Today was a hard day

Today was a really tough one. I'm not entirely sure why, aside from the obvious, but I don't know why today.  It seems like so long since we lost Cub, but it was still pretty recent. Tomorrow will be a month since my first ultrasound, when we got the first inkling that something was wrong. It has only been 1.5 weeks since I miscarried. I guess it makes sense that I was so sad today. It is a Tuesday too, but I didn't even think about that until tonight. Tuesdays used to hold such power over me.

I really miss being pregnant. My belly was starting to change shape with Cub, my pants were fitting differently. I really noticed it on the train on the way home tonight. I would have been 12 weeks on Thursday. Imagine that. I remember being 12 weeks with Jacob. I had my first ultrasound at 13 weeks and stared in amazement at the baby on the screen. My baby, my dream come true. I wanted that so desperately with Cub too.

I didn't wake up particularly sad this morning. I did have a dream with other pregnant women in it and I was sitting there, not pregnant but hoping I would be someday.

I got to work and the sadness swept over my body and took over my soul. I was always on the verge of tears, except for when I was actually crying. It was one of those things where I'd be sitting at my desk, having trouble getting anything done, and suddenly I'd be crying. I cried more than I didn't. My eyes would fill with tears instantly, my chest would heave and a few times I thought I might throw up from the pain.

Twice someone came up behind me and I had to turn around and talk to them, hoping that my eyes didn't look wet, that they couldn't tell that I had just made myself stop when they came over.

As always, I looked at Jacob's ultrasound picture. I just stared and stared and told him how beautiful he is and burst into tears again.

My sister came by to drop a key off. Then she did something that I will always remember. She pulled a Christmas ornament out of the bag she was carrying and gave it to me. Here it is:

I almost starting crying as soon as I saw it. I hugged Jessie and told her how much it means to me that she thought of Jacob. I kept wondering if anyone would and she really made my day by getting me this. She said she had been asking Mom if we were definitely putting up a tree. I've been having a lot of trouble doing that, but now that I have this ornament, I feel more like doing it.

When she left, I went to Ted's desk and showed him. He was really touched. We opened the box and noticed that it came with some stickers. There is the typical "My 1st Christmas" and "My 2nd Christmas" stickers. Then I saw one that says "Our Little Angel". Perfect.

Then I went to my friend Julie's desk and showed her. She hugged the box to her chest, which I thought was so sweet.

Once we got home tonight, I took the ornament out of the box and put the "Our Little Angel" sticker on the back of the star.

I also came home to a nice message from Carrie, who called after seeing my post on my other blog. Thank you Carrie, your call means alot to me.

I also went on the babycenter website today and had a message from another angel Mom. She sent it to a few of us and said that we have helped her, whether we know it or not, and she wants to do something for us. She is going to make us a beautiful dragonfly, maybe even one for each baby, and write each baby's name on it. We can hang it on the Christmas tree and/or hang it in a window. I'll do both.

I also had a wonderfully long email from my best friend.

I don't know how I would get through these times without my friends.

I'm not as bad tonight. In fact, I haven't cried at all tonight. Today I just couldn't wait to get home, collapse on the floor and sob. Maybe it is still to come.

I wish I could have put the "My 1st Christmas" sticker on that ornament.