His absence is everywhere

Today is 13 months since he was born. A year ago today, we went to the garden where he is buried. I was crying and, in my head, asked him to send me a butterfly to tell me he is ok. Within 2 minutes, a monarch flew down onto the tree he is buried under. It flew to the other side of the tree. Then it flew towards Ted and I, landing 2 or 3 times on the hedge as it made its way towards us. It was amazing and I will never forget it.

We went to a Canada Day celebration at Bronte Harbour after with my parents, sister and nephew. Thinking back, I don't know why we were there. There were pregnant women and babies and families everywhere. We decided not to go this year. Perhaps we will head down there around 10pm to see the fireworks. It should be "safer" then.

Last year I got this henna tattoo at the Canada Day celebration. I had been thinking of a tattoo for weeks, but thought a temporary one would help me decide.

It is very similar to the permanent one that I got on December 19, 2010.

Today we were talking about the dark, dark place we were in last year, how raw the grief was. I couldn't even picture a year ahead and here we are.

Today we went to a Celebration of Life/Memorial service for my aunt's mother, who passed away in March. It was a nice service, with a drum circle at the end. I was OK for awhile, but when my sister arrived with my nephews, Jacob's absence became more pronounced. My aunts, uncles and cousins had only seen pictures of Daniel up until today, so they all looked at him, talked to him....the usual things people do with babies. All I could think of was that I should have been holding Jacob. He would be 8.5 months old. He should have been there.

I didn't know if anyone noticed my tattoo. On the way home, I found out that my Dad's cousin did notice it. She was standing beside my Dad, looked at the tattoo and said "Jacob". I don't think she said anything else (I wasn't standing with them at the time), but it makes me feel good that she noticed it.

I found this poem in the paper today, in the Memoriam section of the newspaper. It is for a 15 year old girl from her siblings:

So many things have happened,

Since you were called away,

So many things to share with you,

Had you been left to stay,

Every day in some small way,

Memories of you come our way,

Though absent, you are ever near,

Still missed, loved, and always dear.

It is how we feel, everyday.

We went to the Canada Day fireworks tonight.  I was ok at first, but got more depressed as it went on and I looked forward to them ending. We saw lots of families, babies in strollers and pregnant women. Maybe that did it. It usually does. Or maybe it was knowing that Jacob should have been there with us. We probably wouldn't have even brought him for the fireworks this year as they are so loud.

We miss him so much.