Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Family Day

Monday was Family Day in Canada and Ted and I had the day off. We went to a movie and then went to the garden to visit our boy. I feel funny saying that, as if we only visit him when we are at the garden. I feel like Jacob is with me all the time, but the garden is where his ashes are. It was freezing yesterday so we didn’t stay for a long time. There was recent snow on the ground and someone had walked to where we usually stand when we go there. I wondered if someone had come to visit Jacob, or were the footprints from the other family at the church that lost their little boy, who is buried close to Jacob?

As we were standing there, silently, Ted noticed a tiny bird in the tree that Jacob is buried under. It was a little brown bird right in the center. There are no leaves on the tree and the bird was well camouflaged and protected. I wondered if it was a sign from Jacob. I’ve never seen a bird in a tree like that before, but I haven’t really looked either. Then I thought of Angela and Charlotte, her little bird.

This picture was taken on February 5th, but that is the tree that the bird was in.
We usually stand on the right side of the hedge, in the middle in front of the bench. That is
where the footprints stopped on Monday.  You can still see the rose that we put there on
Christmas Day. It has been moved as it needed support from the hedge, but it is still there.

Ted couldn’t stay long, he just felt too sad, so he went and sat in the car. I stayed a few more minutes, talking and crying, telling Jacob how much we miss him. As we drove away, we talked about how sad it is.

Then I thought of the weekly company newsletter that my coworker sends out every Wednesday. She had requested photos from everyone from the long weekend for Wednesday's edition. I said to Ted that if we had taken a picture of both of us in front of the tree and added the caption “Dana and Ted visit their son Jacob’s resting place”, it probably would have been rejected. Too depressing.

When I got to work on Tuesday, I told my coworker about the photo we could have submitted and we laughed (I know, a bit of black humour) about it, knowing that a photo and caption like that wouldn’t have been allowed to run. Such is the life of a BLM. We have pictures of our baby, but few people want to see them.


Rhiannon said...

It is so true and so heartbreaking. I think you should submit the picture anyway...that is your family and nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of love, my friend.

Elainna said...

I also think you should submit the picture. Hope family day wan't too hard.

Elaine said...

Yes, leave it to the liberals to make yet another day of the year for us to dread! lol

I know what you mean about the dark humour. I've gotten some weird looks and apprehensive smiles from people. I thik it shocks them that I can drop the words "dead baby" so easily. They don't get that that's just our world.

I know how you feel about the pic. It really is a juggling act deciding what is acceptable or appropriate and what isn't. I'm not lucky enough to have any pics of Blaine so I love to look at other moms, especially of babies around his size and age.

Missy said...

Grief is a reality of life. You spent time with your son and people should be able to see that. I think your photo is very peaceful and I appreciate you sharing it with us! All my love~

Angela said...

Family Day? That sounds difficult. Thanks for thinking of me and my sweet girl.

Michele said...

Thank you for your comment on my recent post. It was so very kind.

The picture of you by Jacob's tree is really breathtaking... Thinking of you...

Drew's Parents said...

I am glad that Jacob sent you a sign :-) I can completely relate to your dark humor. It is so sad how much truth there is in what you said about nobody wanting to see the pictures of our children. (Except BLMs, of course!) Our babies only make people sad and uncomfortable. We are denied life with our babies and all of the experiences that come along with that…including letting others know what you did on family day. Sending you big hugs as always!