Wednesday, December 1, 2010

6 months

Dear Jacob,

Today is 6 months since you were born and I held you in my arms. I don't understand how it is even possible. This anniversary is harder than the last 2. Six months seems so permanent somehow. In only 6 months from now, it will be a whole year since I held you. I don't even want to think about it. I hate that everyday is a day further away from you. 

6 months...26 weeks....180 days...4,382 hours (I took that from Carrie's blog, who is also facing a 6 month anniversary today). 

That is 180 mornings of waking up and facing the emptiness that you have left. That is 180 nights of going to bed and wishing that you were still here, looking at the ultrasound picture on my bedside table, saying goodnight to a picture instead of to the baby sleeping peacefully in my arms. 180 mornings and nights of you being my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I go to sleep. 4,382 hours of thinking about you. But I've been thinking about you since the minute I found out I was pregnant. Those were happy, hopeful, excited thoughts. Now they are all about losing you and worrying about you....are you happy, were you in pain when you died, did you die as I was walking around and you were being rocked in my belly or was I sleeping? I have a million questions that will never be answered. 

I've had alot of trouble facing this anniversary Jacob. You should be a month and a half old. I think of what I should be doing with you all the time. I think of your chubby little arms and legs that should be waving around, of how your Dad and I would be watching you all the time for your first smile, your first laugh....all the of the firsts that we will never get to see. 

Yesterday I was in a grocery store at lunch and started crying. It wasn't a sobbing cry, but it would have been if I hadn't been in public. I stood in the bakery section and I couldn't move. I forced myself too, but every step took so much effort and I didn't know where to go and what to do with myself. I needed to get something to eat, but I couldn't decide what. It was a decision that was just too hard. I wandered to a different section and stood there, staring at the shelves but not seeing anything. Seeing the people moving around me, but they were just blurs. I felt paralyzed with grief. I've felt that way before, but it hadn't been this bad in awhile. 

Today was a busy one, but I thought of you constantly. I cried when I first got to work. I had a few nice little surprises though. First was all the nice emails I got, the nice wall posts on facebook and knowing that others cared, others who know what I am going through. 

Now this doesn't seem like much, but I have been stressed out about Christmas shopping. I didn't know what to get people and I hate being in public because I see too many pregnant women and babies. I was looking through a paper and saw a special at The Bay for 2 good quality frying pans for 70% off. I went there and got one for each of my sisters, my parents, Ted's Mom and sister and your Dad and I. It seems trivial to write about shopping here, but getting those pans lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

Then some people who were supposed to stay for lunch at work, and for whom a catered lunch had been ordered, didn't stay. The person who ordered the lunch came to my department and told us all that we could go and eat it. Six of us, all women, went down and had a good lunch and a nice talk. I daydreamed through most of it, but it was nice to not have to go out, encounter any triggers and have to make any decisions.

I really wanted to spent the night doing things for you, but your Grandma was moving to Aunty Laurie's tonight, so I went there to help. I lit a candle for you before leaving the house, but it extinguished within seconds...just as you died way, way too soon. I cried the whole time I was driving to your Grandma's and even screamed a few times. I've done lots of silent screams since you died, but I haven't screamed out loud, unless it was in a pillow. Then I drove by your garden on the way. At first I just drove by and said that I love you. I drove about 5 minutes away and knew I needed to spend more time there, so I turned around, parked and stayed there awhile. I had a nice talk with you...crying the whole time of course. Just telling you I love you, asking if you have forgiven me, telling you how sorry I am and above all, how much I love you and miss you. 

Then I got to your Grandma's house, visited with Bill and Annemarie who had brought over dinner, and started the move. I dropped off Bill and Annemarie on the way to Laurie's. Since they live near the hospital, I decided to torture myself and drive by the maternity ward. I was going to turn in, but I saw that there was already a car in the pick up area and the guy was getting some stuff out of the trunk. I just couldn't take the risk of seeing anyone come out with a baby, so I drove by. 

None of your aunts or your Grandma said anything to be about this being your 6 month anniversary. Your Grandma might not know what the date is since she hasn't been going out because of her broken ankle, and maybe your aunts just don't know what to say. Or maybe none of them realize the significance of today. Will they think about you at Christmas? Just know that I will be thinking about you constantly that day. But I do that everyday anyway. It will kill me if no one says anything about you though.

