Despite all of the tragedy we have been through in 2010...losing Jacob, then August, then Cub, I still feel fortunate in many ways. I miss Jacob desperately and my heart aches for him constantly, but I have been surrounded by so much love since his loss. Then we lost August, then we went on the 3 week journey of losing Cub....all of our hope and the little specks of joy we had had since losing Jacob quickly got lost. But the support we received got even stronger. I don’t know how I would have come so far without all of the baby loss Mom’s that I have met since June 1st, without the kind things my family and friends have said and done, and without my husband. Ted has supported me through everything. When I am sad, he lets me cry. He never tells me that I need to move on, he just tells me that his heart is breaking for me while mine feels shattered and he holds me. He doesn’t leave me home alone very often, because he knows I will start with the flashbacks and go downhill if he does. He tries to keep hope alive when I just can't seem to do it.
I have met so many wonderful women. I have never felt so accepted and supported by a group of women like I have by my baby loss friends. This Christmas I have received some wonderful cards and gifts from these women. Looking in the mailbox was the highlight of my day. The cards I received have so many beautiful messages in them and I have read each one several times, often crying each time...and then crying later on when I just thought about them.
|The cats had to get in on things. It was hard to get a picture|
without them walking across and knocking
the cards over.
Jessica contacted me and said she wanted to make me a dragonfly for my baby. When I said there were 3 of them, but just one dragonfly would be fine, she went ahead and made 3. I just knew they would be beautiful and they are. Each one has a baby’s name and date of birth on the first 2-3 beads of the body.
Each star of this ornament has the initial of each of my baby's first names. The back of the top star says "Forever" then the next star says "loved" and the next says "missed".
I bought this ornament for Jacob. I will buy one for him every year.
This was our tree before my family came over.
I was perfectly happy with the tree the way it was, above. It took me a long time to put the tree up, but I did it because Ted wanted it up, I wanted to hang the ornaments I received, the cats love it, and everyone was at my house for Christmas. I guess it looked a little empty (so my sister's said), but it seemed telling of our lives, which revolve around our babies who made up the most important part of 2010 and of our lives.
Here is the tree after my sister's decorated it. My only request was that Jacob's (and August and Cub's) ornaments stay where they were).
Thank you to everyone who made the holidays easier. Every little gesture, every card, every gift and every kind word and thought means the world to me and will never be forgotten.