Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Almost a good day

Yesterday was an ordinary day. I was at a Media and Public Relations Summit during the day. I met new people, I checked blogs, I emailed. I went to the Recurrent Loss and Infertility support group at night. But all day, I felt good. I thought about Jacob. I touched my necklace a little more often than I usually do, but I didn't have any moments of just being sad.

Halfway through the day, I realized that I hadn't thought about Jacob in about an hour and I didn't feel guilty about it. I talked to him a little then, about how it is the natural progression of things and how it doesn't mean that I don't miss him all the time.

There were 3 of us at the support meeting at night, the leader and another babyloss Mom, D,  who is struggling with fertility. D said that I look good, better than they have seen me (I met them in April) and I told them that that day was the closest thing to a good day that I have had since May 30, 2010. I almost felt like my old self and I have forgotten what that feels like.

I think sometime in the past 3-5 weeks, I've reached acceptance. I realized that I no longer fight against it anymore, that I haven't even thought about acceptance in the past few weeks. It just happened and I didn't know it. Maybe it was Jacob's first birthday passing. We have also passed the one year anniversary of the day he was buried, so all the firsts are done.

Maybe it is because I am hopeful for this cycle. I feel like there is a chance it might actually work this time and I might be pregnant now. The hope has definitely helped me lately. I'll know a week from Friday.

All this being said, Jacob is still on my mind most of the time. I still sleep with his blanket, I still talk to him in my head and I still look at his picture every day. I still think of how old he should be and how different our lives should be. Today I saw 2 mom's in the bookstore pushing their babies in their strollers and I was jealous. I should be going out with my Mom friends with our babies.

He will always, always be missing. I think of my 2 nephews and of how close in age they should all be. Ben just turned 3. Jacob should be 8.5 months and Daniel is almost 2 months old. They would have grown up together, they would have known each other so well. When I see Ben and Daniel, I imagine Jacob there too and how they would all be interacting.

I had a breakthrough last week. Laurie dropped by with Ben and Daniel for a visit. Ben was eating berries and needed his face washed. Laurie asked if I wanted to wash his face or hold the baby while she did it.  Because I'm being ridiculously careful about lifting anything, I said I would hold the baby. He stared at me and I stared at him.  I've known him since he was 3 hours old, yet I was a new face because I haven't held him much yet. I spoke to him like I used to speak to babies. But I didn't cry. I didn't feel like crying either. I thought of Jacob the whole time, wondering what it would have been like to hold him in my arms, but I still didn't cry, even after they left.


I'll just see where this goes. Yesterday was better than today. Today wasn't bad, just not as good as yesterday.

12 comments:

LauraJane said...

I'm glad you had a good day. Sometimes I have great days where I know I'm lucky to have had what I've had.. Other days deep and dark. Seems to be flipping back and forth for me still. :(

You and your nephew are super cute. Looks like he has a nice fuzzy head :)

fireworksandrainbows said...

I am glad you are having good days :) You deserve them. I am hopeful for you this month...

Laura said...

Your nephew is adorable!!

I'm so glad to hear you have been feeling good. And I hope that this is the beginning of more good days than bad days for you.

Best of luck for this month. You'll be in my thoughts next Friday.

cullensblessings said...

You are doing amazing Dana... I aspire!

The Wellman's said...

you are an amazing woman dana!! thinking of you!

Rhiannon said...

I am so glad that you are having some good days. I hope that getting past all of the firsts and holding onto new hope will be just what your heart needs to get to the next phase of healing. I found that reaching Harper's birthday was so hard, it just reopened all of my wounds but I think that is the natural progression.

Sending you love and strength for continued healing. xo

Angela said...

I love that picture - your nephew is so cute - I know it required a lot of bravery.

I am glad you are having good days and feel hopeful about this cycle.

Melissa said...

It's good to celebrate those good days...and that hope!

Julie said...

my fingers are crossed for you, dana!

Elaine said...

One day at a time that's all you can ask of yourself. It's good you feel like you've come to a point of acceptance. I remember getting to that point and it was such a huge relief. I know longer felt obsessed by my grief and by missing Blaine. I could miss it but I could also be happy. Hoping the feeling sticks to you Dana.

Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that you had a near good day. <3 Reaching acceptance of all that has happened is incredibly difficult and painful. I remember the days when we said we would never accept what happened. Know that Jacob is always with you and will continue to fill your heart as you continue to navigate through the grief.
I am also happy to hear that you are feeling hopeful. You have so many people wishing for you and Ted. May this be a month filled with joyful news. Love you!

Becky said...

Glad to hear you had a good day yesterday and are feeling like you are shifting into the acceptance stage!
I hope you are pregnant too, fingers are crossed!