Thursday, December 16, 2010

A sign

I have been longing to feel Jacob’s presence. I have read other Mom’s blogs and they talk about how they feel their baby close and I have been longing for the same thing. Once in a while I would feel a different feeling in my chest. I can’t really describe it, but it was different and would last for only a few seconds. I wondered if that was the feeling that I should somehow know was Jacob telling me he is near me.

I went to my Mom’s house last night and on the way there and back, I talked to Jacob about this. Especially on the way back. I apologized to him in case he has been with me and I haven’t sensed it. What kind of mother does that? I cried a little and told him how much I miss him, how much I love him…the things I usually say to him. I asked him if he could send me a sign so that I would know that he is with us.

I got home and talked to Ted for a few minutes. I haven’t talked to him about my latest struggle to feel Jacob near. As we were talking, Ted started rubbing his tattoo of Jacob’s name and said that all the letters were raised, as were the little feet. I came over and felt it and sure enough they were raised enough that I could trace the writing with my fingers with my eyes closed. I told Ted about longing to feel Jacob near, holding back the tears as I did. Ted said his tattoo does that sometimes, for no reason he can think of. He isn’t cold or anything like that. I think it is from our boy.

I went upstairs and got in the shower and cried so hard I could barely breathe. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. My wound is wide open. I just miss my boy so much. But I am so thankful he sent me the sign I have been looking for.

I felt bad for crying. This happened to make me happy, and I was so sad. But happy too. But sad that I need signs to feel him near, instead of just picking him up and cuddling him.

9 comments:

mommy4boys said...

Sending you love throughout this season. Thinking of you all the time.

Tiffany said...

you should never feel bad for crying. your heart is acknowledging that someone important is gone. so if that's what you need to do to get through that moment - do it. ♥
i also struggle with feeling my baby boy's presence. i think because the grief is so overwhelming, it may take longer for us to be open to them being there. but once we are able to breathe a little i think we will be able to sense them all the time. sending you lots of hugs...

Angela said...

I'm glad you felt Jacob close to you last night. I agree, it would be so wonderful if you could pick him up and snuggle with him. I love the idea that the raised letters and little feet on Ted's tattoo is Jacob's way of saying hello. I'm sorry you're so sad. Thinking of you and your babies.

Courtney said...

=*(
I want to feel the boys presence as well. I have felt the twins, but not Wyatt yet. It kills me.

I wish all of our boys were here with us.

*hugs* my dear friend.

Elaine said...

Don't feel bad for crying, it's much worse to hold the tears in. And Jacob would understand you're need to be sad and to miss him. I like to think I don't get a lot of signs or feelings that Blaine is near because he is always near. It has just been my new norm. He's always here with me so I don't notice a change.

Drew's Parents said...

Oh, Dana! I am so glad that Jacob sent you a sign. What a special way to do it too! It makes me think even more so that he is watching over his mommy and daddy and holding the both of you close. <3 I wonder if that heavy cry was a big release of all of the grief over Jacob that was made so much more raw with the loss of little Cub. Jacob is such a precious little angel. I am thinking about him today and sending you big big hugs and lots of love as always!

Jennifer said...

Jacob is watching over you and your husband. He's giving you strength and sending you lots of love and hugs. Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

Rhiannon said...

What a precious sign from your sweet boy. I agree, I wish we didn't need these signs and that we could just snuggle with out little ones to feel them near.

I agree with Allison about the rawness brought back to the surface with the loss of Cub. I know for me, the loss of our second angel brought back the absolute raw grief that I had experienced in the beginning. I felt like I had been hit by a car and I couldn't breathe. I hope that you find some relief soon.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love.

Violet1122 said...

I know exactly what you mean about waiting for a sign - that's where I got the title for my blog!

I'm thinking of you so much - and I'm hoping you will have more instances of feeling your little babies near to you.

Sending lots of love and hugs...