Friday, January 7, 2011

First New Year's Baby and other encounters

I was at my Mom and Dad's house last night and my Dad asked if I had looked at the local paper. I hadn't and he told me that there was something about the first New Year's  baby born at the hospital that Jacob was born at.....a baby boy born to a white mother and a black father (just like Jacob). He got me the paper and since I like to make myself miserable, I looked at the pictures and read the story. It didn't say who delivered the baby, but I ran into my OB at Home Depot a few days after Christmas and she said that she was working on New Year's Eve, so I'm pretty sure that she did.

That baby would only been 2 months gestation when Jacob was born. There was a picture of the baby and then a picture of the thrilled Mom and Dad and the big,  healthy, full-term baby in the hospital bed. Of course I stared at both pictures for awhile, thinking of how different our hospital picture is. A heartbroken Mom and Dad and a too small, dead baby boy. But a baby boy who was loved every second of his life and is loved every second that passes after his death.

I was in the subway yesterday at lunch and there was a woman with a baby girl in a stroller. Someone asked her how old her baby is and she said 3 months. Jacob would have been 3 months old in a week. I had to walk as far away from them as I could in the train and then stand at the door so that people wouldn't see how hard I was struggling not to cry. I also saw a facebook status the other day that my brother-in-law's sister posted. She had a baby boy 2 weeks after Jacob was due and said how hard it is too see your baby in pain while the baby is teething. I wish I knew how that felt.

With those 2 things happening yesterday, I got home and had a good cry.

Then today I finally got AF. Exactly 6 weeks after my miscarriage. I also started AF last year on January 7th, which was the start of the cycle that Jacob was conceived in.

So I had another huge cry tonight and I don't think I'm done for the night either. At least I have a needy little cat curled up in my lap who is trying to give me kisses with a rough little tongue.


Olivia's Mom said...

I'm sorry you had to endure all of that. Talk about a rough day. :( I feel for you though. I'm a glutton for punishment, too. I was looking at several blogs of childhood friends last night and saw how several of them now have kids the same age as what Liv would be and tortured myself with it all -- leading to no sleep.

Here's to wonderful pets that bring us comfort. I hope tomorrow brings some joy your way! :)

Violet1122 said...

Oh Dana.

I don't know why it is, but it seems like things like this happen right in a row with each other. I, too, wish I could know what teething is like.

I'm not sure if AF makes you feel relieved or more sad. I hope there is at least some part of you that is at peace with your body being "back on track".

Some nights are just made for tears. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

((Big Hugs))

Elaine said...

That's my biggest trigger right now, hearing other parents talk about their newborns, especially if they're complaining about them. It always irks me and makes me a mixture of sad and bitter.

Maggie said...

((((((HUGS))))) Hug that kitty, they always help.

biojen said...

I'm so sorry. Moments like those are so very hard. I've been trying hard to avoid those New Year baby photos. I also had a cycle mirror the one I conceived Aiden in. It was pretty hard so please be kind to yourself for the next few weeks. I hope you find some moments of peace in the coming weeks.

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry you had such a rough day. I hope that the weekend was relaxing for you and that you got some more good cuddles in from your kitty, aren't pets the best?? ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I felt the same way you did, looking at the happy family pic and reflecting on my family's sadness. Your Jacob and my Louise would be the exact same age.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog from Babycenter and wanted to say hi. I found out on February 8, 2010 that we were pregnant with our first, and we lost her in May. It's so hard. I also had an early miscarriage in August. Time helps heal, but I still have a hard time looking back at 2010 and believing I made it through. Just wanted to say hi, I like your blog, and you're not alone! : )

Drew's Parents said...

I didn't realize I hadn't commented on this post! I am sorry you experienced these triggers. :( The upcoming weeks are going to be hard, but I know that Jacob will be close to you....helping you through. And of course your kitties will be there needing and wanting lots of love. <3 <3 <3

Raquel said...

Oh how I really dislike days like this!! I hope you find some comfort in knowing that 2011 will be a new beginning for you.... sending lot of prayers your way!

Jessie said...

I couldn't help but chuckle a little out loud at "because I like to make myself miserable..." - I can just hear you saying that. Am I awful now?

That will be you and Ted this year with a new baby and Jacob's Teddy bear in the pictures. I know it.