Almost a good day

Yesterday was an ordinary day. I was at a Media and Public Relations Summit during the day. I met new people, I checked blogs, I emailed. I went to the Recurrent Loss and Infertility support group at night. But all day, I felt good. I thought about Jacob. I touched my necklace a little more often than I usually do, but I didn't have any moments of just being sad.

Halfway through the day, I realized that I hadn't thought about Jacob in about an hour and I didn't feel guilty about it. I talked to him a little then, about how it is the natural progression of things and how it doesn't mean that I don't miss him all the time.

There were 3 of us at the support meeting at night, the leader and another babyloss Mom, D,  who is struggling with fertility. D said that I look good, better than they have seen me (I met them in April) and I told them that that day was the closest thing to a good day that I have had since May 30, 2010. I almost felt like my old self and I have forgotten what that feels like.

I think sometime in the past 3-5 weeks, I've reached acceptance. I realized that I no longer fight against it anymore, that I haven't even thought about acceptance in the past few weeks. It just happened and I didn't know it. Maybe it was Jacob's first birthday passing. We have also passed the one year anniversary of the day he was buried, so all the firsts are done.

Maybe it is because I am hopeful for this cycle. I feel like there is a chance it might actually work this time and I might be pregnant now. The hope has definitely helped me lately. I'll know a week from Friday.

All this being said, Jacob is still on my mind most of the time. I still sleep with his blanket, I still talk to him in my head and I still look at his picture every day. I still think of how old he should be and how different our lives should be. Today I saw 2 mom's in the bookstore pushing their babies in their strollers and I was jealous. I should be going out with my Mom friends with our babies.

He will always, always be missing. I think of my 2 nephews and of how close in age they should all be. Ben just turned 3. Jacob should be 8.5 months and Daniel is almost 2 months old. They would have grown up together, they would have known each other so well. When I see Ben and Daniel, I imagine Jacob there too and how they would all be interacting.

I had a breakthrough last week. Laurie dropped by with Ben and Daniel for a visit. Ben was eating berries and needed his face washed. Laurie asked if I wanted to wash his face or hold the baby while she did it.  Because I'm being ridiculously careful about lifting anything, I said I would hold the baby. He stared at me and I stared at him.  I've known him since he was 3 hours old, yet I was a new face because I haven't held him much yet. I spoke to him like I used to speak to babies. But I didn't cry. I didn't feel like crying either. I thought of Jacob the whole time, wondering what it would have been like to hold him in my arms, but I still didn't cry, even after they left.

I'll just see where this goes. Yesterday was better than today. Today wasn't bad, just not as good as yesterday.