Talking to you

Hi baby,

I find myself talking to you alot. I don't pray so much anymore, instead I talk to you. I probably say something to you every hour, whether out loud or in my head. I would be talking to you if you were in my belly right now too. I wonder if you ever heard my voice. You passed away just at the stage where you could have started hearing me. But since I don't know exactly when you died, I don't know if you ever heard me or not. I like to think that you knew my thoughts and feelings at least. I love you so much. I hope that you felt that. Even when I felt really sick all day and even sicker at night, it was worth it because it meant that I was going to have you. But now I don't have you. I have your memory, your pictures, your blankets, teddy bear, foot and hand print and a certificate of Recognition of Birth. But I want you. I sleep with your blanket every night and often carry it around the house with me. I can't leave home without your teddy bear. I tried to yesterday, but it felt like I was leaving you behind and I just couldn't do it.

I didn't cry as much yesterday. I wanted to, but I didn't. Daddy was home all day with me and I just feel like I cry in front of him all the time. It scares him. He has never tried to get me to stop, but I don't want to bring him down all the time. I did start to cry several times, both at home and when we were out, but I stopped myself.

I thought about putting away all of my maternity clothes yesterday as it is painful to see them in the closet. Just the thought of doing it made my heart race. It is so final to put them away. They almost fit me before I lost you and I was so looking forward to looking so pregnant, to feel you more and more everyday the longer I carried you. Even if/when I get pregnant again, the baby will never replace you. I will never feel the same about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll love every baby that I have, but you will always be my first. The first time I got so excited that I had a positive pregnancy test, the first time I threw up because of being pregnancy (even that is a good memory now because you were healthy and alive then), all of the naps I took in the evening because I was just so tired all the time (now lying on the same couch makes me sad because you aren't there with me), all of the late night snacks I ate because I was just hungrier (I just don't need them anymore - I don't feel like I even need food much anymore, although I still eat - just way less than normal).

I also miss my pants being too tight and doing them up with a hair elastic since I didn't fit the maternity pants yet. I am going to be sad when I put those pants on again and they fit.

We went to a mall yesterday. I was a little anxious about going because the last time we were there, I was pregnant with you. I thought I would be so sad walking around there, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wasn't really in the mood to shop, but we just needed something to do since someone was coming to see the condo. I saw a few pregnant woman and it made my heart skip a beat. I didn't actually cry, but it caused a wave of sadness. One of them is probably how big I would have been with you now. If only I could have told her how lucky she is, not to take a single second for granted.

I was creating a master folder of pictures that had anything to do with you, the pregnancy test pictures, pictures of my belly as I grew and of course pictures of your ultrasounds and you after you were born. There were some pictures taken on May 29th - just 2 days before we found out that you had passed away. We went to the Music Gardens, where we took our wedding pictures last September and I stood in many of the same places as I did for those pictures, except I had you with me. We said that we would keep coming back to one particular place that has a large decorative pole in the ground and take my pictures there every month or so so that we could see the belly growing. When I look back at the pictures from May 29th, my belly looks so round. It made me so sad. The way my arms brushed against it in the pictures, the way the shirt I was wearing fell, everything. I miss having you inside me so much sweetie.

Mommy

Worried about me

I have been so wrapped up in my own grief about losing Jacob. I knew/know that other people were/are really sad about him too, and were worried about me, but I didn't realize how much they were worried about me until today.

Ted went to work today. He calls me several times a day to check up on me. Around 10am I went to call someone and realized that the phone wasn't working because someone who came to look at the condo and turned off the switch to the outlet that charges the phone. I emailed Ted right away and let him know that the phone didn't have any battery. When it charged up enough, I checked the messages and he had left one and sounded so worried. I called him, explained what happened. He said that he just felt sick that he couldn't get a hold of me. He was so worried he felt faint and couldn't concentrate at all. He didn't know whether to leave work and come check on me, or stay at work and wait for me to call. He was worried that he would miss my call since he would have to take the subway home. He called Mom and Dad's house and talked to Dad, who hadn't heard from me so he got more worried. I also didn't answer my cell, which I usually turn on when I leave the house. I feel so bad that he was so worried. I would have felt the same if the roles were reversed and I saw him being as sad as I have been for the past 10 days.

I have always known that he loves me alot, but this really showed just how much he does.

