I have been longing to feel Jacob’s presence. I have read other Mom’s blogs and they talk about how they feel their baby close and I have been longing for the same thing. Once in a while I would feel a different feeling in my chest. I can’t really describe it, but it was different and would last for only a few seconds. I wondered if that was the feeling that I should somehow know was Jacob telling me he is near me.
I went to my Mom’s house last night and on the way there and back, I talked to Jacob about this. Especially on the way back. I apologized to him in case he has been with me and I haven’t sensed it. What kind of mother does that? I cried a little and told him how much I miss him, how much I love him…the things I usually say to him. I asked him if he could send me a sign so that I would know that he is with us.
I got home and talked to Ted for a few minutes. I haven’t talked to him about my latest struggle to feel Jacob near. As we were talking, Ted started rubbing his tattoo of Jacob’s name and said that all the letters were raised, as were the little feet. I came over and felt it and sure enough they were raised enough that I could trace the writing with my fingers with my eyes closed. I told Ted about longing to feel Jacob near, holding back the tears as I did. Ted said his tattoo does that sometimes, for no reason he can think of. He isn’t cold or anything like that. I think it is from our boy.
I went upstairs and got in the shower and cried so hard I could barely breathe. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. My wound is wide open. I just miss my boy so much. But I am so thankful he sent me the sign I have been looking for.
I felt bad for crying. This happened to make me happy, and I was so sad. But happy too. But sad that I need signs to feel him near, instead of just picking him up and cuddling him.