If they could see us.....

Today Ted and I were driving around running some errands. He told me that last night, he was thinking about Jacob alot. When he thinks about Jacob, he usually thinks of a baby who is a few months old, and what he would have looked like. He rarely thinks of what Jacob actually looked like when he was born because it is just too painful to relive it. But last night, he kept thinking about the day Jacob was born and what he looked like then. How muscular he looked, how he had my shoulders, and he remembered how much he hurt that day. How sad he felt. I said I was glad Jacob had something from me, since he had Ted's nose and lips and we said how grateful we were that Jacob's eyes were open when he was born. I only saw his left eye open, as his right eye closed while I was delivering the placenta. Ted said it was just open a little, like Jacob was squinting.

We talked about how much we miss him. Ted likes to fly kites and he said that he had planned on doing that with Jacob this summer. We talked about how Jacob would have been watching the kite in awe. He would have been 8-10 months old over the summer. We would have taken him to the park all the time. Now we visit him in the garden.

We talked about the next baby and how, if we are lucky enough to bring that baby home, we will stare at that baby's face trying to see a bit of Jacob in it. I warned him that I'll probably cry when I have the next baby. If the baby lives, I'll be crying tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Bringing a baby home would be amazing, but hearing a baby crying when he or she is born and nursing that baby and bringing that baby home and raising that baby will let us see exactly what we are missing out on with Jacob. I long for all of that though. I can't think of anything that would make me happier than feeling another baby kick me from inside, from delivering that baby and holding a living, breathing baby in my arms.

Ted also brought up the idea of being able to see him, just one day a year. What it would be like if we could see him every June 1st. He wouldn't be able to see us, but we could see him. We could see that he is happy and having fun and healthy. Then, one day a year, Jacob could see us. We wouldn't know what day it was. I imagined what Jacob would see. Would he see us feeling sad and crying and muddling through each day? Would he worry that he caused us so much pain and feel bad about that? Would he see us having fun and laughing and think that we didn't miss him at all? Or would he know that we were trying to make the best of life without him and not letting our lives stop because his did, but he could see that we are missing him every minute. Would he see how grateful we are that he came into our lives, even though he couldn't stay?

He would see the things we have up around the house with his name on it. He would see the necklace I always wear. He would see the tattoos we have.

I went to Laurie's house for a while and then we took Ben out to do some errands. Ben had some ladybugs drawn on his arms. I asked to see his pictures and then showed him mine....my tattoo. We talked about the butterfly and the baby feet and Laurie said that the word there is Jacob and told him that Jacob is his cousin.

We drove by the funeral home and I told Laurie that that was the place where Jacob was. Ben heard that and looked over at me and said "Jacob there?" I said that he had been there, but isn't anymore.

I sat in the back seat with Ben singing songs and thought of how I am a mother, but I don't know how to put a car seat in the car. I know how to pick up my baby's ashes from a funeral home and bury him instead.