I would never do anything to myself. As sad as I feel, I just wouldn't do it. Ted has hated seeing me this way and has been worried that I will never get better. I will get 'better', I just will never be the same person again. I hope to be close to the same person though.

After Jacob was born, Ted, Jessie, Laurie and Mom told me how worried they had been about me during the delivery, that I would make it through OK. They were really sad about Jacob, but it occurred to them that something could go even more wrong and I could physically be in trouble. It had briefly crossed my mind while I was waiting for labour to start, but quickly pushed it to the back of my mind because I had lost my baby and that was really all that I could focus on. I was also very confident in Dr. A and the nurses. Since Laurie bled alot after having Ben, they were all probably thinking about that too. Amanda told me the other day that these early deliveries are higher risk since my body shouldn't have been in labour yet, the placenta wasn't ready to detach from the uterus, and the umbilical cord was so fragile. Then when he was breech, it presented even more risk.

I know I am lucky that nothing worse happened to me. I am alive and I can still have kids.

But I can never have Jacob again and that will always make me incredibly sad.

Just want to write to you again

I just keep wanting to write to you Jacob. I guess it makes me feel closer to you and have more hope that you will know what I am feeling and how much I miss you. I will never, ever get over losing you. I know time will make things easier, but I will always have a hole in my heart.

Sometimes I used to imagine bad things happening to the people I love, probably because it scared me so much that something bad could happen. Now something bad has happened and it is still hard to believe.

It is hard to go one without you. I have no choice. I can't believe that I have lost my baby. This is something that happens to other people. I always felt so badly for them. I just had no idea then how they felt. Unfortunately I do now. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

I'm still not eating well. I could barely eat for days after you were born. People brought me food at the hospital and I did eat it. Sometimes I was even hungry. I didn't feel hunger for at least 2 days after you were born. Then I started feeling hunger pains but ignored them. How could I want to eat when my baby is dead? How could I want to do anything when my baby is dead? Daddy would bring me food and I would eat it, mostly to make him happy. He was so sad about losing you and then really worried about me too. I was so wrapped up in my grief. He thought I would fall into a major depression, which scared him alot. Like he wasn't dealing with enough already. I don't think I will get clinically depressed, thankfully my hormones aren't making that happen. But my sadness is so strong and so heavy. I just want you back and I want you healthy. Is that so much to ask for? Millions of babies are born every year perfectly healthy, even when their mothers didn't take care of themselves when pregnant. I was so careful. Maybe I didn't eat enough fruits and vegetables everyday, but I ate a lot more than I used to. I tried my best Jacob, I am so sorry that it wasn't good enough. I really don't know what else I could have done. I took folic acid for almost a year before you were even conceived.

I am starting to sleep better now. At first I could only sleep for 3-4 hours a night. I fell asleep crying and I woke up crying. I always sleep with the blanket that you were wrapped in. Sometimes I even pretend that you are in the blanket when I am lying in bed. I like to think that you are lying beside me. Maybe your spirit is. That brings me some comfort, but I would still rather have you inside of me. I hate that you aren't in my belly anymore. I was so happy that my belly was getting bigger. I couldn't wait for your kicks to get more regular and for you Daddy to be able to feel them too. Unfortunately he never did and we were so close to the time when he would have been able to start.

None of this is fair baby, none of it.

I miss you so much, words can't even come close to expressing it. I cried so much this morning. I cry so much everyday.

Amanda has helped me alot. She lost her baby when she was 7 months pregnant. She just knows the right thing to say. She reassures me that you know how much we love you, miss you and want you. I really hope that you do. I wanted (and still want) to be a mommy so badly. I have had a baby now, but I don't have you in my arms. I wanted reassurance that I was still a Mom and she gave it to me. When I was crying and worrying about you, she pointed out that that is exactly how a Mom acts and feels about her children. I hope that you are with her son Samuel in Heaven now and that he is taking care of you. I hope that you are happier there than you would have been here. You would have had some pain in your life here because of your leg and your hand. It must have been those amniotic bands that did it. Everyone was surprised that they were there. Dr. A was surprised that all of this happened in the first place. I don't think anyone was more shocked then I was though.

I miss you and love you so much. I want to know that you are happy, that you know how much we love and miss you. That everything we do for the rest of our lives, I will think of how you are missing. I will never look at our family pictures the same way again because you won't be in them. I don't know if my eyes will ever truly look happy again in them. I looked so happy in the pictures taken before losing you. I am so glad that I have pictures of my belly that were taking a week before we lost you. My belly is smaller now, but it still has the same shape as when you were in it. I don't know if I want it to go away or not. It is a reminder of everything that has happened so it is hard that way, but I don't need a physical reminder anyway. I also don't want it to leave because it feels like I am losing more of you. I even just felt a phantom kick.

