There is a quote from this article that I find particularly striking:
With a stillborn baby, there is no past to be mourned – which is another loss in itself – but there are the endless, unfulfilled possibilities of the future that we need, somehow, to make our peace with.
Although, I do feel like there is a past to be mourned. Jacob lived and then he died. Although he never took a breath of air and he only lived inside me, he still lived and, therefore, has a past.
Our sad ticker
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Treading water
A lot of the time, I feel like I am treading water in the deep end of a pool. It is exhausting.
Everyday is a struggle in some way. Somedays, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water and I constantly feel like I am danger of going under. I felt this way constantly in the early days after losing Jacob. Survival was a constant battle. I have minutes, hours and days when it still is. I've had moments of it today.
Sometimes I just want a break from the darkness and sadness that is always lurking. I just want a truly good day. I can't bring them back, no matter how much I grieve and how sad I am, so I tell myself that I should just be happy. Just recently, I have moments of feeling ready to rejoin the world, but when it comes to actually doing it, I can't. I don't know how.
The inner turmoil isn't always terrible and eating at me the way it used too. But at least once a day, and usually several times a day, I see something or think of something. I see a pregnant woman (in person, on TV or in a magazine) or a baby boy just about the age Jacob should be, I have a flashback or I think of the baby that should be kicking inside me right now. I see a mother and her son and I watch them interact and wonder what it would have been like. It's times like those that I feel myself weaken. I feel my head going below the surface of the water and struggling for breath. Sometimes I fight to get my head above water, depending on where I am. But if I’m alone, I give up the fight and I sink deep into the abyss and let all of the pain rise to the surface. I scream silently and I hate the universe for letting my babies die, I feel anger that comes and goes quickly in waves and then the overwhelming sadness takes over and I don’t think that I will ever be able to take a breath of air again and feel content, much less happy.
I feel like my life revolves around the effort not to drown. The amount of effort fluctuates throughout the day, but everyday is an effort.
One thing that helped was that I knew I wasn't alone in the deep water, in the struggle. I know that I'm still not alone, but it is starting to feel that way more and more. I didn't and don't want other people to have a reason to be there, but they do and they are and there is alot of comfort from sharing your suffering with others. Alot of the people who were with me have moved to the shallow end with occasional visits to the deep end. As they announce their pregnancies, have ultrasounds that reveal beautiful, moving babies, as they have new pregnancy symptoms, as they can rub their bellies and feel kicks and hear heartbeats and they start to feel the elusive happiness, it just makes me sadder that I'm not pregnant and having all of those experiences. I want to know that everything is OK in their world (and I can't tear myself away from reading about them....I am happy for them), that they won't need to come back to the deep water because of another loss, but it is painful to see their happiness and not have it myself. It is painful to see them all together, in the new club of babyloss pregnant women. I feel left behind. They have been through hell too, but they don't have to tread water as much as I do, or so it seems from my perspective. I know they have other battles because I have been pregnant after losing Jacob. I know what the fear feels like that something bad will happen again, and the effort not to make baby loss Mom's who aren't pregnant again feel bad. I know how torn they feel between being happy for the life growing within them and sad for the little one they lost. It isn't an easy road. I know they still make trips back to the deep end. I've felt those worries. But I know from experience that it is better to stay there.
Being in the deep end once was bad enough. Moving to the shallow end was a nice break. Being sent back to the deep end was terrible. I wonder how many times I will be sent back. Will I ever get pregnant again and move to the shallow water? Will I get to stay there? Will anyone still be there with me? Once they have their living babies, they leave the water. They are still within view, so I can see what that life would be like. Some come back from time to time, and some more than others.
I am happy for all of the baby loss Mom's who are currently pregnant and/or who have given birth. I just want to be one of them. Right after Jacob was born, I just felt sure that I would either have another baby by his first birthday or be in my third trimester. It could have been either, but I lost again and again. And now my cycle is weird again and hope is very low somedays.
Everyday is a struggle in some way. Somedays, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water and I constantly feel like I am danger of going under. I felt this way constantly in the early days after losing Jacob. Survival was a constant battle. I have minutes, hours and days when it still is. I've had moments of it today.
Sometimes I just want a break from the darkness and sadness that is always lurking. I just want a truly good day. I can't bring them back, no matter how much I grieve and how sad I am, so I tell myself that I should just be happy. Just recently, I have moments of feeling ready to rejoin the world, but when it comes to actually doing it, I can't. I don't know how.
The inner turmoil isn't always terrible and eating at me the way it used too. But at least once a day, and usually several times a day, I see something or think of something. I see a pregnant woman (in person, on TV or in a magazine) or a baby boy just about the age Jacob should be, I have a flashback or I think of the baby that should be kicking inside me right now. I see a mother and her son and I watch them interact and wonder what it would have been like. It's times like those that I feel myself weaken. I feel my head going below the surface of the water and struggling for breath. Sometimes I fight to get my head above water, depending on where I am. But if I’m alone, I give up the fight and I sink deep into the abyss and let all of the pain rise to the surface. I scream silently and I hate the universe for letting my babies die, I feel anger that comes and goes quickly in waves and then the overwhelming sadness takes over and I don’t think that I will ever be able to take a breath of air again and feel content, much less happy.
I feel like my life revolves around the effort not to drown. The amount of effort fluctuates throughout the day, but everyday is an effort.
One thing that helped was that I knew I wasn't alone in the deep water, in the struggle. I know that I'm still not alone, but it is starting to feel that way more and more. I didn't and don't want other people to have a reason to be there, but they do and they are and there is alot of comfort from sharing your suffering with others. Alot of the people who were with me have moved to the shallow end with occasional visits to the deep end. As they announce their pregnancies, have ultrasounds that reveal beautiful, moving babies, as they have new pregnancy symptoms, as they can rub their bellies and feel kicks and hear heartbeats and they start to feel the elusive happiness, it just makes me sadder that I'm not pregnant and having all of those experiences. I want to know that everything is OK in their world (and I can't tear myself away from reading about them....I am happy for them), that they won't need to come back to the deep water because of another loss, but it is painful to see their happiness and not have it myself. It is painful to see them all together, in the new club of babyloss pregnant women. I feel left behind. They have been through hell too, but they don't have to tread water as much as I do, or so it seems from my perspective. I know they have other battles because I have been pregnant after losing Jacob. I know what the fear feels like that something bad will happen again, and the effort not to make baby loss Mom's who aren't pregnant again feel bad. I know how torn they feel between being happy for the life growing within them and sad for the little one they lost. It isn't an easy road. I know they still make trips back to the deep end. I've felt those worries. But I know from experience that it is better to stay there.
Being in the deep end once was bad enough. Moving to the shallow end was a nice break. Being sent back to the deep end was terrible. I wonder how many times I will be sent back. Will I ever get pregnant again and move to the shallow water? Will I get to stay there? Will anyone still be there with me? Once they have their living babies, they leave the water. They are still within view, so I can see what that life would be like. Some come back from time to time, and some more than others.
