Friday, January 28, 2011

She noticed...and other things

I've been wearing a necklace that I got a month after Jacob died and I rarely take it off. It is the shape of a heart with Jacob's name engraved on one side and baby feet on the other. It has a pearl on the chain, which is the birthstone for June.

Today at work, I was talking to Sheila. She suddenly noticed my necklace and held it to see his name and flipped it over to see the feet. She asked if I'd had it for long and I said I had it for awhile and rarely take it off. She said that it was making her teary (and I love her for that....she lost a baby at 12 weeks about 20 years ago, then had a baby who is now 17 and then lost 2 more early on).

I hadn't shown her my tattoo yet, so I did and she looked at it for awhile and said how nice it was. She loved the baby feet and the butterfly and seemed really touched by it. She asked if Ted has one and I said that he does and described it. Then we started talking about the butterfly and I explained that butterflies remind me of Jacob and told her about Jacob's one month anniversary when I was in the garden where he is buried and was really upset and crying. In my head, I asked Jacob to send me a butterfly so that I would know that he was OK. Within a minute, a monarch butterfly landed on the tree that he is buried under, flew and landed on the other side of it, then flew towards Ted and I...stopping a few times on the hedge as it did. It was a magical moment and has brought me a lot of comfort over the months. It gave Sheila chills, which I loved.

I also told her about the 2 times that Ben seemed connected to Jacob...when he put his finger on my necklace and said "baby in there" and the time that I was in the basement at his house and he was on the main floor and I thought I heard him calling my name. When I got upstairs, Laurie said that he had actually been calling Jacob's name...for no apparent reason.

Then Sheila and I talked about kids and how we think they can connect and can see and sense things we can't.

Her daughter was born at 34 weeks and had to be sent by ambulance to another hospital to get the level of care that she needed. Since Sheila had a c-section, she had to stay at the hospital where Alex was born while her husband went with Alex. They never showed Alex the pictures they took of her in the incubator because they didn't want her to know how traumatic her birth had been. Alex talked early and was speaking in sentences by the time she was 2. One night, when Sheila was putting her to bed, Alex asked Sheila if she remembered when they took her away from Sheila, put her in a bus with no seats that was loud (the ambulance) and she was in a glass case and then it got really bright (she was jaundiced and needed the lights). She gave some details that Sheila didn't even know about, but her husband confirmed later. They were both shocked by what Alex remembered.

A few minutes later, Sheila came back to my desk and said that she has wondered if the spirit of the baby that we have lost somehow comes back in a rainbow baby. I've been meaning to write about that. So when Sheila said that, I was surprised but happy that someone else wonders it too.

One more thing. The other night I was feeling sad. Not unusual of course. I started reading a Chicken Soup for the Soul Book on miracles before going to sleep and the first story was from a Mom of 4 whose son died in a car accident at 14. About a year later, she was going fishing with her daughter and noticed a whole bunch of white butterflies flying around her daughter. She said out loud that she would love to see a yellow butterfly to know that her son is OK. Then she and her daughter said it a few more times, asking her son to send them a yellow butterfly and soon after, a yellow butterfly flew right in front of them and then flew away quickly. It made me think back to the butterfly we saw on Jacob's 1 month birthday and it convinced me even more that it was a sign from Jacob and that he is OK. I was crying in bed by this point and told Ted about it and how it makes me feel like Jacob really is OK. He said that Jacob is definitely OK.

Today Ted took the day off work and went to the doctor. He told me when I got home that after he was done at the doctor's, he drove to the garden where Jacob is buried and sat there for awhile. I love that he went there without me instigating it. It brought tears to me eyes, but I didn't want Ted to see because I want him to tell me these things. Ted said he sat there thinking about the physical problems Jacob would have had, but that none of that mattered. He still wants Jacob back. We would have worked it all out and he would have had a good life. I just want Jacob back too.


Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful post.. I am so glad you write it. I feel as though a couple of the mammas have been writing lately about these connections.. and they constantly give me hope and peace.

It is so wonderful that you were able to talk to Sheila- her story about Alex is amazing.

I have heard from one of my best friends about how the spirits of babies are sometimes thought to come back to us as the next child.. and it all makes me wonder so very much.

Angela said...

This post is beautiful Dana. It makes me sad to think that babies can remember trauma like sweet Alex does, but it also makes me hopeful that Charlotte somehow remembers us and the day she was born.

Like Leslie I've had a few people mentioned that the spirits of babies come back as the next child. I don't know if I believe that, but it is a comforting thought.

The Wellman's said...

not only do i have chills i had tears the last two paragraphs. I am so happy that you two find strength in eachother, for many couple tragedy ends or makes a relationship go downhill. Jacob, August, and Cub will always be with you and I pray constantly that soon you will have a little one in your arms, one that carries all the strength of you, ted, jacob, august and cub, because I know they had the strength of you two and they are all three bringing it to you know.

I love the butterflies. The first day I finally left the house after my D&C, I was surrounded by bees. At first I was getting extremely MAD! But then it hit me...'little bee' which Calvin called the baby. I cry everytime I think of it. It was the first time I felt at 'ease' since. It has helped in so many ways. Once I realized it I looked down and saw the most amazing butterfly. Had the most gorgeous blue on it....of course it was dead. That didnt' bother me, I've never seen anything like it, it was almost another 'sign'. I finally felt relief.....I brought it home with me and it still sits in my curio cabinet.

Rhiannon said...

I love the butterfly story. It was definitely a sign from Jacob letting you know that he loves you and he is OK.

On the subject of rainbow babies, a good friend of mine told me once that she believes that Harper will choose the spirit of her brother or sister. I love that thought and I hope that it is true. It is just another way for us to feel close to our angels.

Thinking of you and sending love.

Maggie said...

What a beautiful post, those butterflies are amazing. :) XO

Elaine said...

It gave me chills to read that. I am a big believer in signs. I think God has a way of letting our loved ones or his angels communicate with us when we need it. There's been more than once that I've felt Blaine's presence. One time I was walking down the street and was particularly sad. Not only did I get chased playfully by a puppy but then a butterfly came along and flew right into my face, making me giggle. I'm glad your friend asked about your necklace. It's always nice when people do that and then you have an excuse to talk about Jacob!

Drew's Parents said...

Alex's story still gives me chills! I am so glad that Sheila has been so supportive and open about her own experiences. I wish all people would give us opportunities to talk about our babies. I wonder if we will still share our stories 20 years from now. I think we will...our healing will last a lifetime. Because Sheila is willing to share with you, her sweet babies lost so long ago are being thought about by you and all of your readers. I find that so amazing and hope that all of the spirit babies can feel the love that their parents and others have for them. Sending you big hugs!!