Sunday, December 19, 2010

Always with me

I finally did it. I love it, it is exactly how I have pictured it since June. The last few days the desire to get a tattoo has gotten even stronger and today I knew that I had to do it before Christmas. We took a chance and went to the tattoo place to see if it could be done today and they had a few cancellations.  It was worth the pain (and it sure did hurt). I got it on my left ankle because it was Jacob's left leg that was affected by the amniotic bands. 


I feel like the open wound that I have been walking around with has healed just a tiny bit, for today anyway. The big gaping hole that Jacob left has gotten a tiny bit smaller.  I had no idea that getting a tattoo would make me feel that way.

After getting the tattoo, we went downtown to the garden to visit. I starting crying as soon as I walked in the garden, talking to Jacob in my head and telling what I did today, just because of him and just for him. Looking at the spot where he is buried....it just looks so empty, especially since there aren't any flowers there now and there aren't any leaves on the tree.



As Ted and I walked away, Ted said how hard it is to go there, how hard the whole situation is. It sure is.....

Then we went to work on the original mission of the day, to find a bear to represent Jacob in our family pictures. We really wanted to get the bear before Christmas. I am going to knit a sweater for the bear (maybe it is a bit ambitious considering how busy the week is going to be) with a "J" on the chest. We went to 10 stores before we found it. There were some that were close, but they weren't perfect. We both loved this one as soon as we saw it. 





9 comments:

The Wellman's said...

I love this post. Between the garden, the bear, and your idea for pictures, and the amazing tattoo...what an amazing way to have Jacob with you!

car said...

That`s so great that you could just walk in and get your tattoo done right away (I`m glad my complaining didn`t scare you out of getting it done). It`s beautiful.

And the bear is so sweet.

Angela said...

I love it! You and car are tempting me ... your tattoos are so beautiful. I love the bear too, and the sweet garden where Jacob is buried.

Melissa said...

Beautiful tattoo Dana, love it! <3

Violet1122 said...

Oh Dana! The tattoo is just beautiful! I love it - love it!

The bear is so cute - I think it's a wonderful idea to have it in the pictures.

Thinking of you and Jacob and your babies always...

Courtney said...

this whole post makes me tear up. I just love the tattoo, it felt the same way for us when we got our tattoos for the twins. We are waiting for tax return time to get ours for Wyatt.

Love & hugs my friend

Shanna said...

Dana, that is such a perfect tattoo. I love it! I can't wait until I can get one of my own...someday. Even with no leaves on the tree, that garden is so beautiful and serene. It's not fair that Jacob has to be there instead of with you for the holidays but I'm glad you found a representaion of him to put in your pictures. It is such a cute bear!

Jill said...

Such a lovely tattoo!! If you knit a sweater for the bear I hope that you will post pictures!

Danae said...

I love your tattoo Dana! And the bear is absolutely perfect for Jacob...just perfect. Such a special bear for a special little boy.

Sending you my love!!