I am happy for all of the baby loss Mom's who are currently pregnant and/or who have given birth. I just want to be one of them. Right after Jacob was born, I just felt sure that I would either have another baby by his first birthday or be in my third trimester. It could have been either, but I lost again and again. And now my cycle is weird again and hope is very low somedays.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
His birthday
I had been dreading this day for so long. It seemed so scary. I made some plans for the day, but nothing too detailed. I didn't feel capable of that.
I went to bed on May 31st wearing the pink shirt I wore while in labour. I wore it once or twice last June, but not since then. I woke up just before 6am. My labour with Jacob got really bad around 6am, and worse and worse until 9am, when he was born. I lay in bed for 2 hours reliving it. I lay on my side and remembered doing that since that was my position during most of the labour. I pictured the room, I pictured the people in it. I could have had a huge cry, but I held it in, partly because I felt like I would never stop and partly because I didn't want to wake Ted up.
I got out of bed at 8am and started the finishing touches on the box I was donating to the hospital. I'm happy with how it turned out.
The box had:
I realized when we left the garden that we hadn't said goodbye to Jacob, so Ted and I went back and Ted spoke and told him how much we miss him, love him....how so many people do. I cried through that. I cried all the way home. We stopped at the mall for something and I cried through the mall. I stared at the ground to avoid seeing babies and pregnant woman, and to hide my tears.
I called 2 friends when I got home. I cried through the first call as I told her what happened. I was more collected by the second call. I also chatted with a friend on Facebook and told her everything.
I opened the gift I had received weeks ago from Allison for Jacob's birthday. I can't believe that I was able to control myself long enough not to open it when I received it. Both items are perfect, the wrapping was beautiful and the card was beautiful.
While I was on the phone, Ted was on the couch with the laptop. He took the headphones out at one point and I heard the song he was listening to "Tears in Heaven". He later told me that he was able to work through his emotions while listening to that. It brought on the tears and gave him the release he needed. I feel bad that I didn't realize it at the time, but I feel like he needed to do it on his own.
Later on, he got on the computer and started working on something. Eventually he called me over to see and he had started a folder of different pictures over the past year and set it to "Tears in Heaven". Not the Eric Clapton version, but another one. Normally I don't like remakes, but I liked this one. There were a few pictures of June 1 last year and the pain is all over our faces. I'll post it here soon.
Lindsay and Jessie came to Oakville last night. We picked them up shortly after 7. They came to my side of the car, reached in the window at the same time and hugged me. Then they did the same to Ted. It was so cute. They got in the car and told us about something funny on the GO Train (a guy handing out AA batteries to everyone because the place he works was just going to throw them out even though they are still good). I told them about what happened that afternoon and they had heard a version of the events and we compared, but they agreed with me.
We got to the garden and blew more bubbles for Jacob. We discovered that just using dish detergent and some water makes excellent bubbles. It was much more peaceful there last night as I wasn't so emotional. Still sad, but not sobbing.
Ted suggested that we do pictures when we are all jumping at the same time. And I thought it was fun. And it felt good. It doesn't always have to be sadness and longing. I knew that before, of course, but it was nice just to have fun. We want to celebrate his life too. We always made sure that we were spaced a certain amount apart so that Jacob's rose would be showing.
Just now, Ted said that he imagines Jacob with his friends, seeing us doing that, and saying "Yes, those are my parents" and laughing or being embarrassed.
After the garden, we went to Kelsey's for dinner. We didn't know until the end, but Lindsay and Jessie treated us, which was so nice. I felt bad about ordering an appetizer when we found out though. It was nice sitting there and just talking and having a good time.
It was after 9:30 when we left. Jessie gave us a beautiful card that said she is thinking of all we had and didn't have with Jacob and that, although his birthday is important, we don't need an anniversary to make us remember him, as they do all the time. I started crying of course. I just love the messages she writes. I love that she remembers him so often. She gave us this beautiful glass container and suggested that we put some dirt from the garden where he is buried in it. I don't know that I ever would have thought of that, but I LOVE it. We are going to go and get some soon.
We drove them to Kipling so that they wouldn't have to take the GO train. I had some flashbacks on the way. Last year, we went back to the hospital the night of June 1 to see Jacob again and so that Lindsay could see him as she had just gotten in from New York. We went to Laurie's after because I was scared to go home. We ordered pizza. I ate some and started to fall asleep on the couch since I had been up since early Monday morning, it was late Tuesday night and, of course, had been through hell. We left and drove Jessie home to Toronto, along the same highway, and I was almost falling asleep the whole way. I was tired last night too, from all the crying mostly, and I had flashbacks.
I sponsored 5 Laken's Bear's for Jacob's birthday as well. I met Laken's Mom last summer, we emailed alot and she helped me heal. She has started a wonderful project in her baby girl's memory that will bring so many family's comfort.
There are so many people that did nice things for Jacob for his birthday. I don't think I can ever thank them all enough. I don't think I've mentioned on here yet that my friend Elaine (Blaine's Mom) started an event on Facebook for Jacob's birthday. I wouldn't have started one myself, which she knew, so she asked if she could. I have received so many supportive comments and some pictures with Jacob's name on it there, and on my personal Facebook profile. Elaine also sent me a book about angels, which I have been enjoying reading.
We have received cards, gifts, messages and love. People lit candles in their homes for our boy. And we are very grateful. All of the messages of love for Jacob have touched me more than I can ever possibly express.
It still seems impossible that a year has gone by since we have him in our arms. Everything was so dark this time last year and I couldn't see 2 days ahead, much less a year. It was a terrible year. Losing Jacob was hard enough, but we have been knocked down with 2 more losses and now it seems, some fertility issues. But we have made it.
I went to bed on May 31st wearing the pink shirt I wore while in labour. I wore it once or twice last June, but not since then. I woke up just before 6am. My labour with Jacob got really bad around 6am, and worse and worse until 9am, when he was born. I lay in bed for 2 hours reliving it. I lay on my side and remembered doing that since that was my position during most of the labour. I pictured the room, I pictured the people in it. I could have had a huge cry, but I held it in, partly because I felt like I would never stop and partly because I didn't want to wake Ted up.
I got out of bed at 8am and started the finishing touches on the box I was donating to the hospital. I'm happy with how it turned out.
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The box had:
- 2 blankets - one to use when the parents are holding their baby that they can take home, and one to wrap the baby in when they leave the hospital.
- A picture frame with a butterfly on it.
- A teddy bear
- A candle
- A measuring tape
- The Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope postcard
- The Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope contact card with my name and phone number
- A candle
- Three letters from me. I wrote one of them and will post it soon. The other two I found online. One is a letter 'from' a baby and the other is about the new normal.