Please send me a sign that you are OK. I need a sign so badly.

I love you so much.

Mommy

I will never know what you would have looked like

This morning I woke up and was thinking about you Jacob. I am always thinking about you. I was trying to find a reason for what happened. I can only think that God decided that you would have been in too much pain if you had stayed and that the amniotic bands might have hurt you more the longer you stayed inside of me. Maybe God did it so that Daddy and I wouldn't have to make any decisions about what to do and so that we wouldn't have to see you sad and in pain if you had been born when you should have been and lived.

That doesn't mean that I don't want you back though. I want you back so badly I actually physically hurt. I wouldn't want you to suffer in any way, but why would you have to suffer? Why did anything have to go wrong for you? You never did anything to deserve anything bad. I don't think we ever did anything bad either to deserve the pain of losing you.

I rolled over in bed this morning and saw your Daddy's face. You looked so much like him. You had his lips and his nose. I felt so sad again. This is one morning that I didn't wake up crying automatically. But when I saw how much you looked like your Daddy, the sadness swept over me again and I thought about how I will never know what you would have looked like as you grow up. I will always picture you as you looked the day we said hello and goodbye to you.

But I will never really say goodbye to you. You will be in my heart forever. I will think about you everyday. Every time we go somewhere this summer, I will think of what it would have been like to be pregnant with you while we are there or to be carrying you or pushing you in a stroller there after you were supposed to be born. Do the people who have a baby know how lucky they are? I'm sure they do on some level, but I don't think they can truly appreciate it unless something like this has happened to them.

Sunday is your cousin Ben's 2nd birthday party. I had planned on being there while I was pregnant with you, looking at all the kids and imagining how you would be joining in the fun at his 3rd birthday party next year. Maybe you will be there with us, but not in the way I want you to be. But I will take what I can get, since I can't get what I want. We were so excited when we found out about you for so many reasons. One was that you and Ben could have been so close. We are moving to a house just 8 minutes away from their house. That house will seem so empty now. We often talked about how great it would be to have you two being great friends. Ben loves babies and kids so much. I know he would have loved you too. Aunty Laurie said that she will make sure that Ben will always know that he had a cousin named Jacob that was gone way, way too soon.

I don't know if I can even go to the party now. We are going to try, but I think it is going to hurt too much. We are also going to a butterfly release that morning and releasing a butterfly for you. I never imagined that I would even be looking into things like that for my little baby. But here we are.

I am really missing you baby. I am so sad right now. I have been sadder than I have ever been in my life since finding out that you had passed away. If you took all the sadness I had felt in my life and put it all together to feel all at once, it wouldn't even come close to how sad I feel right now.

I hope that you are OK where you are and know how much we love you.

Mom

Missing you

I posted this one on the babycenter.com website on June 10.

This is my first journal entry. Jacob, I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't cry because of losing you. Sometimes I actually go for a few hours. I still feel sad and that something is dragging me down, but I'm not on the verge of tears. I felt so guilty about that at first, but now I think it is a normal part of grieving. I always do cry for you again.

This morning I had a dream that I was still pregnant with you and your Daddy was kissing my belly. I was so happy. I don't think I'd ever felt that happy in my life because you were still with me. Then the alarm clock went off, I woke up and my world collapsed again. I still can't believe that you are gone. Did I really give birth to you 9 days ago? Has all of this really happened? I still don't understand how that could be. How did my body let this happen? Why did it let you down? I am so sorry honey. If I could change what happened, I would.

Amanda told me that this is something that happened to me, not something I caused in anyway. That I was in a war when I was delivering you and just trying to get through it. I need people to keep telling me that it wasn't my fault. On an intellectual level, I know that it wasn't. But emotionally I still blame myself. Who else can I blame? There were no warning signs that this would happen, so I can't blame the doctor. I was so careful about what I ate, drank - everything. If I was walking near someone who was smoking, I would move away. If I needed something heavy lifted, I called someone to do it. I did lift a few things, but they were less than 20lbs and it was early in the pregnancy. I guess I could blame God, and sometimes I do. Most of the time I am mad at myself though.

