I've been wearing a necklace that I got a month after Jacob died and I rarely take it off. It is the shape of a heart with Jacob's name engraved on one side and baby feet on the other. It has a pearl on the chain, which is the birthstone for June.
Today at work, I was talking to Sheila. She suddenly noticed my necklace and held it to see his name and flipped it over to see the feet. She asked if I'd had it for long and I said I had it for awhile and rarely take it off. She said that it was making her teary (and I love her for that....she lost a baby at 12 weeks about 20 years ago, then had a baby who is now 17 and then lost 2 more early on).
I hadn't shown her my tattoo yet, so I did and she looked at it for awhile and said how nice it was. She loved the baby feet and the butterfly and seemed really touched by it. She asked if Ted has one and I said that he does and described it. Then we started talking about the butterfly and I explained that butterflies remind me of Jacob and told her about Jacob's one month anniversary when I was in the garden where he is buried and was really upset and crying. In my head, I asked Jacob to send me a butterfly so that I would know that he was OK. Within a minute, a monarch butterfly landed on the tree that he is buried under, flew and landed on the other side of it, then flew towards Ted and I...stopping a few times on the hedge as it did. It was a magical moment and has brought me a lot of comfort over the months. It gave Sheila chills, which I loved.
I also told her about the 2 times that Ben seemed connected to Jacob...when he put his finger on my necklace and said "baby in there" and the time that I was in the basement at his house and he was on the main floor and I thought I heard him calling my name. When I got upstairs, Laurie said that he had actually been calling Jacob's name...for no apparent reason.
Then Sheila and I talked about kids and how we think they can connect and can see and sense things we can't.
Her daughter was born at 34 weeks and had to be sent by ambulance to another hospital to get the level of care that she needed. Since Sheila had a c-section, she had to stay at the hospital where Alex was born while her husband went with Alex. They never showed Alex the pictures they took of her in the incubator because they didn't want her to know how traumatic her birth had been. Alex talked early and was speaking in sentences by the time she was 2. One night, when Sheila was putting her to bed, Alex asked Sheila if she remembered when they took her away from Sheila, put her in a bus with no seats that was loud (the ambulance) and she was in a glass case and then it got really bright (she was jaundiced and needed the lights). She gave some details that Sheila didn't even know about, but her husband confirmed later. They were both shocked by what Alex remembered.
A few minutes later, Sheila came back to my desk and said that she has wondered if the spirit of the baby that we have lost somehow comes back in a rainbow baby. I've been meaning to write about that. So when Sheila said that, I was surprised but happy that someone else wonders it too.
One more thing. The other night I was feeling sad. Not unusual of course. I started reading a Chicken Soup for the Soul Book on miracles before going to sleep and the first story was from a Mom of 4 whose son died in a car accident at 14. About a year later, she was going fishing with her daughter and noticed a whole bunch of white butterflies flying around her daughter. She said out loud that she would love to see a yellow butterfly to know that her son is OK. Then she and her daughter said it a few more times, asking her son to send them a yellow butterfly and soon after, a yellow butterfly flew right in front of them and then flew away quickly. It made me think back to the butterfly we saw on Jacob's 1 month birthday and it convinced me even more that it was a sign from Jacob and that he is OK. I was crying in bed by this point and told Ted about it and how it makes me feel like Jacob really is OK. He said that Jacob is definitely OK.
Today Ted took the day off work and went to the doctor. He told me when I got home that after he was done at the doctor's, he drove to the garden where Jacob is buried and sat there for awhile. I love that he went there without me instigating it. It brought tears to me eyes, but I didn't want Ted to see because I want him to tell me these things. Ted said he sat there thinking about the physical problems Jacob would have had, but that none of that mattered. He still wants Jacob back. We would have worked it all out and he would have had a good life. I just want Jacob back too.