- A list of tips for them to do in the hospital. I explained the 2 blankets, told them to spend as much time with their baby as they want, bath the baby, open the baby's eyes, take pictures (even if they aren't sure they want to).
At 9am, I lit a candle for Jacob in the living room. We have used this candle many times (it is a beeswax candle, so it lasts for 120 hours or so). I lit it, watched to make sure it was lit and went to sit on the couch with Ted. Within seconds the candle extinguished and we got our sign. The same thing happened on Jacob's due date. We have lit the candle many times in between and it has never done that since his due date.
I finished the box and we got ready to go to the hospital. I was nervous about going, but I wanted to. I was hoping that my nurse Patrice, and the nurse that I talked to for awhile when Laurie's baby was born, would be there. We parked on a side street and walked over. The same walk we have done before, under much harder circumstances. I only saw the back of one pregnant woman the whole time we were there. We headed into Labour and Delivery and walked down the hall. Then Laura came out of a room. I said her name and she recognized me and we hugged. I explained that it was Jacob's birthday and we brought in a box to donate to the next family. She said that was really nice, opened the box and had a look through. I told her she could read the letters if she wanted to, in case they needed to know what they were handing out. She said she didn't need to. She did read the list of things to do and said how good it was. I said that I could bring in more if she wanted me too and she does. Then I looked down the hall and Patrice was standing there. She saw me, we smiled and waved to each other and she came over quickly and gave me her usual bear hug. Ted hasn't seen her since the day Jacob was born. He reached out to shake her hand. She pushed his hand aside and gave him a huge hug too. I explained why we were there. She said how great I look (if she is comparing it to how I looked when Jacob was born, I'm sure I do!). We talked for awhile and I told Laura that I was thinking of her and Grant on May 11th, the day her baby died several years ago.
They asked how I was doing with my sisters baby and I said that it has been hard, but it is getting easier, although I've only held him about 3 times and she only lives down the street.
I knew that Laura works on the folders with pamphlets on local bereavement groups, exercising after delivery and how to stop milk etc. I told her the information was really helpful and that I'd like to contribute to them if I could. I brought out the Faces of Loss postcards and Laura and Patrice were really interested. Patrice said that a box had been donated the other day with the same postcard and the same style of box. I said that it was from my friend Jackie and I told them more about the website and how it works. I told them how nice Jane, another nurse, had been when Jackie brought in the box. How it was the best reaction Jackie had ever received when donating a box and Patrice said she thinks that the nurses at OTMH are just a bit better at these things than at other places. They both said that they love Jane and that she had a loss also, her 21 year old son. I think they said it was a boating accident in May 2008. I said that is when Jackie lost her son.
Laura said that it was her last morning on L & D as she was moving over to scheduling. I kept thinking that Jacob must have had something to do with it all....that she was still working there when we came in, that both she and Patrice were there. I would like to have seen Sylvia too, who was there when Jacob was delivered, but I haven't seen her since and I felt bad asking for her...as if seeing the two of them wasn't enough. Laura said that I have to tell her when I am pregnant again, that she really wants to know. I told her how Dr. C can't find anything wrong with me, but has put me on baby aspirin and I will be on progesterone when I am pregnant, just as she said I should be. Before we left, I asked her how I can get a hold of her to let her know and she started to say an email address, but then looked at Patrice and said that it wouldn't work. Patrice had asked me earlier if I still have her email, that I should email her and we will go out for coffee sometime (she has said this to me before, last June, and it didn't happen, but I like that she suggested it at least). So she said to email her and she will let Laura know.
They asked what we were doing next. I asked if they know the church downtown, which they did, and I said that he is buried in the garden beside it and we are going to go there to blow bubbles and family will be coming there in the afternoon and at night. Laura said to blow some for Grant too and I said I would.
They asked what we were doing next. I asked if they know the church downtown, which they did, and I said that he is buried in the garden beside it and we are going to go there to blow bubbles and family will be coming there in the afternoon and at night. Laura said to blow some for Grant too and I said I would.
I said that I also have the business-sized cards from the Faces of Loss website and I could give those if they want to put them in the boxes. They said sure, so I took them out of my purse (and they joked about how much my purse held) and they took me into storage-type room that had a table/tray so I could write my name and number on them. Patrice said that it looks like I have done a lot of work in the baby loss area since my loss and helped a lot of people and it probably helps me too. I said that I have, that it does and that it feels like I am doing something for Jacob when I do it too.
Patrice was always great at including Ted. She asked if I have any resources for men and I said that I have come across some blogs and I can send them to her if she would like and she wants me to do that. She asked Ted what he has done and he said that he got a tattoo and showed it to them. They both loved it. Patrice grabbed his arm and ran her fingers over Jacob's name. Ted said the feet are the same size that Jacob's were and they loved that. I told them how the tattoo just raises up for some reason from time to time and we like to think it is a sign. Then Ted told me to show them my tattoo, which I did and they loved and I said how it just aches sometimes for no reason and we said how that is a sign too. I also told them about the candle that morning.
Patrice said she was sorry that she wasn't able to spend more time with me last time I was there. They had a lot of patients that day, but they didn't on Jacob's birthday, which was great for me. I think there was only one room occupied.
I asked Laura about the possibility of any pictures having been taken of Jacob and she went to look around. I said to Patrice that I just want to go into the room where he was born, so Ted and I went there.
It was so strange walking in. It seemed so peaceful. I just stared and stared at many things in the room, thinking of how I was lying in that bed (or that place at least) one year ago exactly and holding Jacob. It seems like time stood still in there. It was eery in a way. It made me wish even more that I could be back in that bed holding him again, in spite of all the awful pain that lay ahead. We stood there for about 5 minutes and I asked Ted to take some pictures.
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| The clock I stared at, the sign on the wall on how to keep your baby safe. Everything in that room is a huge reminder. Ted told me that he kept staring at the sign last year, and particularly the line that said "Never leave your baby alone in the room". |
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| Trying to smile through the tears |
I realized when we left the garden that we hadn't said goodbye to Jacob, so Ted and I went back and Ted spoke and told him how much we miss him, love him....how so many people do. I cried through that. I cried all the way home. We stopped at the mall for something and I cried through the mall. I stared at the ground to avoid seeing babies and pregnant woman, and to hide my tears.
I called 2 friends when I got home. I cried through the first call as I told her what happened. I was more collected by the second call. I also chatted with a friend on Facebook and told her everything.
I opened the gift I had received weeks ago from Allison for Jacob's birthday. I can't believe that I was able to control myself long enough not to open it when I received it. Both items are perfect, the wrapping was beautiful and the card was beautiful.
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We have it in the living room right now. I'm hoping the chimes just start going one time, with no apparent breeze. |
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| A framed picture of Jacob's garden with a beautiful quote by Helen Keller: "What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us" |
While I was on the phone, Ted was on the couch with the laptop. He took the headphones out at one point and I heard the song he was listening to "Tears in Heaven". He later told me that he was able to work through his emotions while listening to that. It brought on the tears and gave him the release he needed. I feel bad that I didn't realize it at the time, but I feel like he needed to do it on his own.
