I feel like I am living in the past. Everyday I think of what I was doing last year at this time, missing that time…missing Jacob.
Maybe I feel the need to write about it because I didn’t write about it at the time. I even bought a journal just to write in about my pregnancy with Jacob, but I felt so nauseous when I bought it that I never started. When the nausea stopped, I still didn’t start writing. I kept thinking that I would start, that I still had lots of time, that I'd write more when I felt him move more. I did write a few things down in my regular journal at least (which I wrote in sporadically).
So now I am writing about the particularly memorable days. I hope everyone will bear with me while I relive the past.
A year ago today was a Thursday. I had been feeling really nauseous for about a week and a half at that point and threw up most evenings. I carried plastic bags with me everywhere in case I didn’t have time to get to a bathroom. My temperature was also a lot higher and I could only keep my winter coat on if I was actually outside in the cold. If I was inside, or on the subway, I had to take it off or the nausea was worse and I felt like I would faint.
I had 2 events at work in the evening of February 25, 2010 - the Ontario Liberal Heritage Dinner and the New Pioneer’s Awards. Both were within walking distance of each other. I had to go to the Liberal Heritage Dinner drop off tickets for the people we had invited to sit at our company table, then I went to attend the other one. I remember walking to the Heritage Dinner in the Skywalk and feeling hot and sick and sweaty. I dropped off the tickets and walked to a nearby hotel for the New Pioneer Awards.
I was worried about staying out at night because I thought I might have to throw up in the middle of the dinner. We went into the reception and I took some fruit punch (which I double checked didn’t have any alcohol) and something amazing happened. When I took a sip of the drink, the nausea went away for a few minutes. It was just wonderful. I could stand and have a conversation and not be fighting the nausea the whole time. I drank at least 2 glasses of punch during the reception and got another to take with me to the dinner. Our table was right at the front of the room near the stage…and very far away from the doors out. When we sat down, I looked around and figure out the easiest, most inconspicuous way to leave in a hurry if I needed to. But sipping on the punch now and then throughout the dinner kept the nausea under control and I made it through the night without throwing up.
I was sitting next to a woman who had come to Canada from Russia and we got to talking about her life, her kids, etc. No one at work knew I was pregnant yet so I didn’t tell her either (since there were colleagues at the table), but I felt special knowing that I would be a Mom too.
I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant with Jacob a year ago today.
I cried last night, alot. I thought I had it under control and then it would get bad again. When I came to bed, Ted saw me and knew that I had been crying right away. Sometimes I try to hide it from him so he doesn’t worry. He has been showing his sadness and grief to me more lately and it breaks my heart, but I'm also glad that he isn't dealing with it alone, always trying to be strong.