Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 Recap

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Got pregnant, gave birth and buried my child. Got pregnant 2 more times, lost
both of those babies.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I don't remember what they were. Probably to not procrastinate as much. I still
procrastinate. Or it might be the grief that makes it hard to get things done.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few people at work, but I'm not that close to them. One of them had a baby
3 weeks before Jacob's due date. And of course a whole bunch of my new friends
that I have met since losing Jacob and have become close to.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My baby boy and two more babies lost through miscarriage.

5. What countries/states did you visit?
We went to Manhattan.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A living baby.

7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I think it is pretty obvious. They all involve my babies.
January 29/30 - When I started suspecting I was pregnant
February 7 - The day I found out I was pregnant with Jacob
April 9 - my first ultrasound with Jacob
May 3 - Heard Jacob's heartbeat with the doppler at my OB's office for
the first and last time.
May 11 - my birthday and the day I had some bleeding
May 12 - Went to the hospital because of bleeding, had ultrasound in the
ER and everything looked OK except a small sub-chorionic hemorrhage
May 13 - Had an ultrasound/anatomy at 17.5 weeks because of the bleeding.
Saw my little boy moving all around. Found out there was something wrong
with his foot.
May 17 - My second anatomy scan. Saw Jacob moving around everywhere.
Found out that there was something wrong with his hands in addition to his
foot and was really upset, little did I know what was to come. Referred to
Mount Sinai (appointment was June 7th...we didn't go as Jacob died before then).
May 31 - my 5 month prenatal appointment where I found out that Jacob died
June 1 - Gave birth to my little boy
June 18 - Buried our sweet boy's ashes in the memorial garden next to the
church we were married in.
July 13 - 6 week post-partum appointment
August 20 - Had unexpected bleeding and discovered I was pregnant. A week of
uncertaintly followed as we waited to find out if my hcg level was rising or falling
(it was falling)
August 31 - Got possession of our new house.
October 14 - Found out I was pregnant again, on Jacob's due date.
November 8 - First ultrasound at 7.5 weeks. No baby could be seen. We hoped
it was because my uterus was tilted.
November 17 - second ultrasound, again no baby found
November 26 and 27 - After waiting a week to miscarry, decided to take
misprostal. Started on the evening of November 26th and finished the major
stuff the evening of November 27th. Little Cub officially miscarried at 10 weeks,
but most likely died shortly  after conception.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying sane, staying alive.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The first thing that came to mind was letting my babies die, but I know it wasn't
really my fault, that I did everything I could, etc.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Do depression and grief count? I did have the flu and 6 weeks of morning (all day)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new house, I guess. We bought the house because we thought we would have
a baby  to raise in it. We are still glad we did it, but one of those rooms should
be a nursery and it isn't.

The other top things would be things to remember Jacob by, like the teddy bear.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All of my family and friends who stepped up and let me know that I'm not alone.
Those who didn't stop talking to us because they didn't know what to say
after Jacob died.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone at work and the people who said they would be there for us, that
they would keep calling etc and didn't.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The new house.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby. We got excited about that twice this year. I would say 3 times,
but we didn't know I was pregnant with August until I was already losing August.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Wavin' Flag by K'naan. In my first trimester, I heard this song when we were
driving around  on the weekends. I was emotional and it made me cry
everytime because it made me think of the starving, opressed children in the
world. I haven't been able to listen to the song since  Jacob died because it
reminds me of being in that happy place when I was still pregnant.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
a) happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) fatter or thinner? Thinner, I think, although I feel a little thicker around
the middle. Lately people have been telling me that I really need to gain weight.
I don't really see it though.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Rested my hand on my belly when I was pregnant. I know I did it alot, but I
think I could have done it more. I also wish that I had looked at Jacob's body
more and lay him on my chest. So many more things I wish I had done with him,
or done them for longer.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I could say grieving, but that wouldn't be totally true. I guess it would have
been nice to be sad a little less, but part of me still wants to be sad. I guess
I wish that I'd done less of feeling guilty for not saving him. There was no way
I could have saved him so I wish that I felt less guilty about failing him and
letting people down.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family and with Jacob on my mind constantly. Ted and I went to
the garden where his ashes are buried in the afternoon and planted a rose
where his ashes are.

21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
In real life, I met Elaine, Blaine's mom.
Just over the internet, so many baby loss Mom's and I am so grateful to
have met them.  I have talked on the phone to a few of them.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I did, with Jacob. And with my husband all over again. I will never understand
how he managed to be so strong for me when he lost his baby too.

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Hard to say because I haven't watched much TV since losing Jacob. The olympics stood out to me this year because I love watching them in general and I watched them when I was pretty nauseous, so they remind me of Jacob. Some shows I've watched this year are Dexter, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, MI5 and Alias. I don't know when anything is on TV though, so I only watch it if I happen to notice it when it starts. I always used to know when my favourite shows were on. 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I am pretty close to hating one person. Maybe I do hate that person.

26. What was the best book you read?
"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken....
about losing a baby of course.  I also read "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart"
a week after losing Jacob and it made me feel less crazy.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Baby loss songs. I don't listen to them very often though because they put
me in a downward spiral.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get pregnant and I did. But by wanting to get pregnant, I wanted
to take that baby home with me and I didn't get that. Then I wanted to get
pregnant again, and I did, but that also didn't have a happy ending.

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted, I want, Jacob in my arms. Since that didn't work out, I would like to
still be pregnant with Cub.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
No idea. I remember going to see Inception in the summer, but I could barely
concentrate on anything for 5 minutes at a time, much less 2.5 hours. I also
saw Avatar before Jacob died, but I wouldn't call either film one of my favorites.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35 . I went to work, Jessie took me out for lunch and gave me
some maternity tops and then Ted took me to East Side Mario's for dinner.
I started bleeding there, so I spend the rest of the night full of anxiety and fear.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think the answer is pretty obvious. I would have felt immeasurably more
satisfied if Jacob had lived.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pretty much the same as it has always been, with some maternity pants
thrown in there and then taken out again. There were times when I
couldn't figure out what to wear because it was just too big of a decision,
so Ted had to pick out clothes for me.

34. What kept you sane?
Ted, my babyloss Mom friends, my family and the need to keep Jacob's
memory alive and do something good in his name.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I didn't pay much attention to politics.

37. Who did you miss?
Jacob, Cub and August.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I found out just how true
that is this year.  


Drew's Parents said...

Thanks for sharing this, Dana <3 I used to fill these out all of the time. Like you and other baby loss mommies, most of my answers will somehow involve my baby! I smiled when I read your accomplishment...I smiled because it is so true! It feels like a miracle that we made to the end of the year with our wits still about us! I absolutely agree with the valuable life lesson too. Sending you big hugs today <3 <3 <3

Violet1122 said...

Isn't it amazing how your little babies - no matter how briefly you carried them - impacted you life?

It's proof that they existed, they matter, there is real love between you and your children, and you will always carry them in your heart.

I'm hoping 2011 brings you peace and joy.

Thinking of you often...

Jessica said...

I agree with Violet1122 - it's amazing how briefly in the span of our lives are babies were with us and how hugely they effected our lives!

You have such a huge love for your babies and I know they look down on their momma with lots of love every single day!

You are always in my thoughts... Much love to you! <3