My doctor said that you had some amniotic bands. It is so rare to have them and there is no known cause, but sometimes I wonder if I just hadn't lifted this or that, maybe it wouldn't have happened. The head of radiology at the hospital (who is married to the daughter of Grandma's friend) was told about the bands and his mouth dropped open. Even he was surprised that there were amniotic bands. It scares me what else they could have done to do you. I wonder if they caused your death. One may have wrapped around the umbilical cord, but I couldn't really see for sure and we don't have the results of the autopsy yet.

I hope you didn't suffer when your heart stopped. I hope it was quick. I can't stand the thought of you suffering. I can't stand it that I didn't know that it was happening. How could my baby have died inside of me and I didn't even know it? I was walking around the last few days before we found out thinking everything was fine.

You had started kicking me around 16 weeks and I felt flutters before that. I was so happy every time that I felt you move. Every kick made me smile and touch my belly. You usually gave me a few kicks around noon, so I waited everyday for them. I wasn't truly happy until I felt your kick everyday. I still felt them even after the time that you passed away.

I still feel "kicks" sometimes. I think it is my uterus contracting, but I really really wish that it was you. It is like a cruel joke that it is still happening and you are gone. My poor little baby's body is waiting in a morgue for an autopsy. I can't believe that I am even referring to you when I write that. You should be safe and warm inside of me. I am so sorry that you aren't.

I cherish the 20 weeks that I had you with me.

I love you forever.

Mommy

Things that I am really sad about

I posted this on the babycentre.com support group on June 5. I just felt terrible that morning when I woke up. For a few days I had been thinking about all of the points in the post and that morning I thought I would explode if I didn't write them all down. I lay sobbing in bed for awhile, then I got up and posted this.

- I hate that I will never hold my baby in my arms again, only his cremated remains in an urn. HE SHOULD STILL BE INSIDE OF ME!!!!!

- I hate that I will never see his smile, the sound of his voice, hear him laugh and watch him as he discovers new things.

- I hate that I will never be able to hug and kiss him again. I hate that I couldn't really hug him when I held him because he was so tiny.

- I hate that I will never feel his head resting on my shoulder when he is asleep, that he will never fall asleep in my arms and I will just sit there enjoying the feeling, that I will never feel him kiss me on the cheek or wrap his arms around me.

- I hate that I will never have him look for me first when he gets upset about something or falls down and needs some comfort.

- I hate that I don't have a picture of my kissing him. I did it so many times, but didn't think of asking anyone to take a picture.

- I hate that I don't have any video of rocking him. I remember doing it, but will I always remember that I did it? Will I remember the feel of it?

- I hate that my abdomen is getting smaller instead of bigger. It hasn't even been a week since I had him and it had shrunk alot.

- That I have produced milk, but I don't have a baby to feed it to.

- Every time I move, I feel some part of my body that changed because of and for him and I loved those changes.

- I hate that I can't rest my hand on my abdomen and feel my baby and talk to him. I still do it sometimes, but it just makes me breakdown. Or I just talk out loud and hope that he can hear me somehow when I say how much I love and miss him.

- I hate that I am making cremation arrangements and trying to figure out special things that we can put with him before he is cremated (I'll knit a blanket, as will my Mom. I think I'll also put a little stuffed animal and a note to him about how much I love him and will miss him forever - that everyday of my life will be different because of him).

- I want to say something at his memorial service because he deserves for his mother to do that for him, but I don't know if I will be able to hold it together long enough to get everything out.

- I hate that I can sleep on my sides now and be comfortable, that I don't need a pillow under my abdomen anymore.

- I hate that my breasts don't hurt as much as they did. I would have them hurt for the rest of my life if it meant that he didn't die.

- I love that I am now a mother, but I hate that I don't have a baby in my arms. I have given birth and love him with every cell of my being, but am I really a Mom? I never got to take care of him outside of my body.

- That somehow my body failed and he died. I tried so hard to do all the right things. Everyone said that there was nothing I could have done to cause or to prevent it. I was way more careful than alot of people are, but ultimately my body still failed my baby, myself, my husband, Jacob's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandmother and anyone who would have been touched by his life after he was born and got older.

- I am scared that people won't understand how devastating this is because he died before he was born and we never got to know him. I did know him. I know that he liked to kick me around noon on most days, that he favoured hanging out on my left side for at least the past month, that whenever I steamed clothes, he kicked me.

