Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Eight months

Today is 8 months since we held Jacob in our arms. I can’t believe that it has been so long….how is it even possible? Yesterday was 8 months since we found out that he died. These anniversaries are falling on the same days of the week that we found out and that he was born on…a Monday and a Tuesday. The days our lives changed forever.

Right after Jacob died, I couldn’t even imagine this far into the future. It was just within my grasp to see a week into the future, but even that was a struggle. The future was murky and scary and overwhelming. Now here I am, living and doing fairly well. I still have a lot of sad times. I still feel the emptiness. I’m not anywhere near back to my old self. The tears still come fairly frequently. If I get frustrated with something, no matter how small, it often turns into tears and then thinking of him and then the big cry comes on and I just ache for him.

Every time I walk into our bedroom, I say hi to him as that is where his ultrasound picture is and where his bears are. I often talk to him when I’m doing dishes, in the shower, folding laundry. I imagine him there with me as I do those things and what it would be like. When I wake up early for work and feel too tired to get out of bed, I imagine just how tired I should be because I should have gotten up several times in the night with Jacob (or I should have gotten up a few times to go to the bathroom because I should be 5 months pregnant right now). Every time I go out, I think of what the preparation should be for going out. Getting Jacob all bundled up in his snowsuit, packing the diaper bag and then getting him into his carseat.

At church on Sunday, there were flowers on the communion table for another lost baby (who died 7 years ago) and an announcement in the bulletin of the 3 babies who have been born in the past few months (all living). I ran my fingers over their names and imagined seeing Jacob’s name in there too. I was relieved to see that the three pregnant women I saw in September when I was working in the nursery (and who unknowingly caused a pretty big cry while I was still at church) all had babies that lived. The minister, the same one who came to see me 3 times in the hospital, was saying a prayer during the service and talked about all of the people who are suffering for various reasons, including those who have lost a baby. I barely managed to keep myself from crying at certain times in the service but I love that he always seems to mention something about loss when I am there.

Afterwards, I was talking to the Mom who put the flowers on the communion table for her lost little boy Samuel, and Rev. Mike walked by, squeezed my elbow and asked if I was OK. I guess he noticed me struggling during the service, which was nice.

I stopped by Jacob’s garden, of course. The rose that we planted on Christmas Day is in surprisingly good shape.

I don’t have much else to say. I just wish that Jacob was in our arms, that our house had baby stuff all over the place, that I was doing tons of laundry for cute little baby clothes. That my biggest worry was arranging a spot in a day care for when I went back to work. I wish that I wasn’t trying to get pregnant again right now because I had a 3.5 month old baby at home.

All of the wishing is pointless. Nothing can change what has happened. Jacob is gone and I have to accept it and learn to live in a world without my child. I think it will be a lifelong process.

11 comments:

Angela said...

Love you. Happy eight months in heaven, Jacob.

Danae said...

Wishing Jacob a happy 8 months in heaven, and hoping today has been gentle on you Dana. Sending you my love!!

mommy4boys said...

I have thought about you and Jacob all often today. And how our three are probably watching this crazy snow fall.
Happy 8 Months to Jacob. I can really tell that you are having more gentle days. I hope they continue to improve.
Sending love your way!

Carrie

Elaine said...

I'm also constantly going over things in my head that I should be doing now with a 5 month old. Last April seems both like yesterday and a lifetime ago.
It sounds like you have a great church and so much support there. I really have to get off my butt and find myself one.
Happy Angelversary Jacob! Wishing you were home with Mom and Dad instead.

Drew's Parents said...

Remembering Jacob today along with you. <3 It is hard not to wish for everything we should have had with our little boys. I think you are right that we will always be learning to live without our sons. In a perfect world, our boys would have been with us for the rest of our lives. Happy angelversary to your beautiful little boy. <3 <3 <3 My heart is with you both always!

cullensblessings said...

Sending you so much love and light.. remembering Jacob's life with you as well. I too wish that so many things were different, and I know that I will make those wishes forever.
my thoughts are with you...

Olivia's Mom said...

It's hard not to wish of what should've been. I catch myself doing that all too often. Thinking of you and precious Jacob on his 8 month angelversary!

car said...

Thinking of you and Jacob.

Lindsey said...

I thought about you yesterday. {{hugs}}. I relate to all of this, unfortunately. Saturday will be 9 months since I lost Ella, and the 14th will be 5 years since I lost my Jacob. Hope you are doing well today.

Rhiannon said...

How nice of your minister to check on you and remember Jacob. I wish your little guy was in your arms right now and that you were overwhelmed with laundry, and and new mommy worries. I agree, this will be a lifelong process for all of us, unfortunately. Thinking of you and Jacob on his 8 month angelversary. Lots of love to you. <3

Sheri said...

Sending you a big hug!