Today is 6 months since you were born and I held you in my arms. I don't understand how it is even possible. This anniversary is harder than the last 2. Six months seems so permanent somehow. In only 6 months from now, it will be a whole year since I held you. I don't even want to think about it. I hate that everyday is a day further away from you.
6 months...26 weeks....180 days...4,382 hours (I took that from Carrie's blog, who is also facing a 6 month anniversary today).
That is 180 mornings of waking up and facing the emptiness that you have left. That is 180 nights of going to bed and wishing that you were still here, looking at the ultrasound picture on my bedside table, saying goodnight to a picture instead of to the baby sleeping peacefully in my arms. 180 mornings and nights of you being my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I go to sleep. 4,382 hours of thinking about you. But I've been thinking about you since the minute I found out I was pregnant. Those were happy, hopeful, excited thoughts. Now they are all about losing you and worrying about you....are you happy, were you in pain when you died, did you die as I was walking around and you were being rocked in my belly or was I sleeping? I have a million questions that will never be answered.
I've had alot of trouble facing this anniversary Jacob. You should be a month and a half old. I think of what I should be doing with you all the time. I think of your chubby little arms and legs that should be waving around, of how your Dad and I would be watching you all the time for your first smile, your first laugh....all the of the firsts that we will never get to see.
Yesterday I was in a grocery store at lunch and started crying. It wasn't a sobbing cry, but it would have been if I hadn't been in public. I stood in the bakery section and I couldn't move. I forced myself too, but every step took so much effort and I didn't know where to go and what to do with myself. I needed to get something to eat, but I couldn't decide what. It was a decision that was just too hard. I wandered to a different section and stood there, staring at the shelves but not seeing anything. Seeing the people moving around me, but they were just blurs. I felt paralyzed with grief. I've felt that way before, but it hadn't been this bad in awhile.
Today was a busy one, but I thought of you constantly. I cried when I first got to work. I had a few nice little surprises though. First was all the nice emails I got, the nice wall posts on facebook and knowing that others cared, others who know what I am going through.
Now this doesn't seem like much, but I have been stressed out about Christmas shopping. I didn't know what to get people and I hate being in public because I see too many pregnant women and babies. I was looking through a paper and saw a special at The Bay for 2 good quality frying pans for 70% off. I went there and got one for each of my sisters, my parents, Ted's Mom and sister and your Dad and I. It seems trivial to write about shopping here, but getting those pans lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.
Then some people who were supposed to stay for lunch at work, and for whom a catered lunch had been ordered, didn't stay. The person who ordered the lunch came to my department and told us all that we could go and eat it. Six of us, all women, went down and had a good lunch and a nice talk. I daydreamed through most of it, but it was nice to not have to go out, encounter any triggers and have to make any decisions.
I really wanted to spent the night doing things for you, but your Grandma was moving to Aunty Laurie's tonight, so I went there to help. I lit a candle for you before leaving the house, but it extinguished within seconds...just as you died way, way too soon. I cried the whole time I was driving to your Grandma's and even screamed a few times. I've done lots of silent screams since you died, but I haven't screamed out loud, unless it was in a pillow. Then I drove by your garden on the way. At first I just drove by and said that I love you. I drove about 5 minutes away and knew I needed to spend more time there, so I turned around, parked and stayed there awhile. I had a nice talk with you...crying the whole time of course. Just telling you I love you, asking if you have forgiven me, telling you how sorry I am and above all, how much I love you and miss you.
Then I got to your Grandma's house, visited with Bill and Annemarie who had brought over dinner, and started the move. I dropped off Bill and Annemarie on the way to Laurie's. Since they live near the hospital, I decided to torture myself and drive by the maternity ward. I was going to turn in, but I saw that there was already a car in the pick up area and the guy was getting some stuff out of the trunk. I just couldn't take the risk of seeing anyone come out with a baby, so I drove by.
None of your aunts or your Grandma said anything to be about this being your 6 month anniversary. Your Grandma might not know what the date is since she hasn't been going out because of her broken ankle, and maybe your aunts just don't know what to say. Or maybe none of them realize the significance of today. Will they think about you at Christmas? Just know that I will be thinking about you constantly that day. But I do that everyday anyway. It will kill me if no one says anything about you though.
I miss you so much. I feel like my eyes looked particularly sad today. When Mel got to work, she immediately asked if I was OK, so I guess I looked as bad as I felt. I'm glad of that.
I don't know how to end this. I could write forever about what you mean to me, about how much you have changed my life, of how proud I am of you, of how happy I am to be your Mom. I just wish that you were in my arms. You will always, always be in my heart.
I love you so, so much.