- I am scared that people will eventually forget him. I know my DH, parents and sisters never will, but will they think about him everyday, if only for a second? Will my friends and colleagues still think in a couple of weeks, months, years that I am still incredibly sad about losing him, that I will have moments of sadness everyday and that I will never be the same?

- When someone asks me if I have any kids, I will say yes. But how awkward will it be when I say that I have a son but that he passed away. I will never say that I don't have kids because I will never act like this didn't happen, but why can't I just say that I have a son and know that he is healthy and happy and know that I am going home to him.

- I am sad that I only have memories, pictures and momentos of him now. I have the hospital bands that my husband and I were supposed to wear, I have the bands that Jacob was supposed to wear. I have a little teddy bear that once lay beside him, I have his footprint and handprint, I have the blanket that he was wrapped in and that I sleep with every night now and I have the 5 pregnancy tests that I took confirming that I was pregnant and my dream of having a baby would come true. BUT I DON'T HAVE HIM!!!!

- That I still feel kicking sometimes. How can I still feel that when my baby is dead! I loved feeling him kick, it was the best feeling I ever had and now it is gone and I will never feel him kick again. That I saw those little feet that were kicking me, but they will never move again. At the same time I never want that feeling to stop because I am losing a little bit more of him.

- I hate that when I lean forward, whatever top I am wearing rubs against my belly like it did when I was pregnant. I loved every feeling like that.

- I hate that when I am in the shower and I put soap on my belly, that there isn't much of a belly to put it on anymore.

- I hate that I can see my feet now.

- I hate that I can bend over more comfortably now and I don't feel a weight in my abdomen.

- I hate that I don't need to pee all the time.

- I hate that I sometimes feel nauseous now (I felt nauseous for 2 months with him and then even felt it on and off until just before I had him). I don't know if it is a lack of sleep (I can't sleep for more than 4 hours at a time and wake up crying every morning), the lack of food because I just don't care about eating, or if it happens after giving birth, but I want to be nauseous because I am pregnant, but because my baby has died!

- I really want to go back to the hospital and to the room where I had him. I think it would make me feel closer to him again. I wish I could spend more time in the bed that I delivered him in. I know it would be painful to relive everything again, but I relive it every second of every day and this would make me feel closer to him. I guess I should feel close to him all the time since he grew in my body and that is where he was the longest, but I just feel like being at the hospital would help me. I bet the staff there would disagree though.

- I hate that I have to pack away the maternity clothes that were really just starting to fit. I was so looking forward to wearing them and seeing how my belly was growing and filling them out. Now I have to go and find my regular summer clothes that had become to small and I am so sad that they will fit this summer after all.

- I am so sad that I will never feel his soft skin again.

I am just devastated that my baby is gone.

My baby has died

I first posted this on the babycenter.com support group for those who have had miscarriages, stillbirths or infant loss on June 2, the day after giving birth to Jacob.

This is my first post. I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy yesterday when I was 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am devastated. I went for my regular doctor's appointment on Monday. She couldn't find his heartbeat and tried for 3 minutes to do it. I just stared at the ceiling when I wasn't looking at the doctor's face. I knew it was bad. She said that she can usually find the heartbeat easily at this stage of the pregnancy. She went to her office to call the hospital for an emergency ultrasound in the prenatal clinic and I was just crying in the exam room. She was really nice, making sure I was OK to walk over there. I had to wait about 20 minutes (it felt like hours - watching parents walking around with their babies, hearing babies cry). The ultrasound tech apologized for the wait, but I had to wait another few minutes in the ultrasound room while she got paperwork done. I just needed confirmation and I wanted to know right away. Sure enough, I could see there was no movement and his heart wasn't beating, my heart just breaking again even though I was expecting it. I still hoped against hope that he was hiding, but I knew he was too big for that. For other ultrasounds, he moved so much it took a long time to get measurements. She said she didn't see any movement or heartbeat and was bringing the scan to a radiologist. Meanwhile, they called my doctor and I was brought to the labour and delivery area. I went into a room where I sat and cried for awhile and a wonderful nurse named Patrice came in and gave me a big hug. It was just what I needed. She said that she had had losses too.