Later on, he got on the computer and started working on something. Eventually he called me over to see and he had started a folder of different pictures over the past year and set it to "Tears in Heaven". Not the Eric Clapton version, but another one. Normally I don't like remakes, but I liked this one. There were a few pictures of June 1 last year and the pain is all over our faces. I'll post it here soon.
Lindsay and Jessie came to Oakville last night. We picked them up shortly after 7. They came to my side of the car, reached in the window at the same time and hugged me. Then they did the same to Ted. It was so cute. They got in the car and told us about something funny on the GO Train (a guy handing out AA batteries to everyone because the place he works was just going to throw them out even though they are still good). I told them about what happened that afternoon and they had heard a version of the events and we compared, but they agreed with me.
We got to the garden and blew more bubbles for Jacob. We discovered that just using dish detergent and some water makes excellent bubbles. It was much more peaceful there last night as I wasn't so emotional. Still sad, but not sobbing.
Ted suggested that we do pictures when we are all jumping at the same time. And I thought it was fun. And it felt good. It doesn't always have to be sadness and longing. I knew that before, of course, but it was nice just to have fun. We want to celebrate his life too. We always made sure that we were spaced a certain amount apart so that Jacob's rose would be showing.
Just now, Ted said that he imagines Jacob with his friends, seeing us doing that, and saying "Yes, those are my parents" and laughing or being embarrassed.
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| Standing apart so the rose can be seen |
After the garden, we went to Kelsey's for dinner. We didn't know until the end, but Lindsay and Jessie treated us, which was so nice. I felt bad about ordering an appetizer when we found out though. It was nice sitting there and just talking and having a good time.
We drove them to Kipling so that they wouldn't have to take the GO train. I had some flashbacks on the way. Last year, we went back to the hospital the night of June 1 to see Jacob again and so that Lindsay could see him as she had just gotten in from New York. We went to Laurie's after because I was scared to go home. We ordered pizza. I ate some and started to fall asleep on the couch since I had been up since early Monday morning, it was late Tuesday night and, of course, had been through hell. We left and drove Jessie home to Toronto, along the same highway, and I was almost falling asleep the whole way. I was tired last night too, from all the crying mostly, and I had flashbacks.
I sponsored 5 Laken's Bear's for Jacob's birthday as well. I met Laken's Mom last summer, we emailed alot and she helped me heal. She has started a wonderful project in her baby girl's memory that will bring so many family's comfort.
There are so many people that did nice things for Jacob for his birthday. I don't think I can ever thank them all enough. I don't think I've mentioned on here yet that my friend Elaine (Blaine's Mom) started an event on Facebook for Jacob's birthday. I wouldn't have started one myself, which she knew, so she asked if she could. I have received so many supportive comments and some pictures with Jacob's name on it there, and on my personal Facebook profile. Elaine also sent me a book about angels, which I have been enjoying reading.
We have received cards, gifts, messages and love. People lit candles in their homes for our boy. And we are very grateful. All of the messages of love for Jacob have touched me more than I can ever possibly express.
It still seems impossible that a year has gone by since we have him in our arms. Everything was so dark this time last year and I couldn't see 2 days ahead, much less a year. It was a terrible year. Losing Jacob was hard enough, but we have been knocked down with 2 more losses and now it seems, some fertility issues. But we have made it.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
First Birthday
Dear Jacob,
Well, your first birthday has come and is almost over. It still seems impossible to believe. I was in the room where you were born today. It has so much significance to me, but it is also just a room. Everything looked the same as it did the day I walked into it knowing that you were gone. I couldn't figure out what it was about the room until just now, but now I realize that it seems as if time has stood still in that room. It made me ache even more for the time we had with you in there, both while you were still inside me and after you were born. In spite of how painful the last year has been, I would live it all over again if I only had more time with you.
So many people expressed their love for you, me and your Dad yesterday and today. It has been so comforting. I want to write all about it, but I am very tired, emotionally and physically, and don't feel like I can do it all justice right now. The love and support has been overwhelming. If I hadn't had you, I don't know if I would ever have realized how much, and how many, people care.
I miss you everyday, but there were times today when I missed you so much it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
I am grateful for everything about you. I am grateful for the months we had together. I'm grateful for your kicks. I'm grateful for seeing you so active on the ultrasounds. I'm grateful for every single picture we have of you. I'm grateful for the overwhelming happiness you gave us. I had never known anything like it before you and I will never know it again. That happiness belongs to you.
I saw babies and toddlers and preschoolers today. How I wish we had had that time with you. Every little experience that you have with a child. We miss it all. We think of you every day. We imagine what you would look like, what you would be doing, how much you would be making us laugh.
Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I am so proud of you.
Love you forever,
Mom
Well, your first birthday has come and is almost over. It still seems impossible to believe. I was in the room where you were born today. It has so much significance to me, but it is also just a room. Everything looked the same as it did the day I walked into it knowing that you were gone. I couldn't figure out what it was about the room until just now, but now I realize that it seems as if time has stood still in that room. It made me ache even more for the time we had with you in there, both while you were still inside me and after you were born. In spite of how painful the last year has been, I would live it all over again if I only had more time with you.
So many people expressed their love for you, me and your Dad yesterday and today. It has been so comforting. I want to write all about it, but I am very tired, emotionally and physically, and don't feel like I can do it all justice right now. The love and support has been overwhelming. If I hadn't had you, I don't know if I would ever have realized how much, and how many, people care.
I miss you everyday, but there were times today when I missed you so much it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
I am grateful for everything about you. I am grateful for the months we had together. I'm grateful for your kicks. I'm grateful for seeing you so active on the ultrasounds. I'm grateful for every single picture we have of you. I'm grateful for the overwhelming happiness you gave us. I had never known anything like it before you and I will never know it again. That happiness belongs to you.
I saw babies and toddlers and preschoolers today. How I wish we had had that time with you. Every little experience that you have with a child. We miss it all. We think of you every day. We imagine what you would look like, what you would be doing, how much you would be making us laugh.
Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I am so proud of you.
Love you forever,
Mom
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
One year anniversary of finding out
We found out on May 31, 2010 that Jacob had died. I could write all about that day, but I remember it in so much detail that this post would be really long and I'm bad about leaving things out. I wrote about it in a journal in the days after he was born and it takes up 26 handwritten pages. I had to go through every detail to help comprehend what had happened. I wrote a bit about it on my blog here. In the coming days, I'm going to post what my sisters sent to me after he died. I asked them to write about their memories and it was so interesting to read about it from their point of view. They knew things that I didn't know and I wanted to know every detail. I was so hungry for it.
