Regrets

I have many regrets. Too many to count. Last night a new one came up. I thought I had already thought of them all.

I was lying in bed on my back and looking at my belly and remembering what it looked like with Jacob in it. Regret overwhelmed me that I didn't take any pictures of my belly when I was lying down. The outline of my uterus was so clear. I looked at it so often. But I never took a picture of it. Not one.

I told Ted what I was thinking and started crying. He said that I didn't expect Jacob to die so I didn't take the pictures. I didn't expect him to die, but why didn't I take the pictures just to document the pregnancy? What was wrong with me? Why didn't I do it? I enjoyed looking at my belly so much, but I didn't take one picture of it while lying down.

I can still remember what it looked and felt like, but how long will I remember?

Name on the street

Ted and I go for a walk most nights after dinner. The other night, I noticed that part of the sidewalk on our street had been replaced and the cement was still wet enough to do this:

Taken a few days after Ted wrote it

It is about halfway between our house and my sisters house. I like that we'll see it every time we walk to visit each other.

A good conversation and some news

My sister Jessie was at the cottage last week with my parents. She told me about a conversation they had which had made me feel good.


They were sitting around talking about who should sleep in what room when we are all supposed to go up in a few weeks. My Mom said that Ted and I would want the butterfly room (called that because of the butterfly wallpaper) because we like butterflies. My Dad said that he wasn't sure if it would make us too sad. My Mom said that we want to talk about Jacob, we like it, and we like when other people do too.
At some point, my Mom said that Jacob would be almost 9 months old. I didn't know that she has been keeping track and it means a lot to me that she knows how old he would be right now.


My Mom called me the other day and said that she got me an umbrella because it has butterflies on it. She didn't know if I would want it or not, but I do, if only for the thought she put into buying it.


I found out for sure that I am pregnant today (I've written more about it on my other blog). My fourth pregnancy. We are overjoyed. The fear hasn't totally set in yet and I am fine with that. I know everything that can go wrong, but if it isn't dominating my thoughts, I am happy. I've talked to Jacob a bit more today, thanking him mostly.


We went to Costco today to get more pregnancy tests (4 Clearblue tests for $19!) and I was looking at sleepers. I found a 9 month size one and quickly laid it on my chest, as if a baby was wearing it, his head was resting on my shoulder. I wanted to see how big Jacob would probably be. I did it all really quickly because I didn't really want anyone to wonder what I was doing. We have missed out on so much and we will always be missing out. But we are in a better place than we were last month at this time and we are grateful for that.

An article about a man's perspective of babyloss

http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/dealing-with-the-loss-of-a-child-a-mans-perspective/

His absence is everywhere

Today is 13 months since he was born. A year ago today, we went to the garden where he is buried. I was crying and, in my head, asked him to send me a butterfly to tell me he is ok. Within 2 minutes, a monarch flew down onto the tree he is buried under. It flew to the other side of the tree. Then it flew towards Ted and I, landing 2 or 3 times on the hedge as it made its way towards us. It was amazing and I will never forget it.

We went to a Canada Day celebration at Bronte Harbour after with my parents, sister and nephew. Thinking back, I don't know why we were there. There were pregnant women and babies and families everywhere. We decided not to go this year. Perhaps we will head down there around 10pm to see the fireworks. It should be "safer" then.

Last year I got this henna tattoo at the Canada Day celebration. I had been thinking of a tattoo for weeks, but thought a temporary one would help me decide.

It is very similar to the permanent one that I got on December 19, 2010.

Today we were talking about the dark, dark place we were in last year, how raw the grief was. I couldn't even picture a year ahead and here we are.

Today we went to a Celebration of Life/Memorial service for my aunt's mother, who passed away in March. It was a nice service, with a drum circle at the end. I was OK for awhile, but when my sister arrived with my nephews, Jacob's absence became more pronounced. My aunts, uncles and cousins had only seen pictures of Daniel up until today, so they all looked at him, talked to him....the usual things people do with babies. All I could think of was that I should have been holding Jacob. He would be 8.5 months old. He should have been there.

I didn't know if anyone noticed my tattoo. On the way home, I found out that my Dad's cousin did notice it. She was standing beside my Dad, looked at the tattoo and said "Jacob". I don't think she said anything else (I wasn't standing with them at the time), but it makes me feel good that she noticed it.

