Friday, February 11, 2011

Upcoming anniversaries

I have a bad feeling about the next several months, if yesterday was any indication of how it is going to be. The anniversaries of new, significant dates are starting. The day I found out I was pregnant, the day we told people…typical things you do when pregnant. But there are other dates and things that are a reminder. There has been a lot of talk about the 1 year anniversary of the 2010 Winter Olympics, which I watched all the time. I got the flu shortly after finding out I was pregnant and the Olympics kept me from being bored to tears when I felt too sick to get off the couch. Then I had a few days reprieve before the all-day nausea started. On February 13, 2010, we took Keisha, my step-daughter, out for lunch. On February 14th, my sister Laurie and nephew Ben came over and cleaned the litter boxes and we spent several hours together.

I think this blog is going to become a record of memorable of dates until June 2, 2011. They are hard to think about. It is hard to remember such a happy time in my life when I know the unhappy ending. I wish that we could just skip forward to June 2 and past the 1 year anniversary of Jacob’s birth and late May when he died. Since I don't know the exact date he died, there will be days of wondering if that day marks one year.

All of the dates coming up are overwhelming me right now. I spent a while on the couch last night crying thinking about it all. How one year ago at that time, I was probably lying on the couch and staring at my belly and rubbing my hands on it, thinking of my baby in there and of everything we had to look forward to.

As I lay there crying, Sadie, poor sickly little Sadie, crawled over to me and lay against my chest. Everytime I made some noise while crying, she looked at me and purred a little louder. I started to think of how it could be worse, because it can always be worse. I thought that Sadie was going to die last Sunday night, but there she was, cuddling up against me and I was grateful that I wasn’t grieving for her and for Jacob. Oh, but I miss Jacob so much. I was starting to think that I don’t need to sleep with his blanket every night, but I do. I’m just not ready to stop yet.

When I think of how daunting these dates are, I think back to what I have already survived. The months that I should still have been pregnant, but wasn’t and how every Thursday that went by, another week of how far along I should be, was noted. Every Tuesday that passed, taking me another week away from the last time I held Jacob. The living in fear of Jacob’s due date and then Christmas and then New Year’s Eve. But I survived all of those dates, as hard as it was. I can survive these ones too.

6 comments:

Angela said...

You CAN survive, mama. It will be hard, but I'll be with you every step of the way. I am dreading the next few months too. Strength and peace.

Courtney said...

You can and you will. I wish we didn't have to know how to survive this. I too wish we could fast forward past our boys 1st birthday. =(

Love & hugs

Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that Sadie is okay and that she is feeling closer to being her normal self. It sounds like she is giving you lots of needed comfort and support. The upcoming months will be difficult, but I know you will be able to make it through. Before long, we will be honoring our boys' one year angelversaries. As heartbreaking as the upcoming milestones will be, I think our boys will be close to us the whole time. Sending you big hugs and lots of love <3 <3 <3

cullensblessings said...

You have more strength than you give yourself credit for Dana... it truly is so hard to get though each of the days that have significant meaning to us in the life and death of our babies. Take each one as it comes, and know that you have may people thinking of you with love and light...

The Wellman's said...

You are one of the most strongest women I have ever met. I can't imagine going through what you have, you are AMAZING! I hate dates, why is it us women remember EVERY date, every anniversary? It's awful at times. I'll be sending my thoughts and prayers your way, I'm sure it's going to be hard this spring and early summer but if you ever need to talk you know where to find me!

Elaine said...

You will survive. You have already gone through the worst. As much as it hurts these days are also reminders of the time you spent with your amazing Jacob and how much you loved him. Th joy and the love are what I am trying to keep in mind as I go through these same days remembering Blaine. I am still overcome by how unfair it is that I am "remembering him" instead of celebrating all of the new milestones that a baby would have. But we will get through it Dana.