27, - I found the other ultrasound picture! Now I just need that necklace.