I miss you so much. I feel like my eyes looked particularly sad today. When Mel got to work, she immediately asked if I was OK, so I guess I looked as bad as I felt. I'm glad of that. 

I don't know how to end this. I could write forever about what you mean to me, about how much you have changed my life, of how proud I am of you, of how happy I am to be your Mom. I just wish that you were in my arms. You will always, always be in my heart. 

I love you so, so much.



Angela said...

Happy 6 months in heaven, Jacob. Your mama loves and misses you very much.

Thinking of you, Dana.

car said...

Thinking of you and Jacob. I'm sorry that your family didn't remember that today was Jacob's 6 month anniversary.

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry the day was as hard as the past weeks have been. And equally as sorry that those closest didn't recongize the day for what it was. Very frustrating. I know those numbers are kind of daunting, but at the same time, we've survived that many days and hours. Who would have ever thought, I know I never did.
Sending you love and hugs,

Radiant Readhead said...

happy 6 month angelversary Jacob! this was a hard day for me, and it took me weeks to get over the 6 month! i am soooo sorry you had to be here instead of with your baby in your arms! Prayers and hugs your way!!

Violet1122 said...

6 months is such a permanent sort of anniversary. I'm sorry the day was so terrible (but, I guess that's to be expected). I'm especially sorry that your family didn't say anything about Jacob.

((Big Hugs))

Heather said...

Sending big, big hugs. 6 months is a hard one...

The Wellman's said...

Thinking of you...I know anniversaries are awful. I sometimes wish we could sleep right through them, but I know that still won't make it any easier. It's nice you have a spot (the garden) after our loss ....about 1 week later I thought I was going to smack someone I just needed 'out' so I walked about 4 blocks away (by the university) and found an AMAZING spot. It had a little sneak away with benches around, tons of trees, the pond, and was like 6 in the morning when I went there (coudn't sleep) I wanted to scream/cry and was able to do so's been my spot ever since. I'd love to raise some money to put a bench there dedicated to our little one before I graduate! One the way home I found a beautiful butterfly, which died....but it was and orange...I had to bring it home to show the was amazing...and also bees...bees would not leave me alone...then it dawned on me it was 'little bee' the nickname we called our little one...right there I felt so much ti was was amazing....but I needed that day more than anything.....

*sorry for mumbling on.....*

Elaine said...

6 months for me was tough too. It does seem more permanent and for me it was the whole "it's been half a year." I couldn't believe it. Blaine wasn't even with me for half a year and it was so strange to have him be gone for that long.

Rhiannon said...

I am so sorry, Dana. Reading this just breaks my heart hurts for you..for all of us. It is so unfair, we should have our babies with us. How I wish you had Jacob in your arms tonight.

I know that losing Little Cub is making this so much worse for you. Mine made my grief for Harper so much more fresh again. It is just so hard, it knocks the wind out of your already fragile state of being. I haven't screamed in a while either but I feel one coming on. I tend to do it in my car when I am driving.

I am thinking of you, Ted and your angels all the time. Love and hugs to you tonight and always...

Anonymous said...

Dana thinking of you through this time. Six months hit me the hardest, it does sink in that losing your little one is real.

Praying for peace.


Jennifer said...

I'm thinking of you and remembering Jacob with you. Lots love and hugs. <3

Lindsey said...

I'm thinking of you and your husband and Jacob today. I just found your blog and I have sat and read many of your posts, crying all the while. It has been nearly 5 years since I lost MY Jacob and tomorrow it will be 7 months since I lost my Ella. She would be nearly 3 months now had she lived. I fell your pain, I do, and I'm sorry that any of us have had to experience it at all.

Drew's Parents said...

I am sorry I have been MIA (well, you know why I have been missing...but still) for the past two weeks. I was thinking about you and Jacob on his 6 month angelversary. Six months is a hard one. How can it be half a year? I know that you long to hold him again. I wish somehow we could hold onto those moments forever. You write so beautifully about Jacob and what he means to you. He was a lucky little boy to have such two loving and adoring parents. I know is is so close to you, especially right now. I can imagine him whispering into your ear, I love you mommy. He does and he knows how much you love him. Thinking about you and your precious Jacob always! <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

Six months was really hard for me too. As hard as 1 month, possibly harder. I also know the hurt of not having family mention the day or my angel. Remember that no matter how alone you feel, there are other people with baby angels who will never forget your Jacob.
You and your family are in my prayers.