Sunday, February 20, 2011

Progress made.....not so much

I thought that I have been making some progress in seeing pregnant women. I could see a pregnant woman on the street and not want to run and hide, not have the tears come to my eyes immediately. I would feel sad and stare into space, but it just wasn't as bad.

I could see announcements by BLM's and just be geniunely happy for them, instead of geniunely happy for them AND aching that it wasn't me making the announcements. I felt, and it feels, so good to just be happy for them. 

The one time I still have trouble is when the woman is the same number of weeks that I was when I lost one of my 3 - 5 weeks, 10 weeks and 20-21 weeks. I also can't watch videos of anything pregnancy related from anyone. I haven't even seen the video of my nephews ultrasound and I just recently asked to see the pictures my sister got from it (she had the ultrasound in December).

I should have known that any feelings of peace I had started to feel wouldn't last.

My sister is almost 7 months pregnant. It was really hard to see her once she started showing, which was pretty early in her pregnancy. Then it got harder when I found out she was having a boy. I think it is especially hard because I should be 5.5 months pregnant with Cub right now. 

Since I found out that she is having a boy, all I picture when I see her is the little baby boy in her belly moving around and what it must feel like and how much I ache for that feeling. A few weeks ago, I started to feel stronger. She had been wearing baggy sweatshirts around me, but didn't one day and I was OK. I was sad for myself and for Jacob and Cub, but I was OK, sad, but OK. Sadness is my regular state of being most days anyway.

I recently bought some baby clothes for Laurie's baby and for a friend's baby. It is harder to shop for Laurie's baby because she is having a boy, but I wanted to get something for both babies. I told Laurie that I got something for her baby and she said how nice it was and how it shows that I am healing. I know that that is true. A few months ago, there is no way that I could have bought anything for a little boy. And I know she meant well by saying it and that she doesn't mean that I am forgetting. But I can't help but think that when someone says that I am doing well and healing and making progress, that they think that I am getting over losing Jacob. I will never, ever get over losing him. It is a daily battle to not let the sadness overtake me. Some days it is harder than others and some days I just totally lose that battle. But I don't want anyone to ever think that I can get over losing him. I know she didn't mean that and I know what she said is true, but it made me sad.

On Friday night, she asked me to come and babysit Ben while she and Andy went for a movie. I decided to bring over the outfit that I bought for her baby. I had it out in the living room and then the time changed and we went over later than we first planned to. I couldn't stand having it around anymore so I put it upstairs. I did bring it out again and bring it over when we went. The thing that really got to me that it is a 3-6 month size and Jacob would be 4 months old right now. He could have been wearing it.

I was a little nervous about seeing her belly, but thought that they wouldn't stay around for too long after I got there. They stayed for over 2 hours. The odd thing kept them there and then she wanted to get Ben to bed and show me his bedtime routine since I'll be taking care of him when she has her baby. So she had him in bed and was lying next to him reading him a story. She called me to come in and I did. I stared at the pages of the book because I didn't want to look at her belly. I always end up looking at it though. I don't know why I torture myself so much. I was looking at it for movement and it's a good thing I didn't actually see any. At one point, Ben lifted her top up, so her bare belly was showing. That is something I just can't handle yet and I felt the tears come right away so I looked away and pretended to be looking at something on my slippers. She did pull the blanket over her belly and asked if I was OK and I said that I was, of course.

When they got home, we had some dessert, then Laurie showed me an outfit that Mom bought for Ben. It was pants, a shirt and a vest and Laurie laid it out across her chest and belly. I went to pick up the pants and my finger grazed her belly, which wasn't good. I feel like I pulled my hand away like I just put it in a fire, but I don't think it was that obvious.

I got home that night and was so depressed. I had a big, sobbing cry in the shower and just felt so sad and so empty.

On Saturday night, the whole family was getting together at Laurie's for her birthday. I dreaded it all days because I was scared of feeling so depressed again. But I don't want my sadness to run my life, so I never once thought of not going. Laurie said most were getting there around 6, but I could come over anytime I want to. I love to hang out with Laurie, but after the night before, I couldn't be there for any longer than I had to be.

I've never asked for it, but my OB has given me Ativan, an anti-anxiety medication, twice. 
The first time was when I was in labour Jacob. I didn't know what it was, but was told that
 it would help me sleep so I took it and I only slept about 30 minutes. She also gave it to 
me when I was miscarrying Cub. I took it once, just to see what it would do, but I didn't 
notice much difference.

I decided that I would take it last night because I was so sad seeing Laurie's belly the night before. 
I took it just before we left and it made me drowsy but is also helped alot. I didn't feel nearly as bad as I did the night before, but there were also more people there and she was sitting behind a table alot. 

When we got home, I was so tired. I had a shower and came downstairs intending to update fertility friend. I was so out of it that I couldn't make much sense of it and fell asleep on the couch and had a better sleep than I have in months. 


Elaine said...

I'm glad you're trying. It might seem so hard still but trying is a big step. You'd regret it later if you missed out on all of these times with Ben and your sister. I know it's still hard for me to be around my niece who was born just after Blaine. But I force myself to do it and it does get easier. Yesterday I even changed her diaper and gave her her bottle.

That outfit is really cute and it was definitely a big step that you were able to go to the baby section, pick something out and buy it! Don't be hard on yourself, you're handling this the best you can.

Sheri said...

Give yourself time and don't feel bad for the way you're feeling. I remember buying a present for a friend's baby two weeks after we lost Olivia, and I could barely keep it together in the store. Then when we went to visit after he was born, I was stressed out about how i might react. I remember holding his tiny body and looking to his eyes, and feeling the ache in my heart and thinking "this could be her".

I still have my moments, and suspect I always will. Give yourself permission to hurt and to embrace your emotions. Bottling it up won't help you, and those emotions will sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Hang in there!

Drew's Parents said...

I am glad that you had such a good night's sleep. You deserve it. <3 You really have made a lot of progress, but being so strong all of the time can take a toll.
The outfit you bought is so precious. It makes me sad that you aren't buying cute clothes and toys for your Jacob or preparing Cub's nursery. As you are doing all of these thoughtful and kind gestures for others, allow yourself to grieve. Be gentle on yourself and know your babies are with you always <3 <3 <3 Senidng you love and hugs!

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry that you had such a rough night, Dana. I have felt the same way when someone tells me that I seem like I am healing or 'doing better'. I know that I am but like you said, I don't want them to think that means that I am over losing Harper. I will never get over that. None of us will.

I am glad that you got some much needed rest. I am proud of you for being so brave. Sending lots of love and hugs to you. <3