I woke up today around 7:20am and started crying right away. Ted had already gone outside to get the garbage to the curb so I just lay there and cried for awhile. Then I got up and sobbed for about 45 more minutes. It was so like the cries from the early days. I felt so heartbroken and empty. The emptiness consumed me.
I felt like the whole day would be like that, but it didn't turn out to be. I watched the kids outside walking to school and imagined them doing that last year too. Parents dropping off their kids, people taking their dogs for a walk. It still seem amazing that everyone in the world was still going on as usual, when my baby was dead. I know other baby loss Mom's feel this way too.
I tried not to look at the time very often, but I always did. The flashbacks just kept coming and coming. My appointment with Dr. A was at 9:15am last year. I was called into the exam room around 9:35am. Jan weighed me and I had only gained a pound, which I was surprised and proud of. The room was freezing and I was about to turn of the air conditioner when Dr. A walked in. We talked a bit, I asked about some DHA supplements and told her that I don't even take tylenol even though I know it is OK to take when pregnant because if anything goes wrong, I want to know that it wasn't my fault. Then she felt my belly and said I felt more like 19 weeks, which I knew was wrong, and then tried to find his heartbeat and couldn't. And the nightmare continued.
Ted and I wanted to treat ourselves today. We talked about getting massages, but I am at the end of the 2ww and was worried about getting one just in case I'm pregnant. I could test now, but I'm not. I can't take a negative result right now and I want Jacob's days to be his days. I found out I was pregnant with Cub on Jacob's due date, so I didn't want to do that on a significant day again.
We ended up getting a manicure and pedicure today and it was nice. I haven't had one since we got married and Ted had never had them. The woman doing my manicure asked if I have any kids. I said that I have a son but he passed away. Her expression didn't change and she asked where I work. I don't know if she didn't listen to my answer or what. It didn't bother me.
Then we drove around and eventually came home. We didn't want to go to any stores or malls because there would be too many triggers. We couldn't go walk around downtown for the same reason. I talked to Carrie, did some stuff on the internet and then called Sara. We talked for 2 hours and talking to Carrie and Sara both helped a lot. Sara had her baby at the same hospital I had Jacob and her experience there was so much worse than mine. She is part of the reason that my experience wasn't worse. She is also pregnant and will be induced on June 20, 5 days before Cub was due, so we aren't planning on meeting in the near future. She gave a lot of great advice and information about high risk clinics for the future and I got to talk about Jacob and grief and I found out about her little girl Hannah.
Ted and I sat on the backyard deck for awhile. It was nice just sitting in the sun and listening to the birds and the water running in the pond.
We then went for a walk to the grocery store and stopped for ice cream on the way. We went to the lake and ate it there, which was a mistake since families and their little boys were there. At the grocery store, Ted went in while I waited outside. I didn't want to take any chance of seeing a pregnant woman or baby. On the way home, we walked by a father teaching his son to ride a bike without training wheels. I grabbed Ted's hand and said it would be him soon. He said that was one of his saddest moments of the day.
I haven't cried since this morning, which is surprising and I'm not altogether happy about that.
So far, the weather is mimicking the weather of May 31st and June 1st 2010. Today was sunny and hot. There is supposed to be a thunderstorm tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be nice again. I hope that this happens every year. It seemed so appropriate that there was a big thunderstorm the night I was in the hospital and in labour with my baby.
It feels so strange to be here. How did we survive the past year? How are we in this place? How did I survive May 31 and June 1, 2010? Last June, I couldn't see a day into the future. I couldn't figure out what to wear for a few weeks. I would stand in the closet and stare at my clothes and start crying. Ted had to rescue me. I didn't eat unless food was put in front of me. I couldn't function well in groups until recently. I haven't had a truly good day in a year.
The flashbacks are starting again. The pain was getting worse this time last year. I spent the whole day with my hand on my belly, since I knew my time being able to do that was short. The room was freezing. I eventually had 7 or 8 heated blankets on me. There is so much to remember about that night. I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. Although the flashbacks are painful, I still want to have them. I feel like I am honouring Jacob's life by having them.
I just got a message on Facebook from a friend that I used to work with. I didn't know that she was reading my blog until recently and tonight I got this picture, taken on a beach in New Zealand. Thank you Silvia. I am in tears (in a good way).
I woke up today around 7:20am and started crying right away. Ted had already gone outside to get the garbage to the curb so I just lay there and cried for awhile. Then I got up and sobbed for about 45 more minutes. It was so like the cries from the early days. I felt so heartbroken and empty. The emptiness consumed me.
I felt like the whole day would be like that, but it didn't turn out to be. I watched the kids outside walking to school and imagined them doing that last year too. Parents dropping off their kids, people taking their dogs for a walk. It still seem amazing that everyone in the world was still going on as usual, when my baby was dead. I know other baby loss Mom's feel this way too.
I tried not to look at the time very often, but I always did. The flashbacks just kept coming and coming. My appointment with Dr. A was at 9:15am last year. I was called into the exam room around 9:35am. Jan weighed me and I had only gained a pound, which I was surprised and proud of. The room was freezing and I was about to turn of the air conditioner when Dr. A walked in. We talked a bit, I asked about some DHA supplements and told her that I don't even take tylenol even though I know it is OK to take when pregnant because if anything goes wrong, I want to know that it wasn't my fault. Then she felt my belly and said I felt more like 19 weeks, which I knew was wrong, and then tried to find his heartbeat and couldn't. And the nightmare continued.
Ted and I wanted to treat ourselves today. We talked about getting massages, but I am at the end of the 2ww and was worried about getting one just in case I'm pregnant. I could test now, but I'm not. I can't take a negative result right now and I want Jacob's days to be his days. I found out I was pregnant with Cub on Jacob's due date, so I didn't want to do that on a significant day again.
We ended up getting a manicure and pedicure today and it was nice. I haven't had one since we got married and Ted had never had them. The woman doing my manicure asked if I have any kids. I said that I have a son but he passed away. Her expression didn't change and she asked where I work. I don't know if she didn't listen to my answer or what. It didn't bother me.
Then we drove around and eventually came home. We didn't want to go to any stores or malls because there would be too many triggers. We couldn't go walk around downtown for the same reason. I talked to Carrie, did some stuff on the internet and then called Sara. We talked for 2 hours and talking to Carrie and Sara both helped a lot. Sara had her baby at the same hospital I had Jacob and her experience there was so much worse than mine. She is part of the reason that my experience wasn't worse. She is also pregnant and will be induced on June 20, 5 days before Cub was due, so we aren't planning on meeting in the near future. She gave a lot of great advice and information about high risk clinics for the future and I got to talk about Jacob and grief and I found out about her little girl Hannah.
Ted and I sat on the backyard deck for awhile. It was nice just sitting in the sun and listening to the birds and the water running in the pond.
