One year ago

It was one year ago yesterday that I found out that I was pregnant. It was a faint positive, but a positive nonetheless. I was cautious, hoping that it was true, so I tested again the next day (and everyday for a few more days), one year ago today and the result was darker. I was so happy. It was the beginning of the best 5 months of my life. I was in a 2 day course on February 9 and 10, 2010 and I practically floated there. The course was boring for the most part, but the thought of the baby growing inside me was overwhelming and thrilling and I just couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. I sat in that course all day and thought about my baby. When we had lunch, I thought of how the food I was eating would help the baby. As I was walking to the hotel, someone was giving out free lunch bags at the subway that had orange juice, yogurt and fruit in it. I drank the orange juice and knew that I would be much more conscious of my diet in the months to come. Anything to make my baby healthy. I had vegetarian chili for lunch the second day and knew that it was good for my baby. On the way to the hotel in the morning, someone in front of me was smoking and I held my breath and walked around them quickly to protect my baby. There was another pregnant woman at the course, probably 7 months along. I stared at her every time she got up and thought of how that would be me in a few months. Then I got home that night, calculated the due date and called my parents and sisters and told them. It was such a good day.

It is painful to think of happy I was then. It is painful to think that I may never be that happy again. It’s hard to believe that I ever will be, since nothing can ever bring that baby back to me, that sense of peace, the bliss I felt when I was pregnant.