Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A wonderful night

Last night I met Jackie, Oscar's Mom, for tea. It was a wonderful night. I felt so accepted. I could say anything and she knew how it felt. We had so much in common, right down to things that happened as teenagers, that happened at the same age, even starting in the same month. But the biggest thing we have in common is that we have both lost our son's.

I shared pictures of Jacob with Jackie a few weeks ago and she saw his beauty and told me that again last night. She showed me a picture of Oscar. He is such a beautiful, wonderful baby. My heart just broke looking at him. At what his life should have been like. Of what his Mom and Dad's and brother and sister's life should be like. I felt so honoured when Jackie showed his ashes to me. It was so hard to believe and accept that the beautiful baby in the picture was now ashes. Life is not fair. She told me some things that broke my heart. We all have those moments from our stories of when our baby was born.

We talked for about 3 hours in the coffee shop, only leaving when they started vacuuming around us. Then we walked towards the garden where Jacob is buried. I was so grateful that Jackie wanted to go there. We stayed for about 10 minutes. It was so peaceful and so nice to be there with another Mom who understands. I love all the comments Jackie made about the garden, about how she understands that I worry that he is cold there, that it is too dark, that he is lonely, that he feels abandoned. We talked sometimes, we stood there silently sometimes. There was no need for words. I told her about the butterfly that came on Jacob's 1 month anniversary. I said I can't believe that my baby is in the ground. She said she couldn't believe that her baby is in her pocket. We laughed in a sad, resigned way, as only baby loss Mom's can laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

In addition to the gift of understanding and acceptance that Jackie gave me, she gave me some gifts that I can look at as well. All very thoughtful. All of which will be cherished.

This lantern has each of my baby's names on it. I just love it. I can't wait to sit on the back patio on a summer night with a candle in the lantern in the center of the table.

A bandanna, from Jacob's

And a scarf. I saw my Jessie for lunch today and she recognized the scarf right away. Jessie and I went shopping a few weeks ago and she looked at this scarf and talked about me getting it. Then we got distracted and forgot to get it.

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I kept thinking of things we talked about, about how much more there is to say. I don't think a baby loss Mom can ever finish talking about their lost baby. I am so grateful to have people in my life to talk to. Once I did fall asleep, I slept well and woke up feeling a peace that is usually elusive.


Julie said...

i know what you mean. i can't believe my son is on my living room shelf. so glad you were able to spend some time with someone who gets it.

Anonymous said...

God bless BLMs and the comfort and friendship they share in that special way only they can. <3

Missy said...

I am so glad you were able to have this experience and hopefully there will be many more coffee dates in the future! I know what you mean about thinking about everything you said and all the other things you want to say. I too could talk forever. I love the lantern, it is beautiful! Love to you mama~

Elaine said...

I've met Jackie too, she's so sweet and caring. Unfortunately it was briefly at the dove release so we didn't get much time together. The lantern is so beautiful...I love it. It's funny, I always think of your Jacob when I walk past a Jacob store or see a shopping bag now too.

Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that you had such a lovely time with Jackie. <3 Her gifts were so thoughtful, and the lantern is beautiful. What a special and unique way to remember your babies. <3 <3 <3 I can see you and Ted sitting outside this summer with the lantern nearby. It is so wonderful that you were able to spend time with someone who so thoroughly understands! Thinking about you and your sweet little ones always!

Jennifer said...

What a wonderful meeting with another BLM. Glad you got connected with her, it's uplifting to have someone who understands, to listen and talk with about our lost babies. Her gifts to you are wonderful. Thinking of you and your little ones. <3