Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Regrets

I have many regrets. Too many to count. Last night a new one came up. I thought I had already thought of them all.

I was lying in bed on my back and looking at my belly and remembering what it looked like with Jacob in it. Regret overwhelmed me that I didn't take any pictures of my belly when I was lying down. The outline of my uterus was so clear. I looked at it so often. But I never took a picture of it. Not one.

I told Ted what I was thinking and started crying. He said that I didn't expect Jacob to die so I didn't take the pictures. I didn't expect him to die, but why didn't I take the pictures just to document the pregnancy? What was wrong with me? Why didn't I do it? I enjoyed looking at my belly so much, but I didn't take one picture of it while lying down.

I can still remember what it looked and felt like, but how long will I remember?

6 comments:

Becky said...

That is a huge regret of mine also. I took one picture of my belly and that is when I found out I was first pregnant. People kept telling me to take more but I figured I would wait till I showed more. Then I was going to have the surgery and figured I'll start taking them weekly after that since I would be over 26 weeks. Never got the chance to take anymore and I hate it that I have no close ups of my belly with him in it. So many regrets:(

Searching for Serenity said...

We have so few memories to hang on to. Having pictures would be just one more thing.

I don't have any pictures of myself when I was pregnant with Xander and I regret it every day.

The Wellman's said...

Something to do with this one for sure! I know I was that way with Calvin...here he is ten years old, and I was young and dumb. No fat pictures I said....so stupid! I regreted that daily, as you can tell with Molly pictures were everywhere! Now I regret not telling Drew off and having a photographer in the room with us for the special time of Molly mom and dad. :( we don't have a picture of us three when she was on my chest :( :( Next time it will be that way!!!

Elaine said...

I didn't take any photos when I was pregnant with Blaine. There are two that Abby took of me sitting on the bench at the park the week before he died. I too regret it but we can't let these thoughts get us down. We did the best with could for our babies. Even if we had taken a photo daily it would still not be enough and we would be regretting something else.

crystal theresa said...

like Elaine said, I'm starting to think that matter how much we do (to document, to remember, to honor), it will still never be enough. And I'm sure we'll always find something new. Someday, i hope, these regrets hit us more softly and the sting of it softens to a longing... something that is easier to carry.

MrsH said...

I had the chance to take two iphone pictures of my belly while I was in the hospital with my son Adrian, knowing that chances were overwhelming that I would lose him. He was stillborn at 20w2d. I do love those photos, but what I love more was remembering how close I felt to him, and how much I felt like his mother. That gives me peace, knowing that I loved him. You will always have that, even if the belly image disappears, which I don't think it will by the way.