I found this poem in the paper today, in the Memoriam section of the newspaper. It is for a 15 year old girl from her siblings:

So many things have happened,

Since you were called away,

So many things to share with you,

Had you been left to stay,

Every day in some small way,

Memories of you come our way,

Though absent, you are ever near,

Still missed, loved, and always dear.

It is how we feel, everyday.

We went to the Canada Day fireworks tonight.  I was ok at first, but got more depressed as it went on and I looked forward to them ending. We saw lots of families, babies in strollers and pregnant women. Maybe that did it. It usually does. Or maybe it was knowing that Jacob should have been there with us. We probably wouldn't have even brought him for the fireworks this year as they are so loud.

We miss him so much.

Almost a good day

Yesterday was an ordinary day. I was at a Media and Public Relations Summit during the day. I met new people, I checked blogs, I emailed. I went to the Recurrent Loss and Infertility support group at night. But all day, I felt good. I thought about Jacob. I touched my necklace a little more often than I usually do, but I didn't have any moments of just being sad.

Halfway through the day, I realized that I hadn't thought about Jacob in about an hour and I didn't feel guilty about it. I talked to him a little then, about how it is the natural progression of things and how it doesn't mean that I don't miss him all the time.

There were 3 of us at the support meeting at night, the leader and another babyloss Mom, D,  who is struggling with fertility. D said that I look good, better than they have seen me (I met them in April) and I told them that that day was the closest thing to a good day that I have had since May 30, 2010. I almost felt like my old self and I have forgotten what that feels like.

I think sometime in the past 3-5 weeks, I've reached acceptance. I realized that I no longer fight against it anymore, that I haven't even thought about acceptance in the past few weeks. It just happened and I didn't know it. Maybe it was Jacob's first birthday passing. We have also passed the one year anniversary of the day he was buried, so all the firsts are done.

Maybe it is because I am hopeful for this cycle. I feel like there is a chance it might actually work this time and I might be pregnant now. The hope has definitely helped me lately. I'll know a week from Friday.

All this being said, Jacob is still on my mind most of the time. I still sleep with his blanket, I still talk to him in my head and I still look at his picture every day. I still think of how old he should be and how different our lives should be. Today I saw 2 mom's in the bookstore pushing their babies in their strollers and I was jealous. I should be going out with my Mom friends with our babies.

He will always, always be missing. I think of my 2 nephews and of how close in age they should all be. Ben just turned 3. Jacob should be 8.5 months and Daniel is almost 2 months old. They would have grown up together, they would have known each other so well. When I see Ben and Daniel, I imagine Jacob there too and how they would all be interacting.

I had a breakthrough last week. Laurie dropped by with Ben and Daniel for a visit. Ben was eating berries and needed his face washed. Laurie asked if I wanted to wash his face or hold the baby while she did it.  Because I'm being ridiculously careful about lifting anything, I said I would hold the baby. He stared at me and I stared at him.  I've known him since he was 3 hours old, yet I was a new face because I haven't held him much yet. I spoke to him like I used to speak to babies. But I didn't cry. I didn't feel like crying either. I thought of Jacob the whole time, wondering what it would have been like to hold him in my arms, but I still didn't cry, even after they left.

I'll just see where this goes. Yesterday was better than today. Today wasn't bad, just not as good as yesterday.

Jacob's video

On Jacob's first birthday, Ted spent some time on the computer and then surprised me with a slideshow of the time we had with Jacob and the year after his birth, set to the Irie version of Tears in Heaven. I loved it and we watched it a few times that day (and I cried each time, of course). It gave me the idea to do a video that I could post here.

It was one year ago today that we buried Jacob's ashes in the Memorial Garden beside the church we were married in. I still can't believe it has been so long since we last held him in our arms.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This morning we went to the infertility clinic (where we got good news and bad news). Then we went by my good friend's shop and we had a really good talk. I always feel better after seeing her.

Then we went to downtown Oakville and went to the garden. The flowers had been planted, the tree trimmed and it was beautiful. We both said that we don't feel the heavy, heavy sadness that we often feel when going there.  Then I felt guilty about that and worried that Jacob would somehow know and feel bad. Ted pointed out that I was at the garden, so he would know that I still care even if I wasn't crying and feeling devastated while there. 

Then we went to a store that I've been wanting to go to for awhile and found this:

I have been looking for something like this for awhile and this was just perfect.