I had called my husband and parents by this time and they were all on their way. My Mom got there first, while my Dad went to get my husband at the subway since I had the car. I had called my husband when said the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, but when I called him after the ultrasound, I guess I just said that it wasn't good and he said he was leaving work and coming. I didn't realize until that night or the next day that I hadn't told him that our little boy had definitely passed away. When he got to the hospital, he asked at the maternity reception where to go and they sent him to emerge, so he went there and had a bad time trying to find me, not knowing what was going on and getting more anxious and worried by the minute. Meanwhile I was just down the hall from where he came in.

I asked for another ultrasound before they started inserted the pills that would bring on labour. I knew he was gone, but didn't want to regret not checking again and this way my husband got to see it too. My doctor came over from her office and did it and it really helped to see to see him again and know that he was gone and have the signs explained. She also said then that she has never not found a heartbeat at this stage in pregnancy (I was glad she didn't tell me that at the office before).

Patrice also came in with the radiology report and let us read it, which pointed out the signs and said there was "fetal demise". She explained any terms we didn't know about. I thought it was really nice of her to show us that. She said someone showed her once and it really helped her.

They started inserting the pills every 4 hours, so I started them on May 31 at 3pm and had them until June 1 at 7am. At first it just caused contractions, but they weren't painful until later in the night. I am so glad that my husband, parents and 2 of my 3 sisters were there. It made the day go faster and made it easier not to focus on the terrible thing that was happening. My sister who is in New York for the summer even flew in last night and flew out today so she could be there for me at least for a little while. Our minister came by during the day and he had some words that really helped (I wish I could remember them now).

My parents and sisters left around 8:30 on Monday night and the evening was long and sad. I kept crying. I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I was offered a relaxant to help, which did a little and I slept for an hour or so during the night. My husband told me the next day that he went in the bathroom at 2am and broke down in there so that I could sleep.

The cramping got worse and worse over the night, but at first I wasn't anxious to have it finished because I wanted to keep my baby with me and hated the thought that he wouldn't be in me anymore, even though I knew he had already passed. I just rested my hand on my abdomen alot so that I wouldn't miss any time in being able to do that.

Around 6am the pain became really bad. Around 7 I asked for some pain medication and was given some morphine, which I think took the edge off, but the pain was so bad at that time that I don't think it did much. My doctor discovered that he was breech and said that can sometimes cause complications (it doesn't seem to have) and that I just wasn't getting any breaks. Just before 9am my doctor came in and said that I was ready so I got an IV. I didn't feel any pressure, but he came out in 2 pushes. She gave him to me to hold while she worked on getting the placenta out. It was uncomfortable, but I was so busy looking at the baby I wanted so badly that it didn't really register. I don't really remember the feel of the placenta coming out but I remember being told to push and I guess I did. I am so glad that I remember the feel of him coming out.

We spent about 3.5 hours with him, just holding him, loving him, giving him a bath. I never want to let him go. My family arrived and there was alot of tears and everyone held him. I told him how much I love him and want him and will never forget him. We have a lot of pictures.

I was being discharged at one and planned to come back to bring my other sister (from NY) to see him, so we wrapped him up in a soft receiving blanket and they put him in their fridge. By the time we got back with my sister, it was about 8pm. I actually went up to the nurses desk, none of whom I knew from my stay and said my name and "my baby is in your fridge". Afterwards I thought it odd that I worded it that way, but he was there and it just came out. They brought us to a private room where we spent about another 30 minutes with him. He looked worse, but I was so glad to see him again. We all held him again. I had some private time with him and told him again how much I love him, wanted him, would always miss him and never forget him and that he would always be my first baby that I had wanted for so long.

It was so hard to hand him away, knowing that I would never hold him again.

I can't believe he is gone. I thought I felt movement on Sunday and even Monday morning, but I guess not. I had felt hardening in my abdomen over the past few days, but I thought that the baby was just shifting around. Now that I have had painless contractions, I think that it was my uterus and not the baby at all.

Today was hard. I woke up at 5:30 and just lay in bed and cried. Looking at the time, remembering what was happening yesterday at this time. I'm glad I'm not in the pain I was anymore, but I was still so upset. At 9am, when he was born, I broke down again. I know he is in a better place. It looked like there were some amniotic bands around all of his limbs and it had already started to affect a few of them and who knows how much worse it would have gotten. I just wish my tiny little baby that we wanted so badly could have been healthy and lived. It just isn't fair. I know there is alot of unfairness in the world, but he didn't do anything to deserve anything bad. I just hope he didn't suffer and knew/knows how much we love him and how many people love him and were so excited about him.