Monday, February 14, 2011

February 13 and 14, 2010

Today has been a day for flashbacks and daydreaming about the future. My daydreams get so involved, that twice I found myself answer something out loud from a question asked in my daydream...always about the baby that I am pregnant with in that daydream. Then I would find myself relieving the moment that Dr. A couldn't find Jacob's heartbeat, then the time when I was cleaning my blood off the floor while getting dressed to go home the day he was born. I felt bad leaving it there for someone else to do. 

The last weekend in January 2010, Ted and I went to Montreal to visit his Mom and his friends. His sister and brother-in-law joined us at his Mom's house. It was so cold there that we didn't want to go out much at all. On the drive to Montreal, I kept noticing a lump in my throat and mentioned it to Ted. I hoped with everything I had that it meant that I was pregnant. While we were there, his Mom made a cake from a mix. After we all had a piece, someone looked at the box and noticed that it had expired. I wondered if I was pregnant and worried a little, but none of us got sick. His Mom also made us a spinach dish that was stir-fried with tomatoes. It was delicious and I just thought of how healthy it was for me and the baby, if I was pregnant. 

This picture was taken on January 29th. I was on the bed at his Mom's house reading. I suspected, but didn't know at the time, of the miracle that was taking place inside me as I lay there. 

A year ago yesterday, I took the cats to the vet and then to my Mom's house. 

I took some pictures of me with the cats that morning. 

Sadie and I
Oliver and I

I believe that it was also the 13th that I took the last pregnancy test. I had already taken 4, but I wanted to use one of the digital tests and see the word. I got it at Shopper's the night before and the cashier saw what I was buying and asked if I thought there was a pretty good chance. I said that I'm pretty sure that I am and she said congratulations. 

A year ago today, Ted and I took Keisha out for lunch to a buffet restaurant. I remember sitting there and think about what I was eating and how it was good for the baby. I hoped that I wouldn't get sick from eating at a buffet restaurant, that someone who had the flu or a cold hadn't breathed over the food that I was eating. And I thought of how I was sitting right across the table from Keisha, but she had no idea I was pregnant with her half brother. 

Laurie and Ben came over to the condo to clean the litter and visit. I took lots of videos of Ben dancing and one of him saying my name, which was still a bit of a novelty then. He called me Deena...even Uncle Deena for a month or two. 

That night, I started to feel sick. I had been avoiding seeing Laurie, Ben and my parents for a few weeks because they had all had the flu. That Sunday night, I got it and missed 3 days of work. I was throwing up several times a day and was really weak. I was worried that it might hurt the baby and called Motherisk, the hotline at the Hospital for Sick Children for expectant mothers. They said that unless my fever got above 39 or so, it shouldn't do any harm. I don't think that it ever did, but I didn't take my temperature the first day I was sick. They ended the call by saying that 2-3 out of every 100 babies will be born with a birth defect, as they do for every call. I knew that bad things could happen, that babies could be born with problems, but you never think that it will actually happen to you. 

I spend those three days lying on the couch, thinking about my baby and watching the Olympics. I wish I could turn back time and have those days back again. Although I appreciated every second that I had Jacob with me, now I feel like I could have appreciated them more. I would have had my hand on my belly every second of the day. 


ccc said...

The should haves, the would haves, and the could haves... They kill me too. {{hugs}}

Sheri said...

Try not to have any regrets, you can't turn back time and change things. I'm sure Jacob knew and knows how loved he was and is. Hang in there and stay strong!

mommy4boys said...

Sending you so much love. These coming days, weeks, and months are going to be so difficult. Know that I am here with you.

cullensblessings said...

There are so many moments I wish i could go back to.. thinking of you...

Elaine said...

I remember calling motherrisk when I was pregnant with Blaine too to see if something was safe and saying in my head "sure blah blah blah" when they gave me the speech at the end. I knew of course that would never happen to me!
I think those same things about my time with Blaine. If only I had known it was all I'd get. I would have taken a belly photo everyday, I would have rubbed my tummy and talked to him non stop. We did the best we could with the knowledge we had. And our boys know we love them.

Drew's Parents said...

It is so heartbreaking to think back to everything we had last year. Our time with our sons was so brief yet so meaningful and special. Those weeks were some of the best, if not the best, of our lives. I know the next several months are going to bring back so many bittersweet moments. I will be thinking about you and holding your hand every step of the way. Big Big hugs and lots of love! <3

Rhiannon said...

It is so heartbreaking to think of how our lives were a year ago. We loved and love our children so much but I agree with what you said about appreciating every second even more and not taking anything for granted. I am so sorry that this past year couldn't have been so much different. Lots of love to you, my friend.