We then went for a walk to the grocery store and stopped for ice cream on the way. We went to the lake and ate it there, which was a mistake since families and their little boys were there. At the grocery store, Ted went in while I waited outside. I didn't want to take any chance of seeing a pregnant woman or baby. On the way home, we walked by a father teaching his son to ride a bike without training wheels. I grabbed Ted's hand and said it would be him soon. He said that was one of his saddest moments of the day.
I haven't cried since this morning, which is surprising and I'm not altogether happy about that.
So far, the weather is mimicking the weather of May 31st and June 1st 2010. Today was sunny and hot. There is supposed to be a thunderstorm tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be nice again. I hope that this happens every year. It seemed so appropriate that there was a big thunderstorm the night I was in the hospital and in labour with my baby.
It feels so strange to be here. How did we survive the past year? How are we in this place? How did I survive May 31 and June 1, 2010? Last June, I couldn't see a day into the future. I couldn't figure out what to wear for a few weeks. I would stand in the closet and stare at my clothes and start crying. Ted had to rescue me. I didn't eat unless food was put in front of me. I couldn't function well in groups until recently. I haven't had a truly good day in a year.
The flashbacks are starting again. The pain was getting worse this time last year. I spent the whole day with my hand on my belly, since I knew my time being able to do that was short. The room was freezing. I eventually had 7 or 8 heated blankets on me. There is so much to remember about that night. I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. Although the flashbacks are painful, I still want to have them. I feel like I am honouring Jacob's life by having them.
I just got a message on Facebook from a friend that I used to work with. I didn't know that she was reading my blog until recently and tonight I got this picture, taken on a beach in New Zealand. Thank you Silvia. I am in tears (in a good way).
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| Beautiful |
Monday, May 30, 2011
Grateful
May 30, 2010
It was a Sunday. I don't remember everything we did during the day. We had our new real estate agent, Paulette, over. That night, I called Rogers because the picture we were getting on our TV hadn't been that great, I steamed some clothes, and I uploaded some pictures of our wedding on Facebook. When I called Rogers, I spoke to 3 different people and was on the phone for at least an hour. The first person did something that knocked out our cable completely and the next 2 people couldn't fix it. They said to call the next day when someone else would be at work. They were very apologetic and were probably relieved that I wasn't really mad. I planned to call again the next night.
While I was steaming some clothes, maybe the blouse and skirt I wore the next day, I felt Jacob kick. I knew it was early to be doing kick counts, but I thought it would be fun to start writing down the times and then I could look for a pattern.
I guess I stayed up later than usual that night, since I recorded a kick at 11:32. I was usually asleep before 10pm back then. Last night, Ted and I were talking about how early I fell asleep when I was pregnant. I would fall asleep on the couch and he would be in the bedroom watching basketball. He'd call me close to 11 and tell me to come to bed. I'd reply and say that I was coming, and then fall asleep again. We were laughing about it and I just barely stopped myself from crying.
May 30, 2011
Today was strange. It wasn't technically the one year anniversary of finding out Jacob had died, but it is a Monday and we found out on a Monday. I had alot of flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed.
I woke up around 3:30am as I was hungry. I got up, had some crackers (and 2 chocolate chip cookies) and went back to bed. But I couldn't fall asleep and I didn't want to keep Ted awake, so I went down to the couch and may have slept another hour.
Ted left for work and I went through my summer clothes and ironed a bunch of them. I saw a few of the shirts I wore while pregnant when going through the clothes, but surprisingly didn't break down. Carrie called in the morning and we had a nice talk. She also called at night and said that at the waterpark today, a beautiful blue and black butterfly flew by them and without thinking, she said "Hi Jacob". Ted called 2-3 times to see if I was ok. Then I left for the garden, where I was meeting Jackie. I got there around 11am and cried most of the time before they got there, which was around 11:40. It was heavy sobs. Flashbacks and pain and more pain. I talked to him a lot. Sometimes I sat on the bench and other times I walked around and around the garden.
Jackie and her family arrived. I am so touched that she came all the way to Oakville. I will always be grateful for everything she did. We had a nice visit and talked to way you can only talk to other baby loss Mom's. I could barely hold back the tears at the start, but then they slowed down. I brought some stuff to blow bubbles and blew some before they arrived. When they got there, Orson took over and it was fun watching him. Jackie brought some daisies, a gift and the box she donated to the hospital in Jacob's memory. The day would have been so much worse if it wasn't for her.
Orson brought over the gift bag, so I sat down and started opening it. There was a beautiful card, with a beautiful message, a healing stone that is so soft and feels so nice in my hand, and The Tale of Peter Rabbit. Orson said that I could read it to Oscar. What a sweet boy. I love that he thinks that way. More and more, rabbits are reminding me of Jacob. He was wrapped in a Peter Rabbit blanket and I see a rabbit in our backyard quite often. The book was perfect. We looked at the memory box that she made for the hospital and it was wonderful. I met her husband and adorable little girl. It was so nice to meet them both and her husband said some nice things to me too. When she dropped it off at the hospital, she went to the maternity nursing desk and spoke to a nurse named Jane who wanted to know both of our stories, cried for us, and told Jackie that her 20-something year old son was killed by a drunk driver. You just never know by looking at someone what they have been through. Jane said that they would send me a letter saying that an item had been donated in my baby's name.
After they left the garden, I went back, sat down on the bench and read The Tale of Peter Rabbit out loud. It felt so good doing it. I took one of the daisies she gave me and planted it where he is buried. Jackie had pointed out that the bush surrounding the garden is called boxwood (I think that's what she said. I have been very scatterbrained this week) and people used to hang it in their homes as protection. She also saw a tree and said that it is a very maternal tree and women used to bury their placentas under it. I love how significant those plants are. It makes me feel more confident of how protected Jacob is.
It had been so hot when I left the house, but it had been cold in the garden so I went home and got a sweater. I then left to meet my Dad at the mall for coffee. We had a nice visit, I told him about the things that Jackie did.
I got a text message from Jessie. It said "One year Monday anniversary, and it's warm and sunny just like last year." Oh, I loved getting that. I love that she thinks so much like me. And I like what she called it, the "one year Monday anniversary". I had been trying to figure out what to call it. I wrote back and asked if she was having flashbacks too and she replied that she was, but that it was nothing new. I want to cry just writing that. It means so much.
I talked to my Mom and Laurie and Lindsay sent me a text message saying that she is thinking of both of us and Jacob.
Elaine sent me a book and started an event on Facebook last week for Jacob's birthday, which a lot of people are attending, and I have received so many nice comments both on that wall and my own Facebook account wall. I also got a card in the mail from Ange and I have a gift here from Allison that I'll open on June 1st (I have had it for a few weeks, I can't believe that I have had the willpower not to open it yet).
I am so grateful that so many people are thinking of us.
