Tuesday, March 1, 2011

9 months

Today is 9 months since Jacob was born. I really, honestly have no idea how I am still alive and functioning. I couldn’t see a few days into the future for the longest time, the future was just an abstract concept, and suddenly it is 9 months. How was the 6 month anniversary 3 whole months ago? How is it that time can move so slowly but so quickly all at once?

I don’t have much to say today. The flashbacks started on the way to work and I just don't know how today will go.

I miss him, I ache for him. I miss what we had together while he was alive, I miss what we could have had together. Our relationship is far different than I ever thought my relationship would be to my child, but I am so grateful that he is mine….that we had him for as long as we did. It wasn’t long enough, but it was better than nothing.

I love you baby boy. Thinking of you always. I hope you are happy and comfortable where you are and you know how much you are loved and missed.

Update: Tonight we got pizza and drove to the garden. We sat in the car eating (because it was cold). Ted said that it is hard to believe that this happened to us. We got out of the car and stood by the garden for awhile, hugging and telling Jacob how much we love and miss him.

9 comments:

Michele said...

Sending you hugs and many warm thoughts.

We just past the 3 year mark for Nicholas and Sophia, and are approaching 2 and a third for Alexander, and I still cant believe it has been that long since I held them in my arms...

JenJen said...

Huge ((hugs)) to you today!

Lily will gone for 3 years in August but it feels like she just left yesterday...

Rhiannon said...

It is so hard to believe how long it has been since we last held our babes in our arms. I hope that today is as gentle on you as possible and that you can find some moments of peace. I am missing Jacob with you, I am sorry that he is not here. Lots of love to you!

Jennifer said...

Remembering Jacob with you and your husband. He is, indeed, forever loved and missed.

I'm feeling the same things and asking the same question: how could i have functioned in these past months? life is moving on but the sad fact remains, we are without our children. but i, like everyone else here, am with you as you are with me, with us. And knowing this is enough to give us courage to take this grief one day at a time for however long it takes. (((hugs)))

Melissa said...

Sending you lots of hugs! Thinking of you and Jacob today <3

Elaine said...

9 months was a tough milestone for me. You're a strong Mama for getting through these past nine months! It's such a disappointment knowing all of the things we're missing out with with our boys. It keeps me going thinking of Blaine and the life he has in Heaven waiting for me. Thinking of you my friend.

Missy said...

It's weird when you read something and you may have read it a hundred times, but it doesn't sink in until you are ready. You wrote "grateful that he is mine." Wow, those are some powerful words and they are just now ringing true to me. Thinking of you and your beautiful son. I'm glad you were able to have some peaceful moments with him and your husband. All my love ~

Olivia's Mom said...

I'm glad the night ended well, and that you were able to spend it with your little boy in the garden. It is amazing how time flies by, yet stands still all in the same thought. These months without our babies are so hard. I hope that this week is a peaceful one for you. Hugs!

Drew's Parents said...

I have been thinking a lot about what Ted said...It really is hard to understand that all of this has happened. As more time passes, our new realities seem more and more unreal in some ways. It's hard to explain but I definitely understand the feeling. No one ever expects to be a baby loss parent. Creating these new normals around loss hurts so badly. I hope on Jacob's 9 month angelversary you were able to feel him close and to find some comfort knowing that he will be with you always. <3 <3 <3