The test results

My test was great! The shape of my uterus isn't very bad and my fallopian tubes are wide open. My OB joked that they are the best tubes she has seen all day. 

It has turned out to be a good day. Dr. A and I joked a bit when I first got into the xray room and talked about running into each other at Home Depot after Christmas.  

As I was lying on the table and she was starting the test, she said that her patients get so many worry beads a year and I have used mine up, I have had my share of sadness and this year will be my year and there will be m ore happiness than sadness this year. She was so sweet. She explained everything as it happened and it barely hurt...just a tiny pinch. I was shocked that it was done so soon. She said that it looks great and then I turned around and saw the screen. I didn't see a heart-shaped uterus. It was more like a banana, with the left side having a bit of a dip. She said again that I just had rotten luck last year. 

She said to go ahead and try again and I said that we were thinking about waiting until February but she said that the radiation won't affect anything and I asked about the dye and she said that it won't affect anything either and that it really depends on where our minds and hearts are. I asked if my body needed more rest and she said no, it should be good to go and not to waste an opportunity. Then she hugged me and left. 

I can't tell you how good I felt after the test. I walked through the hospital towards the car and was smiling and almost crying at the same time. I called Ted and he was so happy and relieved. Last night, he kept reaching over and touching my leg. I figured that he was worried about the test, but he didn't say anything. After I had the test, he said how worried he was and how relieved he is now. I had to stop at a store to pick an ingredient up for dinner and I saw the baby section. Normally I avoid it, or I go into it and feel terrible. This time I went and got something for my sister's baby and something for my friend's baby. I even got something for my future baby because it was just too cute to pass up. I haven't felt that positive in so long and it felt good. 

I picked up the requisition from my doctor's office before the test and it wasn't as hard to be there as it has been in the past. There were even pregnant women and mother's with their 6 week old babies there and I was fine. 

Since I got to the hospital 45 minutes early, I walked by the social work office and decided to see if the social worker who saw us when I was in labour was there. I told the first woman I saw who I wanted to see, but I didn't remember her name so I described her. She came out and I wasn't sure at first if it was her, but after a minute or so I was positive. I was in such shock the day I met her that I didn't remember her name...just that she had dark, curly hair. She took me into her office and seemed really interested and asked how I was and I said that things were better than they were and they get easier with time. Gradually she started to remember me more and I mentioned that Ted and I worked together and she said it was all coming back to her. I told her how it helped to know ahead of time that people would say the wrong thing and I told her what the grief was like in the beginning...that I couldn't eat, couldn't decide what to wear....it was terrible. And about the guilt I felt when I smiled and how I always had to tell myself, and sometimes still do, that Jacob wouldn't want me to be so sad. I told her that I've had 2 losses since then and that I was at the hospital for a test. She said maybe it will help me get pregnant again and I said that I have no trouble conceiving (in  my head I thought that I just have trouble making the babies live) and we laughed about that. I told her that I found alot of support online and she asked me to send her the resources I found so that she can pass them on. I also told her that she can give my name and number out to patients who lose a baby if she is allowed to and how I talked to someone in the first weeks after losing Jacob and it helped me to not feel so crazy. She said she would and she will give me the heads up first in case I didn't want to do it at the time. I said that I will always want to do it but it will be nice to know if a call might be coming. I told her about the friends that I have made since losing Jacob and she said how much it must help to have someone who has been through it too. 

We talked about my OB and she said that she really likes her, that she is real. What you see is what she is. I said how nice she has always been, how she hugged me and ran her fingers through my hair when I was in the hospital bed and how meaningful that was. When Lois moved to Oakville about 10 years ago, she called somewhere to find out which OB to see for her pregnancy and they said Dr. A or Dr. L. She ended up with Dr. L, but it was just a fluke and all of her dealings with Dr. A have been good. I have no reservations about Dr. A, but the odd person has asked if I am switching doctors. It is nice to hear from someone who knows Dr. A in another capacity and who has seen her in a lot of different situations.  She said a few times that I look really good now, much better than I did the day we first met. She said that I have to call her when I have my next baby and seemed excited about it. 

I feel a little on cloud 9 now. I think maybe we will try this month. If I get pregnant, the timing would be the same of Jacob which might make things a little harder. I think I conceived Jacob around Jan 20-21 last year and those dates are approaching fast. Imagine if I give birth to my next baby on or around Jacob's due date.

Ted and I haven't felt this happy since we found out I was pregnant with Cub. It is such a nice feeling. I feel like I have been given a new lease on life.