Because of the weather, it was the first day that I was able to wear something that let my tattoo show. I've been waiting for that for months and it felt good. Jackie noticed it and that made me feel even better. It seemed appropriate that the first day I was able to show it was the one year Monday anniversary.
Ted had the first shower tonight. When I went up for mine, he was sitting in the chair in the spare room, which would have been Jacob's. He doesn't normally do this so I asked if he was OK. He said he was, but I pressed for more and he said that he was thinking of how sad it is and how that room should have been Jacob's. He had been imagining what it would have looked like. He pointed to the closet door and said how he would have measured Jacob's height on it.
Last night, I was looking at my belly pictures. Ted happened to walk by and see and said how big I had been. It's hard to remember exactly how big I was. I love that I have those pictures.
Tomorrow and Wednesday are scary. They seem like a huge black void and I am scared. Tonight I put on the same underwear that I was wearing the day I found out. I have been wearing the same earrings I was the day I found out. I guess we'll just see how it goes.
It was a Sunday. I don't remember everything we did during the day. We had our new real estate agent, Paulette, over. That night, I called Rogers because the picture we were getting on our TV hadn't been that great, I steamed some clothes, and I uploaded some pictures of our wedding on Facebook. When I called Rogers, I spoke to 3 different people and was on the phone for at least an hour. The first person did something that knocked out our cable completely and the next 2 people couldn't fix it. They said to call the next day when someone else would be at work. They were very apologetic and were probably relieved that I wasn't really mad. I planned to call again the next night.
While I was steaming some clothes, maybe the blouse and skirt I wore the next day, I felt Jacob kick. I knew it was early to be doing kick counts, but I thought it would be fun to start writing down the times and then I could look for a pattern.
I guess I stayed up later than usual that night, since I recorded a kick at 11:32. I was usually asleep before 10pm back then. Last night, Ted and I were talking about how early I fell asleep when I was pregnant. I would fall asleep on the couch and he would be in the bedroom watching basketball. He'd call me close to 11 and tell me to come to bed. I'd reply and say that I was coming, and then fall asleep again. We were laughing about it and I just barely stopped myself from crying.
May 30, 2011
Today was strange. It wasn't technically the one year anniversary of finding out Jacob had died, but it is a Monday and we found out on a Monday. I had alot of flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed.
I woke up around 3:30am as I was hungry. I got up, had some crackers (and 2 chocolate chip cookies) and went back to bed. But I couldn't fall asleep and I didn't want to keep Ted awake, so I went down to the couch and may have slept another hour.
Ted left for work and I went through my summer clothes and ironed a bunch of them. I saw a few of the shirts I wore while pregnant when going through the clothes, but surprisingly didn't break down. Carrie called in the morning and we had a nice talk. She also called at night and said that at the waterpark today, a beautiful blue and black butterfly flew by them and without thinking, she said "Hi Jacob". Ted called 2-3 times to see if I was ok. Then I left for the garden, where I was meeting Jackie. I got there around 11am and cried most of the time before they got there, which was around 11:40. It was heavy sobs. Flashbacks and pain and more pain. I talked to him a lot. Sometimes I sat on the bench and other times I walked around and around the garden.
Jackie and her family arrived. I am so touched that she came all the way to Oakville. I will always be grateful for everything she did. We had a nice visit and talked to way you can only talk to other baby loss Mom's. I could barely hold back the tears at the start, but then they slowed down. I brought some stuff to blow bubbles and blew some before they arrived. When they got there, Orson took over and it was fun watching him. Jackie brought some daisies, a gift and the box she donated to the hospital in Jacob's memory. The day would have been so much worse if it wasn't for her.
Orson brought over the gift bag, so I sat down and started opening it. There was a beautiful card, with a beautiful message, a healing stone that is so soft and feels so nice in my hand, and The Tale of Peter Rabbit. Orson said that I could read it to Oscar. What a sweet boy. I love that he thinks that way. More and more, rabbits are reminding me of Jacob. He was wrapped in a Peter Rabbit blanket and I see a rabbit in our backyard quite often. The book was perfect. We looked at the memory box that she made for the hospital and it was wonderful. I met her husband and adorable little girl. It was so nice to meet them both and her husband said some nice things to me too. When she dropped it off at the hospital, she went to the maternity nursing desk and spoke to a nurse named Jane who wanted to know both of our stories, cried for us, and told Jackie that her 20-something year old son was killed by a drunk driver. You just never know by looking at someone what they have been through. Jane said that they would send me a letter saying that an item had been donated in my baby's name.
After they left the garden, I went back, sat down on the bench and read The Tale of Peter Rabbit out loud. It felt so good doing it. I took one of the daisies she gave me and planted it where he is buried. Jackie had pointed out that the bush surrounding the garden is called boxwood (I think that's what she said. I have been very scatterbrained this week) and people used to hang it in their homes as protection. She also saw a tree and said that it is a very maternal tree and women used to bury their placentas under it. I love how significant those plants are. It makes me feel more confident of how protected Jacob is.
It had been so hot when I left the house, but it had been cold in the garden so I went home and got a sweater. I then left to meet my Dad at the mall for coffee. We had a nice visit, I told him about the things that Jackie did.
I got a text message from Jessie. It said "One year Monday anniversary, and it's warm and sunny just like last year." Oh, I loved getting that. I love that she thinks so much like me. And I like what she called it, the "one year Monday anniversary". I had been trying to figure out what to call it. I wrote back and asked if she was having flashbacks too and she replied that she was, but that it was nothing new. I want to cry just writing that. It means so much.
I talked to my Mom and Laurie and Lindsay sent me a text message saying that she is thinking of both of us and Jacob.
Elaine sent me a book and started an event on Facebook last week for Jacob's birthday, which a lot of people are attending, and I have received so many nice comments both on that wall and my own Facebook account wall. I also got a card in the mail from Ange and I have a gift here from Allison that I'll open on June 1st (I have had it for a few weeks, I can't believe that I have had the willpower not to open it yet).
I am so grateful that so many people are thinking of us.
Because of the weather, it was the first day that I was able to wear something that let my tattoo show. I've been waiting for that for months and it felt good. Jackie noticed it and that made me feel even better. It seemed appropriate that the first day I was able to show it was the one year Monday anniversary.
Ted had the first shower tonight. When I went up for mine, he was sitting in the chair in the spare room, which would have been Jacob's. He doesn't normally do this so I asked if he was OK. He said he was, but I pressed for more and he said that he was thinking of how sad it is and how that room should have been Jacob's. He had been imagining what it would have looked like. He pointed to the closet door and said how he would have measured Jacob's height on it.
Last night, I was looking at my belly pictures. Ted happened to walk by and see and said how big I had been. It's hard to remember exactly how big I was. I love that I have those pictures.
Tomorrow and Wednesday are scary. They seem like a huge black void and I am scared. Tonight I put on the same underwear that I was wearing the day I found out. I have been wearing the same earrings I was the day I found out. I guess we'll just see how it goes.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
And harder still
We had another hard day here. The tears are just barely under the surface for both of us, but this afternoon seems to be better than this morning was.
