Friday, February 25, 2011

Reliving the past

I feel like I am living in the past. Everyday I think of what I was doing last year at this time, missing that time…missing Jacob.

Maybe I feel the need to write about it because I didn’t write about it at the time. I even bought a journal just to write in about my pregnancy with Jacob, but I felt so nauseous when I bought it that I never started. When the nausea stopped, I still didn’t start writing. I kept thinking that I would start, that I still had lots of time, that I'd write more when I felt him move more. I did write a few things down in my regular journal at least (which I wrote in sporadically).

So now I am writing about the particularly memorable days. I hope everyone will bear with me while I relive the past.

A year ago today was a Thursday. I had been feeling really nauseous for about a week and a half at that point and threw up most evenings. I carried plastic bags with me everywhere in case I didn’t have time to get to a bathroom. My temperature was also a lot higher and I could only keep my winter coat on if I was actually outside in the cold. If I was inside, or on the subway, I had to take it off or the nausea was worse and I felt like I would faint.

I had 2 events at work in the evening of February 25, 2010 - the Ontario Liberal Heritage Dinner and the New Pioneer’s Awards. Both were within walking distance of each other. I had to go to the Liberal Heritage Dinner drop off tickets for the people we had invited to sit at our company table, then I went to attend the other one. I remember walking to the Heritage Dinner in the Skywalk and feeling hot and sick and sweaty. I dropped off the tickets and walked to a nearby hotel for the New Pioneer Awards.

I was worried about staying out at night because I thought I might have to throw up in the middle of the dinner. We went into the reception and I took some fruit punch (which I double checked didn’t have any alcohol) and something amazing happened. When I took a sip of the drink, the nausea went away for a few minutes. It was just wonderful. I could stand and have a conversation and not be fighting the nausea the whole time. I drank at least 2 glasses of punch during the reception and got another to take with me to the dinner. Our table was right at the front of the room near the stage…and very far away from the doors out. When we sat down, I looked around and figure out the easiest, most inconspicuous way to leave in a hurry if I needed to. But sipping on the punch now and then throughout the dinner kept the nausea under control and I made it through the night without throwing up.

I was sitting next to a woman who had come to Canada from Russia and we got to talking about her life, her kids, etc. No one at work knew I was pregnant yet so I didn’t tell her either (since there were colleagues at the table), but I felt special knowing that I would be a Mom too.

I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant with Jacob a year ago today.

I cried last night, alot. I thought I had it under control and then it would get bad again. When I came to bed, Ted saw me and knew that I had been crying right away. Sometimes I try to hide it from him so he doesn’t worry. He has been showing his sadness and grief to me more lately and it breaks my heart, but I'm also glad that he isn't dealing with it alone, always trying to be strong.


Jennifer said...

It's amazing how we remember all those little moments - the happiness, the love, the experiences, the expectations of a new life. I believe it's a gift, a legacy that our children left behind for us.

You know, I tried writing down my pregnancy thoughts in a journal, too. I got that Belly Book from Amazon but I didn't write on it diligently. There were a couple of entries where I wrote letters to Kai. Now I'm thinking maybe I should have written more or wrote down memories of my time with him so I can recall details. I know some would be painful to remember but they will remind me to live life in moments. (btw, I love this comment you wrote on Priscilla's blog entry.)

Thinking of you and Ted and praying for strength for the both of you. (((hugs)))

Rhiannon said...

I do the same thing, live in the past at times. Things were just so much different then. It is heartbreaking to think of how naive and hopeful we were.

I had a journal for Harper, too and I only wrote in it a few times. Of course, I wish I had wrote in it more. I also had plans starting at about 26 weeks to go into her nursery every night and sit in her chair and play her mobile for her to listen to. I thought that the more she heard it in the womb, the more comfort it would provide her with when she came home. Unfortunately, that never happened. I wish I had started playing it for her much sooner...all the memories. They can be so haunting sometimes but I am glad that you are sharing. Lots of love to you, Dana. Thinking of you and your angels always!

Melissa said...

Thinking of you Dana and sending lots of hugs your way <3

Mandy said...

My name is Mandy and I read your comment on Kellie Staats blog. I found her blog posted by a friend on facebook, and haven't been able to stop reading since. My son Braden was stillborn on June 2, 2010. When I clicked on your blog and saw that you lost your son on June 1st, I couldn't believe it. I have been reading through some of your blogs and just feel so much for you. I have just felt so lost and alone since I lost Braden. My friends have all pulled away from me. My two closest friends both had babies shortly before I found out I was pregnant. I struggle so much with jealousy. I was having such a hard time listening to them complain about how tired they were or how their babies were wearing them out. All I could think was I would give anything to be kept up all night by my baby. I would love to have someone to talk to who understands what I am feeling. My email is All of these holidays have been really wearing me down. I just keep thinking about his birthday coming up. I had already picked out what I wanted to do for his first birthday, and now I will be spending it at his grave. You have really been making me think about what I was doing a year ago. I found out Braden was a boy on February 16, so by now his nursery set would have just been getting here (because of course I ordered it right after I found out). I still feel like I'm walking around in a fog most of the time and I just don't know how to get past this. I would really love to hear from you. Know that I will be thinking about you and praying for you to get through each day as well.

Violet1122 said...


I've missed your blogs and I've missed you over the last few weeks. Thanks for your sweet comments on my blog - I've had you on my mind so often, especially when I was in the hospital. I wish, more than anything, I could have a magic wand to wave and make things better.

Your post kinda blew my mind today as I read it - because I had been kinda sad all day (me, the person who has every reason in the world to be happy!), remembering that I was pregnant this time last year with my third baby. So I guess I'm proof - no matter what good thing happens to you later on, you will always remember anniversaries, dates, and special moments.

I did have to chuckle a bit at the fruit punch thing. Who would have guessed that punch would have made all the difference with your nausea?

I can honestly say I think of you and Jacob every single day. We've been having a warm spell lately, and I keep an eye out for white butterflies.

Sending you the biggest hugs and prayers!

Drew's Parents said...

I am not sure how I missed this post from an entire week ago! I knew I had fallen behind, but that is just unacceptable! <3 I am thinking about you and Jacob a lot tonight. I know these next few months are going to involve a lot of vivid memories from the past. This time last year was such a happy and joyous time. Although I couldn't imagine what having a five month old would be like, I surely expected March 2011 to be very different. The memories from early 2010 are bittersweet. I wonder if there will always be some part of us that longs for the few innocent months we had with our sons. I love you!