I saw the bunny in the backyard this morning. I haven't seen him in a few days and bunnies are reminding me of Jacob more and more, mostly because he was wrapped in a Peter Rabbit blanket and because I see a specific bunny in the backyard quite often.
We went to church this morning. One thing we decided to do for Jacob's birthday was to make a donation to the church garden where he is buried. The church was crowded today because it was Confirmation for a few kids. I liked it because it meant that more people would get the church bulletin and would see his name.
We stopped at the garden on the way in and stayed for a few minutes, then decided to go inside before we got too sad. We got the bulletin and I searched for his name right away.
My Dad came and sat beside us. I felt slightly sad during the baptism of 2 teenage girls, thinking of how we should have done that with Jacob. Then Rev. Mike said a prayer and at the end, said something about comforting those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, of living with the pain of living without them and that their lost loved one isn't hurting, they are in the most amazing place (not his exact words). I couldn't stop the tears then and I saw that Ted's eyes were watery.
After the sermon was over, my Dad said how sweet it was what was written in the bulletin and said that he would be saving it. I had been hoping that someone in my family would and I loved him saying that.
We went out the front doors and walked around the side of the church to go in for tea/coffee. As we walked, a white butterfly was flying close by. I couldn't take my eyes off it.
We went inside and saw Rev. Mike, who said that the flowers were beautiful (he got mixed up and thought we had put flowers at the front of the church, as 2 other families did that day). Then we talked to a few people and I saw a girl that I went to elementary and junior high with. We were never friends. She hung out with some of the mean kids, but I don't remember her being particularly bad. I felt like she was looking at me alot. I pointed her out to Ted and he said that she was staring at me when he looked at her. I think she must have linked the baby mentioned in the bulletin to me since my last name was in their and I felt very satisfied.
As we left, I wanted to say hi to Mike's wife, Yvonne. She was talking to a pregnant women. I touched her on the shoulder as we walked by and she asked how I was. I said that it is a tough week and she said she knows, she saw the bulletin. I love that so many people saw it and thought about Jacob, even if only for a second.
Ted and I went back to the garden and stayed there for 10 minutes or so. I kept crying. I had flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed when I was in labour and my heart beat faster. We walked around downtown for awhile. I saw someone who had the same dark hair as my OB and thought of her. Less than 5 minutes later, Ted gestured towards two woman walking by us and asked if that was her. It was. She was looking away from us into a store window so I didn't say hi. We've run into her a few times now.
We got in the car and started to leave the downtown. At a red light, she crossed in front of the car again. When I see her face, I see her trying to find his heartbeat. I see her telling me about my options to induce now or go home and come back later. I see her handing him to me. I wonder if she realized that it has almost been a year since he was born. I doubt it, given all of the patients she sees. After Jacob died, I looked her up on the internet and saw that she runs a lot of marathons, and that she ran one on May 30, 2010.
We went to the mall after to get Ted some shoes and pants. I was very sad on the way there. I had been scatterbrained all morning and I was trying to get out of the fog. The mall was full of pregnant woman and babies, as they always are. We got home, I spoke to Carrie for a few minutes, and then Jackie on Facebook. Jackie is donating a memory box to the hospital where Jacob was born for his birthday. I love that she is doing that.
I think I'll make Nanaimo Bars tonight. I need the comfort good.
The weather is supposed to be really nice this week. I am really happy about that because now I can wear shorts, capris and skirts and my tattoo will be visible.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
We had been having some problems with the real estate agent we had hired to sell the condo. The problems had been going on for about a month and we were just fed up. I sent her an email on that Saturday morning asking to meet with her the next day. Because of all of her contacts, she was recommending my brother-in-law for some jobs, so we wanted to be careful not to jeopardize that.
It was Doors Open Toronto, something I had been going to for 5 years. It allows you to go into buildings for free that normally don't allow visitor's, or charge a fee. We went to several places, but I don't remember all of them. We went to the house of William Lyon Mackenzie King and to the rooftop garden at City Hall. I thought that we would be bringing Jacob there next year. As we went into Mackenzie King's house, I wondered how we would manage with a stroller next time.
Then we went to Osgoode Hall, which is where the Ontario Court of Appeal and the Law Society of Upper Canada are located. It was a beautiful building. There was an area with an atrium and benches around the sides. Ted wanted me to sit down for awhile since we had been doing a lot of walking. I was glad to as my feet were hurting. We sat there for awhile, taking in the architecture and people-watching. After awhile, we went upstairs and into the courts. Some people were going up to the judges bench and getting their picture taken.
We went into a conference room, which was pretty impressive, and the library. It looked like a typical law library you see on TV, with bookshelves stacked high with ladders that could move around on a track. There was a second level with more books, which went around the edges of the room and looked on the lower level. I think we went up there. Down on the lower level, we took the following pictures. We were both so happy. I can't even explain the level of happiness we both felt. I loved the baby I felt moving around inside. I loved everything about my changing body. I was so happy walking around and having people notice that I was pregnant. Every moment was special. These are some of my favourite pictures taken of me when I was pregnant.
They had some refreshments available and I was really thirsty, so we got a can of Iced Tea and I had a few sips. I had stopped drinking it when I found out I was pregnant because of the caffeine, so it was a big treat to have a few sips.
We left Osgoode Hall and walked along Queen Street. I was starving, of course, and we stopped at a crepe restaurant. Our waitress looked pregnant and we discussed whether she was or not and how far along she might be. I had a chocolate crepe, which was really good.
We went home then, to a very nice surprise. Our real estate agent replied to my email and in a long-winded manner, said that she thought that it would be best if we get another agent. We were so happy that we didn't have to have a confrontation the next day. We already knew which agent we wanted. I can't remember if I contacted her that day, or on the 31st.
That night was the concert that my Mom was in with the Clarkson Music Theatre group (the one I joined this year, with the concert at the beginning of May). I drove Jessie and Brian there, where we met up with Dad and, I think, Colleen, Bill and Annemarie. We were early and I was hungry, so we stopped at a Wendy's and I got the Crispy Chicken Sandwich (so much for being a vegetarian...I craved meat). Jessie got something too, and Brian walked over to Tim Horton's. When we got to the concert venue, we got our seats and I spent some time looking at my belly. I'm pretty sure I had my hand on it most of the time. I told Jessie and Brian of the change in movement, how one side of my belly would get hard and then get soft again. I figured the baby was getting bigger and was, perhaps, shifting over to that side. The hardening didn't hurt at all. I had some round ligament pain, but that was nothing new. At some point during the concert, Jessie and Brian both felt my belly when I said that it was happening and they could clearly feel it.
The music was really good and I wondered if the baby could hear it.
I wrote this whole post without crying. Amazing!
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